Half a Resolution Away


Now that we are closing in on a half a year into New Year’s resolutions or as I like to call it, plans involving guilt and remorse for the year to come: A little review is in order so that we all can move on and place blame on others…where it belongs.

I'm so vain I think that Buddha is waiting for me.
I’m so vain I think that Buddha is waiting for me.

1. Combing one’s hair more than once a day. It had been brought to my attention that perhaps my ‘beautiful blonde hair’ would look even more splendid…if it were not so stringy. This observation came from a sister who makes Tammy Fay look like Melissa Etheridge. Quote unquote, ‘it isn’t that your hair is limp…I just think if you combed it more often it would have more body! Nice, huh? Left handed compliment? Jealousy? Or, just plain old, I know you’re a lesbian but come on do you have to look like one to?
2. I have in my years of traveling through mistakes made noticed that meditation is not quite right or not quite what the Buddha had in mind when chanting a mantra in the woods, walking the dogs off leash and swearing at them repeatedly while threatening to return them to their real mother and father. Occasionally, while learning to be still, near an orphan cemetery in Franklin New Hampshire, while the winds blow the scent of purple through the air and the grass shines beneath my sandaled feet, I digress and forget where I am going. As a little stone Buddha sits covered with a scarf for fall, a knit hat for winter and a pair of sunglasses for spring and summer, I ask to be a better person today than I was yesterday and pray that all animals be kept safe and far from harm to the best of their ability. As I turn from Mr. B and his in the moment breath and take head attitude, I will witness the Beagle/Bulldog that has made my heart his home. He runs with the grace of a drunken toddler through the corn field, smile on his jowl, grace and circumstance do not know his name. And, with the time it takes for me to become grateful for all that I have these words will cross my lips as though spoken through me by another…’Jesus Christ Bogie what the fuck are you doing…you can’t shit on someone’s grave!’

If your cup is full may it be again.
If your cup is full may it be again.

3. My very last of three resolutions and possibly the most difficult to adhere to? Shaving the right leg instead of the left leg first. How stranger? One would think! However, if you are enthralled with the Obsessive Compulsive Gene, you would completely understand that following statement. If one shaves their legs three times a week and starts with the left leg first…the right leg will receive less edge and less accuracy and therefore, be less sleek by design. It is a simple equation really, the blade is dulled by the time it hits the over grown mess on your right side and cannot complete the job as expected for it’s purpose. The same can be said for shaving the left arm pit first…if you get the picture. Switching up the vanity routine can become an awful under taking if you have OCD. For as you begin to dwell in the house of repeated routines that help to avoid chaos…everything will need to be changed. Flossing on the right side first instead of the left. Cutting the overrun mess of toe nails right side first left side second. During this whole adjustment period of attempting to be less compulsive you will find that indeed you are feeding into the wild animal called fanatical just by grooming yourself. It would be best to avoid the bathroom altogether, for it is where OCD originated from!

Going down and sweeping my side of the character defect street, almost half way through the year, one important revelation hit me like the smell of a unisex toilet on a tuna boat…it is far better to be a pauper of promises not quite made than a princess to a village of idiosyncratic bad behaviors kept.

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