Soiling the Air

Most Americans though reportedly obese are indeed very large in size; personally or otherwise.


The two most incredible sights to behold are:

A large person of color, African American or whatever the going attribute is these days, wearing a over the top large black t-shirt with these words blazed upon it and my memory: ‘Man boobs are sexy!’

*course the lettering had to be…you guessed it: Neon Pink.

Second disturbing visual had been a weekly encounter with a long lost but always around friend/repo man!  Coming in and topping off at nearly 300 pounds, Mike has worn a smile since the day he was born.  He also was seen wearing this piece of paraphernalia:

‘I Beat Anorexia!’

We are all on a Super Sized Not Diet!  And, the worse place to be?  Deer Haven cabin #4!  At  just under sixty dollars a night this little slice of haven-ly heaven north of Woodstock New Hampshire nearly caused the death of one white cynical angry lesbian!

No bigger than a thumbnail had been the stall in which I felt my demise creep up.  One ounce of bad timing and bad bathroom foreplay and soapy water left it’s mark on me.  Sprawled out on the bathroom floor, half in and half out into the living quarters.  Ass up and obscurely naked this revelation occurred to the vacancy mind set in my head: How does one die in a small bathroom?

1. Number four in home grown fatalities is…slipping on a bar of discarded soap in the tub!

2. Listening to a digital rendition of Sylvia Plath‘s the Bell Jar while taking a depressing bath.

3. Most feared way to die?  Ask Elvis!  Taking a moment to one’s self while on several prescribed and not prescribed medications.  Blood vessels constrict, over exertion is produced and BAM…you have yourself a heart attack.

4. Finding a non matching to anyone in the current make up of said household pubic hair while debating if you should see a shrink about the current state of OCD that has taken over you body.  Pubic hair leads to ‘this isn’t mine or hers’ which leads to paranoia, which turns itself over to jealousy and in the end you are hopped up on so much cough medicine that the only way out is going down the drug overdose shitter.

5. Lastly, the most feared article in the small bathroom?  A large breed dog.  A bubble bath.  Candles.  Incense and a old shortwave radio..  You bend over to retrieve the last known razor that is sitting at the bottom of the bath.  The black elongated muzzle wants to see ‘whatcha got Mommy’!  A feeling of being soiled and spiritually unclean hits.  A bizarre dance follows and a broken neck is sure to be the end of the innocence, at least for the small bathroom dweller.

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