Down the Pike News

Duh Blonde and the Bald:

Salisbury, Nah Hampsha.

staff writer: Fanny Sharted

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It had come down the Pike that the local order but not fraternal, Bent on Bikes were called upon to perform a search and rescue.

The Angry Lesbian and Grumpy Old Man Landscaping Co., had gone missing.

Better said, Duh Blonde, from the above mentioned company found herself lost in the thicket of things.

“I had yelled and screamed for her damn near five minutes. But I’d been out back pokin’ about with dem funny lookin’ cats. Guess they liked to be called, Tea Cups. Anyways, that’s when I heard the singin….”

Grumpy Old Man, commonly known as, Mr. Clean, had told this reporter that he’d had his eye on Duh Blonde. That the two had come to an agreement to disagree and work together ’bout a year or so ago.

Mr. Clean explained futher the last known conversation with Duh Blonde.

I ran over fast as my  prosthetic would carry me. She’d been singin’ ’bout being ‘A woman and being proud and wanting to roar’ on that funny little gadget she carries with her.

I asked her, “them brakes go?”

“Yup!” she said.

I said, “well, did you put the brakes on?”

“Well, how the fuck else would I know them brakes had gone?” came her reply!

Mr. Clean stated the last notable rant he heard… is one he’ll never forget!

“Did ya’ down shift?” I asks.

“No, ya’ Peckerhead…I was doin’ my nails!”

Mr. Clean, owner of the landscaping company ended the interview with saddened tone in rustic harmony with his un-oiled metal prosthetic.

‘She just gave me the bird like she always does. I thought she was callin’ it a day…ain’t heard from her since!’



Updated editorial on local Woman Gone Missing:

As a dedicated reporter…other than the days there ain’t any A.A, meetings ’round, I felt it my duty to find Duh Blonde and put an end to speculation of tomfoolery and shenanigans.

By chance I was needing a few hair’s cut.   So I got on the trusty moped and headed down to the Harley Hair and Pool Hall. Best hair place in these parts. Always, always, always, having da’ same price no matter what fancy spin ya’ like puttin’ on ya’ self:

 Bull Dyke cuts $10 and Men’s Buzz Cut $12!

As I shoe horned my ass in the stylist chair I heard a voice from the past.

“Rack ’em up boys. I ain’t here to play with myself. Needs me some money.”

My heart sink. Duh Blonde hadn’t gone missing anywhere but here. Still fouled mouth as ever.

I asks her:

“Where ya’ been for Christ’s underwear? People’s been lookin’ all over for ya’!”

Duh Blonde in true ‘ridden hard and hung up wet’ fashion just said:

“That Mr. Clean…he’ll talk ’bout shit ya’ don’t understand. Ya’ better stick to the matter at hand before the whole damn unwinds. So…I just left him talkin’!”

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