Canine Home Companion: Bad Dog
As I have done for years now, I started today, mindful, meaningful, less judgemental and with a sort of…renewed purpose.
As I have done for years now, I started my morning meditation shuffling my way down a lovely fall leaf lane…destination? Morrill Pond!
As I have done for years now, I began my inner chant with such words as; serenity, faith, better person and so on.
Alas, I have also acquired a fairly new technique…shouting at the time of my smoke filled lungs
‘What the fuck is that?’
Course, I am typically in the wilderness and do not condone animal abuse. Yet, I find my inner sanctum dotted with bad thoughts about my dogs!
I cherish these moments as I am a suffering Buddhist. Suffering? Yes, indeed, for now matter how I try, my spirituality is the art of progress not perfection.
Therefore, I must impress upon possible canine do-gooders, Ma and Pa’’s adoptees to the four legged beast of my burdern, use with caution when it comes to the ten most disgusting things you will ever have to witness in your whole entire life!
Sure it seems to the innocent bystander;
‘He’s adorable! I’ve been thinking of adopting a dog at the local shelter. Do you recommend a particular breed?’
‘Are you insane? Don’t you want kids? Are you aware that that dog you just made out with…a stranger’s dog by the way, ate a pile of unmentionable in mixed company discarded of unknown origin items off a city street!’
I digress. If those droppy brown eyes and frothy mugs are what you aiming to take under your wing…
!0 Most Disgusting ,Vomit in your Mouth, bad dog! Behaviors and/or predisposition
- Randomly we will be taking a long and luxurious stroll down by the river. A little class 6 road that has gone ‘unawares’ to many…other than hunters! Recently, proud as a peacock my dog came bounding out of the deep forest with a side of leftover deer. Looked to me as though it were perhaps, the small intestine and the large intestine together.
- Fortunately for my small family…too much is never enough. Therefore, my partner convinced me that taking in a semi feral kitten would leave a very large impact on do-gooder status. Problem is…with kitten comes the occasional ‘bad reaction’ to new found dry food. Fortunately, for us, that kitten and it’s questionable bottom will remain immaculately clean for the life of the dog.
- Along with the above mentioned need for a dog to find the grossest thing in the house…and make it ‘tip the shit scale’ worse…comes the tongue! I have adopted one dog who was once abused by a man in a hat! Not sure what man…not sure what kind of hat. I am sure that she does not give kisses. She! Does not scare me. I have another dog, who was not abused, though I threaten to on occasion, and he will lick you to the point of needing to light a cigarette afterwards and ask
‘Was it good for you?’
Needless to say, that mouth is well traveled and recently performed an in depth examination of my kitten’s bowel tract!
- The pedigree dog? Course we are not all saints of the ‘not sure where they came from’ animal shelter. Some prefer the hybrid dog. Fancy, snipped and tucked in all the right places, etc. Too bad rich people! A dog is a dog is a dog. My mother owns something called a, Smooth Fox Terrier (WTF kind of dog is that) has poison breath. It is built in. She comes by it naturally. Sour as a dirty diaper sitting in a snow bank for 3 months and then thawing for 2 more!
- That shit roll!? I do not know how many times but there have more than I like to brag about…How many times I’ve bought my bottle of ‘they used this stuff in the gulf oil spill’ Dawn, a ratty towel, plastic shorts, a babushka and my two dogs, down to the local watering myself hole. Without fail, as we enjoy the beauty of the day, say our thanks to the Goddess and make our way back to the car…one dog will go missing. And, if one dog goes…the other is sure to follow. After many threats to un-adopt them and/or ‘you wait ‘til I tell your mother’…a dog than the other, will appear. Nasty, stained and skid marked by someone else’s droppings. I will never understand how dogs mark their territory to scares other critters away. While simutameously doing the dirty with a pile of shit that has sat baking in the sun for forty days and forty nights. This behavior is done so the dog will be disguised. That by covering themselves in feces…no one will know, my two stooges had been anywhere near the scene of the crime. WTF? First, they want others to know where they are! Than they don’t! Talk ‘bout paranoid!
- Okay, I’m going to lay it on the line. Do not ever adopt a cat and a dog together. Or, separately, for that matter, if they still happen to live in the same house at the same time. Never put yourself thru the hassle of ‘the dog is diggin’ for turds again! Conversation with your partner, lover and/or soon to be gone, friend. Supposedly, kitty turds are filled with protein and carbs and assorted goodies. Think twice, don’t be nice, that dog’s mouth smells like shoes from the days before Christ!
- Humping?! Really? We are lesbians and as such, if anything swings between the legs, it goes directly to the Vet before entering our house.
- Licking the pecker! Making nice nice with the doggie vagina! Stop it, stop it, stop it, just fuckin’ stop it! With the television up loud, Whitesnake cranked on the MP3 and a construction site next door…All I can hear?
‘SSSzzzz, slurp, slurp, whistle between the teeth, hhmmm, slurp!’
I love my dogs!!! Don’t get me wrong. I have even thought of going it alone. Meditation, spirituality, Zen and Me…out in the woods. Than I think, ‘the dogs are parts of my Higher Power. And, it wouldn’t be right to go it alone without props!’