The following is a true story:
As the day drew to an agonizing end…that is, I had finished walking the dogs x 2, walking parent’s dog x 1, blowing the leaves in their ‘country’ setting home, picking up their trash…
That I later take to my town dump, pick threw it and conquer and divide, materials…recycling, reuse, repugnant!
At the end of the end of my day…a call,
You’ll never believe what I just did
Rather than agonizing you the reader with blow by blow description of said phone call. One that I took illegally…as I had been driving.
I will tell you the truth as I know it. And, as I also know, my spouse has long since given up reading my blog and, therefore, I will not be found out!
My life’s partner…my best friend with strange benefits…threw out the stove burners. Not the covers, that we had just replaced. Not the inserts that ensure no particles fall into crevices of the great beyond. Which, by the way, were just recently purchased.
She tossed the actually one and only parts that allow for cooking on a stove-top!
She did however, bake cupcakes, in between…said demise!
Bear with me…I have taken pain killers an am prone to rants and off the cuff remarks…currently.
My spouse, bless her domesticated soul, has begun taking the big marital step called, ‘cooking’.
Some of us can do it. And, for some of us, it is like getting a license at the age of 30. We should just have thrown that particular towel in and taken cabs for the rest of our lives.
I think there should be an Angry Lesbian beer. Yup, that was my thought, after hanging up the phone and attempting to process the how, what and/or wtf, of my partner’s need to clean the stove so thoroughly, parts and particles get tossed out in the mayhem.
This Angry Lesbian beer should be the following:
I don’t ever want to drink again
I just, oh, I just need a friend
Read more: Amy Winehouse – Rehab Lyrics
a touch of anti-freeze,
as an all natural sweetener.
The anti freeze should not be enough to kill. Just enough to deter.
The Angry Lesbian beer should smell like patchouli. Being dark in nature, somewhat nutty!
Which by the way? What on earth do we refer to the male privates as a pair of ‘nuts’? It has been awhile but I am sure things haven’t changed that much. Those ugly things look nothing like any nut I have put in my mouth!
You will soon see how this may or may not go together.
Upon arriving home…
Instead of, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. Too bad it was dump day!
‘Boy, you handled that much better than you used to!’
This is where the Angry Beer comes in. This is where the ‘I hate myself for loving you..’
This is where the guilty lesbian…you guessed it, comes in!
I get the leaving on tampon in the box routine…that is typical of a married lesbian couple.
I get the using the last razor…without buying new ones, situation that I sometimes find myself in.
I even understand
‘I haven’t had a chance to wear that shirt yet! Please don’t get anything on it! You know how messy you can be!’
Of course, no one goes out of their way to soil themselves. Unless they are in a home for stupid people. And, that fuckin’ shirt had been hanging in the closet for 3 months. And, that fuckin’ shirt, had been mine originally, I just let her believe she bought it!
We had been asked once by the girlfriend of my spouse’s father…who happens to be very correct and very in tune with strife. She is a family lawyer!
‘So, will you refer to Megan as, your spouse, your partner or your wife?’
This a question given to me after the combining of one Irish family with another Irish family and making one big Fat Lesbian Wedding!
My first thought than. My one thought now. WTF? Does that really matter? Most of the time…I just nod in her direction!
I have never been politically correct and I suppose, it is too late to start now!
What gives with the mythology of the Angry Lesbian?
I hate to tell the world. Only Melissa Etheridge and the Indigo Girls are really angry for no apparent reason. The rest of us…have plenty of Lifetime movie moments, true and sincere, to which there should be some righteous anger!
In ending, the ‘I Hate Myself for Loving You’ story? The other time where the need to make an Angry Lesbian beer…came to mind?
After having driven all day and all night just to get from New Hampshire to some alley way in Baltimore;
“I wanna walk but I run back to you…I hate myself for loving you…”
Came banging on the MP3 player. Jokingly, I said, “I love this song! It reminds me of you. Kind of a twisted love song!”
The rest of the journey? Silent! All 1100 miles of it.
Someone please invent an
Angry Lesbian beer!
The price for burner inserts? For a stove that was a double for the stove on the set of the Brady Bunch? Approximately, $32.00 x four!
Dollar value for love? Priceless!