“to stray off of something, to wander from a path, or to turn aside, etc.”.
As the smoke dissipated into the gray skies of New Hampshire, Thursday morn…I struggled with my steps. The two dogs accompanying me? Well, we all enjoy ‘quiet’ in different ways…
Recently, walking the old orphanage grounds…plots of land that have now become a new and improved shelter for those in hopes of finding recovery, my roots in sobriety have filled the earth.
Looking about, there is an ancient farm…still in running condition. Buildings of brick and mortar that laid out the histories of forgotten children…circa, 1900 or so. And, fresh faces of hope…Hope in kicking the horrible and nasty disease called addiction.
Even with the gods frowning down with rain and mist, I could not be persuaded from the mood I had found.
And, so…I digress…
Attempts at spirituality can be fleeting for anyone…if we were to be honest. I remember thinking chastising my dogs for being…you guessed it, dogs…
“Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could bottle moments of clarity?”
As I turned the corner, towards a river, oh so cold, a Canadian Goose, took flight. Really a sight to see. Even the dogs took in a moment of silence.
What have I been so frightened lately?
Had it been the powerful pain that continues to grow with every passing day. Aches and ailments from playing too many sports.
I played semi pro softball in North Carolina, took one hit too many, defending a strange plate by my feet.
I guess, that is neither here nor there. I wake in pain, I walk in pain, I live pain.
But this…I can walk through. But this…I will take and make my own.
The true dilemma?
Doubt! Buddhist will tell you…there is no room for doubt. So, okay, I will call it, I digress.
Of course, I need to digress. Truth of the matter? Recently, memories of past somewhat violent, homophobic events…have haunted me. Urging me to question, who am I voting for? Why is it so difficult for people to just love?
This really is not a political post. Though it does tie into current day issues.
So many people have only just begun to accept my kind. And, over the past week, I held them captive with the anger I had built over the past forty some odd years.
I texted a friend today, while watching the river flow, the birds scatter…
“Did you know lesbians of a certain age, do not always like gay men?”
When I had lived in North Carolina…I met a woman who told me she was a ‘separatist’! Not being certain of what she had meant…and certainly intrigued by her ‘physique’…I played the follower.
…separatist feminists do not believe that men can make positive contributions…
Awful to admit! But, indeed, for a very short period of time…I fell victim to conformity, prejudice and bias.
Today…the one political item? Hillary Clinton…seemingly, hadn’t come out, in my opinion, soon enough, voicing her need for equality for all.
I sat in judgment.
How dare she?
Who else can I choose?
What was I thinking…supporting her?
Towards the end of my time out in the woods, today, I asked my Higher Power for assistance with my current situation.
Not for the shooting pain in the spine, not the stabs of knife like aches in my knees, not anything that would be obvious with a gait of discomfort.
I asked, simply, please help me to be less judgmental…more mindful!
We all adjust our beliefs, our soul’s purpose…from time to time. It is called, doubt, it is called, self inventory, it is called whatever…I want it to be.
I didn’t dwell long in the ‘separatism’ crowd. Didn’t feel right. I had met so many gay men. People dying from A.I.D.S. And, those, helping to assist their friends to a dignified death.
It’s easy to fall victim to the ideas of others. To not give much thought…until faced with important personal decisions.
Who am I to judge, HIllary, for taking time for perspective, and coming out of the closet…with the right decision?