Chances Are

Chances are ’cause I wear a silly grin
The moment you come into view
Chances are you think that I’m in love with you

The male gator, nicknamed ‘Chance the Snapper,’ was first spotted in the Humboldt Park lagoon about a week ago. After local enthusiasts tried and failed to trap the reptile, Frank Robb arrived from St. Augustine on Sunday. By early Tuesday, he had caught the 5 foot 3 inch animal using something that even cartoon alligators know to avoid: a fishing pole.

PG Insults

My favorite insult minus the ‘swear’…

When was the last time you had sex?

Usually this offered up to an elderly lesbian wearing peds with kittens on them…directing traffic during the fourth of July parade in Provincetown.

Some other ‘digs’ without the potty mouth?

Bless Your Heart – given when someone tries to dress out of their age group

I have neither the time or the crayons to explain this to you

Out that many sperm…you won?

You’re like god spilled a person

You’re a gray sprinkle in the rainbow

You dress like you came from a donation pile

And, my personal favorite…maybe you’d have a better chance with the heterosexuals!

Life Seems Jolly Rotten

I like a good, wah-wah! I do it often! I wave it about like the human right’s flag that is attached to the helmet trunk of my moped.

  • I’m tired
  • I’m too old for this shit!
  • I know you have a headache! But its been almost a month!
  • My tattoo’s are sagging!

On and on, and on and on.

For a small example, I offer up yesterday…and, bits and pieces of today!

My wife drove on a semi flat tire with ‘my car’…it immediately went beyond flat and the hubcap fell off. My dog, my buddy, tore his ACL! As if that was not bad enough. Life went on and after surgery, the Doc texted me and said,

‘Bogie, has Lyme!’

Eventually, after the cow manure and dust settled, we took my wife’s car to pick the dog up. By this point, I had the car towed for an exorbitant amount of money. By this point, I slipped in dog shit scattered about the yard. By this point, I had attempted to steady myself from fallin’ from said, dog pile…and, put my hand in cat vomit.

By this point!? I had found myself willing to offer up several, Hail Mary’s and the rosary!

Eventually…after the day from hell. We got in the wife’s car, a very beat up Volvo with a half a million miles on it, and the only light that on?

Urgent, urgent, transmission service needed!

WTF!

Now, I am a fan of sayings. Such like the ones in gold and blue velvet placed on the walls of AA meetings.

  • Pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth
  • Be part of the solution, not the problem

And…the saying/quote I always love to despise!

  • Fake it till you make it

Fuck that!

I am a non functional, politically incorrect, cynical, Buddhist! Therefore, I do not always practice what I preach.

But…

After a journey into New Hampshire’s deep seated beauty: Emerald greens, Canary yellows, Cardinal reds and Indigo Girl’s purple…I came to!

I came to realize that…

I have a moped. And, even if it appears I have no way in which to maneuver around a rural area…in actuality, I do.

So, screw you bad day…

‘If these bad incidents you offer are the worst things I encounter today! My day is not that bad!’

Bright Side of Life

-Eric Idle

Cheer up, Brian.
You know what they say;
Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and curse,
When you’re chewing on life’s gristle,
Don’t grumble, give a whistle,
And this’ll help things turn out for the best, hey,
Always look on the bright side of life,
Always look on the light side of life,
If life seems jolly rotten,
There’s something you’ve forgotten,
And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you’re feeling in the dumps,
Don’t be silly chumps,
Just purse you’re lips and whistle,
That’s the thing.
And, always look on the bright side of life,
Always look on the right side of life,
For life is quite absurd,
An. death’s the final word,
You must always face the curtain with a bow,
Forget about your sin,
give the audience a grin,
Enjoy it, it’s you last chance of the hour.
So, always look on the bright side of death,
Just before you draw your terminal breath,
Life’s a piece o’ sh*t,
When you look at it
,
Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke it’s true,
You’ll see it’s all a show,
Keep ’em laughing as you go,
Remember that the last laugh is on you.
And, always look on the bright side of life,
Always look on the right side of life,
Come on, Brian cheer up,
Always look on the bright side of life,
Always look on the right side of life,
Worse things happen at sea, you know,
Always look on the bright side of life,
I mean, what do you have to lose?
You come from nothing,
You go back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!
Always look on the bright side of life.

the Elephant in the Room

Laugh, I tell you
And you will turn back
The hands of time.
Smile, I tell you
And you will reflect
The face of the divine.
Sing, I tell you
And all the angels will sing with you!
Cry, I tell you
And the reflections found in your pool of tears –
Will remind you of the lessons of today and yesterday
To guide you through the fears of tomorrow

##Suzy Kassem