the Elephant in the Room

Laugh, I tell you
And you will turn back
The hands of time.
Smile, I tell you
And you will reflect
The face of the divine.
Sing, I tell you
And all the angels will sing with you!
Cry, I tell you
And the reflections found in your pool of tears –
Will remind you of the lessons of today and yesterday
To guide you through the fears of tomorrow

##Suzy Kassem

New Hampshire…What is it good for?

There is very little people actually know/understand about New Hampshire! It is just that at ‘face value’, we appear, small, boring and of course, cold. I get it! I’ve run from New Hampshire many times. I ran as though my ass were on fire. Yet, that Yankee cynicism keeps calling me back.

So, imagine my surprise when I had been informed of…New Hampshire, the second best state to be in!

I won’t bore people with the facts. New Hampshire is after all,

lovely, dark and deep.

Knee deep that is in the opioid epidemic, alcoholism, homelessness, domestic and spousal abuse. Attempting to no always be the cynic, I wanted to shed a light on ‘things’ New Hampshire is positively, known for.

  • New Hampshire had been the ‘first’ to break from the Motherland! Yup! Even way back when, New Hampshirites were frustrated, bitter and fed up with being bullied around.
  • Franklin Pierce? Remember him! No, I don’t blame you. Many do not know of Franklin! He was the 14th president of the United States. Franklin had a ‘phobia’ about the number 13. Number 14 seemed to fit better for him. Franklin became an alcoholic at some point (urban legend tells us, Franklin liked to ride his carriage drunk and run old women over). But I can only assume his town drunk behavior started after…all of his children died and his wife begin, slowly, to become a basket-case.
  • Mary Had A Little Lamb! I know! WTF! New Hampshire is owner to Sarah Josepha Hale. S.J.H., unfortunately gave us that lovely diddy…Mary Had A Little Lamb. The world’s most boring…bedtime story.
  • The potato first took seed in, Derry. The potato, imagine that! A vegetable only a few select climates can claim to grow. Siberia, Presque Isle Maine and Iceland, are among the other ‘colder than a witch’s tit, places where potatoes take root.

Now this is my favorite fact! It is my favorite fact because IT defies imagination!

  • New Hampshire is the first recorded state of mind and/or state to claim an ‘Alien Abduction.’ Betty and Barney Hill just happened to be out on a day ‘trip’ when the skies parted, right up yonder, near the Old Man in the Mountain. **The Old Man in the Mountain: a stone structure formed by bad weather. It used to look like a mix of Bob Hope and Tilda Swinton. Now it looks like nothing because the rock formation fell. It should be noted that both the ‘Alien Abduction site and the Old Man in the Mountain, bring in New Hampshire’s biggest resource! Tourism!
  • Lastly, New Hampshire should be best known for gathering strange people from strange lands, and their money. New Hampshire makes a large profit over fictional beings that never really were there in the first place.

Dykes to Watch Out For

I saw the Sign! And, oddly enough, it has bitten me in the ass many a time.

What sign am I talking about?

How a stereotypical middle aged lesbian steps out onto the earthy carpet…

What is the latest addition of androgonist wardrobe come from?

A slight blend of the fanny pack paired with the typically atrocious colors of…Croc!

I am not certain how I feel about this new way to carry dog poop bags in my shoes. That being said, Croc-beams and its introduction, led me to assess my ‘closet.’

How to Spot a Lesbian?

  • The obvious…Vagatarian t-shirt! Typical with sleeves cut off and stained with Mother Nature’s girth
  • Rainbow Converse and/or rainbow shoelaces **this is an obvious giveaway
  • Pantsuits! Sorry Hillary! That is just the way it goes.
  • Sporty bras under blazers! Sorry Elizabeth Warren!
  • Wallets with chains
  • Comfortable shoes! For example, work boots, sandals with dull colors, bare and dirty feet.
  • Flannel shirts with a hole where the nail gun shot through
  • Tattoo! Tattoo! Where is the Lesbian!
  • A pair of linen pants for summer weddings
  • A pair of dress shoes (as unassuming as a sedan) for fall funerals
  • Lots O Jewelry or none at all
  • A Wife-beater dyed pink because your wife washed it with her rainbow knit hat

This list is a small example of a small subject group! Myself and my wife’s closet. We are both well into adulthood so adjustments can and should be made!

Such as…

  • A pair of shoes that either latch or have Velcro. Easy enough to slip on and off
  • Karma bead bracelet. A sign to other lesbians, baby dykes, letting them know your vagina has been there done that. And, you are old and proud enough to wave it around
  • Cargo shorts with a shitload of pockets. Goddess knows…lesbians have a bad habit of picking things up off the road

Finally, and this is vastly important, the ‘wedding ring.’ A true sign of how far we have come. A reminder of how far we have yet to go!

Getting to Know Your Ghost

With Naked Gardening day, tomorrow…I discovered I had more time on my hands. Particularly, now that I don’t have to pick an outfit out!

To be honest, I have been particularly obsessed with these days of wine, roses and too much time on our hands.

Thus, like Leonard Nimoy, I went in search of! In search of all things, paranormal, strange and unique. After all…May 3rd is National Paranormal day.

As luck would have it…while walking the dog in dark forbidden forests…I have found my own ‘ghost’ and my dog…did the same.

Below is photographic evidence of what we encountered:

18% of Americans have seen a ghost!
More women than men believe one can be…cursed!

**Most of us believe that the ghost of Christmas Past will come a knockin’ long before, E.T., stops by for a visit.

F.Y.I.

If you were obliged to hunt ghosts. Such as I do on a rainy, damp night, sleeping the back of my Honda Element. Just myself, the Dog and strange noises in the night. Resting uneasily at the free campsites offered by Park Rangers, along the Lost River highway.

If you are just as…curiously, freaky, as I am…

There are rules one must pay attention to:

$29.95
  • Get to know your ghost
  • Ask permission to be there. Personally, I have a bad habit of entering abandoned houses for some good pictures. Next time I need to remember to ask if I can upload to instagram! This is their house! Not mine!
  • Be curious but Be safe! If it says, do not trespass…do so with caution!
  • Carry with you and this is very important, a 1/4 ounce to offer up as a sacrifice, a poop bad (for when you get the shit scared out of you) an a Ghost Pro Meter for beginners!
Remember:
Conscience is no more than the dead speaking to us.


In the end, after my first encounter in the forests so dark and deep, I have discovered some key phrases to communicate with the dead.

Give the new friend…the benefit of the doubt!

Oh, hey, strange finding you out of here! I’m staring at you…not because you’re a ghost! But whomever does your hair…make sure to give ’em a tip.

Keep it simple, stupid! I found that cutting to the chase is the best way to go!

This is where I go to pee in the woods. It isn’t far from the site and I don’t have to stumble around in the dark for bathroom handles. So…
this is my spot and it bothers me when you are around all the time.  Would you please leave?

Sometimes, these wood sprites wish to want to just sit down and talk. They haven’t had any real communication since the battles at Fort Constitution!

I always begin this sketchy conversation in a friendly manner:

Do you know you’re dead (sometimes, like us, ghosts are not quick on the upswing.)

Do you want a rum and coke? Ghosts have wants too!

Here is the last and vital tip:

Let them know you are of the physical world. This is your crib…not theirs! Madonna comes in handy for this exchange:

I am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl

…come and remind me
 who you are
 have you traveled far
…come and remind me
who you are
have you traveled far
are you made of stardust too
are the angels after you
tell me what I am to do
but until then I’ll save your side of the bed
just come and sing me to sleep
Emilie Autumn

the Back End of Gardening

Get ready for the Annual World Naked Gardening Day (WNGD)! People across the globe are encouraged, on the first Saturday of May, to tend their portion of the world’s garden unclothed as nature intended.

Gardening has a timeless quality, and anyone can do it: young and old, singles or groups, the fit and infirm, urban and rural. An elderly lady in a Manhattan apartment can plant new annuals in her window box. Families can rake leaves in their back yard. Freehikers can pull invasive weeds along their favorite stretch of trail. More daring groups can make rapid clothes-free sorties into public parks to do community-friendly stealth cleanups.

Why garden naked? First of all, it’s fun! Second only to swimming, gardening is at the top of the list of family-friendly activities people are most ready to consider doing nude. Moreover, our culture needs to move toward a healthy sense of both body acceptance and our relation to the natural environment. Gardening naked is not only a simple joy, it reminds us–even if only for those few sunkissed minutes–that we can be honest with who we are as humans and as part of this planet.

https://twitter.com/hashtag/wngd ##WNGD Share your Experience

I have already found some ‘fault’ with this holiday. As many of us are situated in such places that do not provide ‘shelter from the storm’…per-say!

For instance,

-severe allergy to poison ivy

-thorny bushes that dot the New Hampshire landscape

-Irish skin exposed to elements such as,

-humidity the same level as the temperature

-encounters with Sasquatch

-deer ticks

-New Hampshire’s personal…on steroids, mosquito

Then there are also…physical obstacles…

-bladder control problems

-where to hang the mp3 player

-where to place the All Eyes are on You…phone

-dog shit!

and…

most importantly,

‘Why am I looking at that?’