What to do when Naked

I will break this segment up in two phases:

Fighting with spouse…do’s and don’ts

What to do when naked?

Word has it on the ‘street’…Kaitlin Adderley, firmly believed that by taking her clothes off…piece by thong piece…she would show the world…and her boyfriend, just what they are missing!

According to a probable cause statement, Adderley was dressed when police arrived, but she made a statement to officers saying she had taken her clothes off during an argument with her boyfriend.

You knew what this was
I don’t want you anymore
I warned you before, I warned you before
Well I coulda sworn I told you I was mean

First and loathing-ly, I admit to having pulled some ‘stunts’…when semi single.

“Let me out of this car now!”

“I don’t care that we are in the middle of traffic hour, we are both menstruating or that we are driving in the galaxy of bad drivers (Mass-holes!)

Back beyond our first ‘date’. I say, first date, because everyone knows…

a lesbian’s second date requires moving in together.

Way back when my wife and I called arguments..discussions. Just to make life a little less like our parents.

Way back when, I felt she did not need another pair of…Croc’s from the Croc factory…to add to her,  Imelda Marcos , collection.

One thing led to another, potty mouths, potty words, bringing up dysfunctional past behaviors and correlating it with current days…shit! On and on, it went. Until I found myself walking down route 128…north out of Boston!

I learned terribly quickly that as much as I found myself fighting like my passive-aggressive mother…I can always change.

Alright so poor, Kaitlin, got busted! But busted naked! This trans-formative way of ‘fighting’ with significant others…encouraged me to look into,

How do we use our naked-ness…to get our way?

Most popular?

Well we know where we’re going
But we don’t know where we’ve been
And we know what we’re knowing
But we can’t say what we’ve seen
And we’re not little children
And we know what we want
And the future is certain
Give us time to work it out

Texting naked! Encouraging someone on the other end to loose track of reality and…put one out! Right there in the damn car!

There were a sundry of other misdemeanors…

-plain old driving naked

-going to church naked

-home burglary…while naked

On and on…again!

In all honesty, this one brought me back. Naked! Naked! What have I done…nude? And, why?

In college, when my parent’s with minus function, had thought it a good idea to move from the city to the country.

Pissed off! Newly egocentric! Longing for tarred roads! I thought it a good idea to…iron…naked!

B strong! B brave! B humble! B badass!

That is right. In my fragile mind and blooming body, an ‘all body’ tan, was needed. Not only a physique without tan lines but clothes…freshly ironed, pressed and clean scented.

One thing led to another down a dirt and sodden road…Canterbury; I soon learned that ‘vehicles’ travel with a certain carcinogenic noise. And, everyone else (employees of my mother who live nearby) travel by horse. Horses are nice and quiet and generally do not alert naked college students doing their ironing on the back deck…of their approach.

Where Are My Pink Canada Mints?!

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I have literally spent the last two weeks searching for two things:

A mouse pad! That’s right…a simple, useful, device for the desk!

And,

Pink Canada Mints for when I get parched!
fruitcakes

Not too far down the road from this the smallest, big city in New Hampshire is, Revere, Massachusetts.  A lovely high crime city.  It is mostly known as a burial ground for the Southies of Boston.

Side note:  I once spent a night in a mortuary…in a coffin…in Revere.  But that is another story for another time.

Long story short, the Necco company thought it would be cheaper to just close down…instead of removing the ‘scat’ and rodents…discovered within the machines.

So now WE have no more candy hearts, Necco Wafers, Mary Janes and Pink Canada Mints.

How hard is it for some sugar company to pick up the ball and run…with this one?

The loosing of the Malted Milk Balls did not phase me that much.  Though, I do enjoy chocolate Necco Wafers.

But WTF!

Because of my internal hysteria…I have up’d my meds.  So much so that I delusional-ly envisioned my desk with:

  • a boombox
  • cassette tape of ABBA’s greatest hits

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    Roach clip. Metal clip or holder used to hold a marijuana joint, to prevent burning of the fingers.
  • a roach clip with feathers dangling off

and…

  • a jug of Maddog 20/20

Those Pesky Windmills

Thoughts on any of those pesky windmills?

Notions about…the sun and how it could power the earth?

Well, add these few astute observations from an expert…#45!03-30-17 Emissions

-Let’s put up some windmills. When the wind doesn’t blow, just turn off the television darling, please. There’s no wind, please turn off the television quickly.

=I think it’s something [Democrats] should really promote…no planes, no energy. When the wind stops blowing, that’s the end of your electric. ‘Darling is the wind blowing today? I’d like to watch television.

How ’bout global warming…and, alike?

-I’m not supposed to be using hair spray.  But think of it.  So Obama’s always talking about the global warming, that global warming is our biggest and most dangerous problem, OK?

And, certainly, our expert on the cleanliness of climate change offers some sage advice:

-You gotta take care of the floors. You know the floors of the forest, very important.

…You look at other countries where they do it differently and it’s a whole different story.  I was with the president of Finland and he called it a forest nation, and they spend a lot of time on raking and cleaning and doing things…

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YOU GOTTA TAKE CARE OF THE FLOORS. YOU KNOW THE FLOORS OF THE FOREST, VERY IMPORTANT. I WAS WITH THE PRESIDENT OF FINLAND, HE CALLED IT A FOREST NATION, AND THEY SPEND A LOT OF TIME ON RAKING AND CLEANING AND DOING THINGS AND THEY DON’T HAVE ANY PROBLEM

In my world if you say…you are an environmentalist.  You Are One!  After all, it takes balls to claim you belong to the earth…and, you don’t really mean it.  That is a lie likely to get one into hell.  Or, at least, elected to some important position.

Right now we’re at the cleanest we’ve ever been and that’s very important to me.   But if we’re clean, but every other place on Earth is dirty, that’s not so good…’So I want clean air, I want clean water, very important.’

Saint Gertrude Day!(a day late)

A Prayer to St. Gertrude, Patron Saint of Cats

Dearest Gertie, ask you I pray…

watch over the evil little cats…this and everyday.

Protect them from those who wish them ill.

Keep them at home…four tiny paws…safe from the snowstorm.

Give me the serenity to accept their indifference to me.

                the courage to be humble in their presence

and…     the wisdom to hide all breakables I wish to keep.

Protect my lawn furniture from the neighborhood Tom Cat.

And, Gert, a last thing I beseech from thee.

Please don’t let them kill me in my sleep.

-Amen

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Patron Saint of Cats…Sista Gert believed in her visions.  She believed in purgatory.  She believed…rodents, mice, etc., were handmaiden’s to hell’s highway.  The only way to rid the heavens and earth of this evil?  Cats!

Which as a cat owner, I can now understand.  Gert knew that there was a hell out there.  Possibly she had a ‘vision’ of where we now stand with Trump.  One thing led to another.  The ‘visions’ got worse.  Hell came in the form of rats.  And, Gert did not figure out until late in life…get a cat!

The cat solved the infestation.tumblr_p5qjeh6jca1rmxjpho1_540

So she chilled, as she grew older, with cats.

Hence Patron Saint of Cats!

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Enough with the Maple

Because New Hampshir-ites are rigid and cold…having just gone through a horrific winter.  And, because…after a great while of promise (temps in the 30’s)…we warm up typically around…June.  The is a natural connection between Us and our trees.

Therefore, it is only natural we get orgasmic during maple syrup season.  As the process of making the liquid gold requires fluctuating temps.  Warm days.  Cold nights.

So other than slapping tennis rackets on to our feet or struggling with sticks to go…cross country…we tap trees.  Walking along in snow drifts that have gained 10 pounds of water weight.  Walking around putting holes in trees.  Only to watch maple drip like a slow, leaking, kitchen faucet."Look at the hayseed! He's trying to milk a tree!

It is only with this logic and fanfare… I feel obliged to share some important Maple facts:

-We first learned the talent of tapping Maple trees from Native Americans.  Go figure, Native Americans, have taught us everything we need to know about the outdoors.  WE did not start to commercialize the product until the 1660’s.

-Maple Syrup is 100% natural

-Maple Syrup provides an antioxidant value equal to broccoli

-Maple Syrup offers more than 100% of the daily allowance of manganese, 37% of riboflavin, 18% of zinc(zinc reduces the risk of heart disease)

-Maple Syrup reduces the risk of heart disease

-Maple Syrup has no fatImage result for humorous things to do with maple syrup

-Maple Syrup as a, sweetener, typically has fewer calories

In New Hampsha we make…Maple Martinis, in which to wash down our Maple Stir Fry.  After a relaxing night at the ‘all you can eat’ buffet down at Polly’s Pancake Parlor: Typically we go home and light a maple incense, while taking a Maple bubble bath and scrubbing down with a Maple bar of soap.