Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked Cat

I was walking down the street when out of the corner of my eye…I saw a pretty little Calico cat approaching me.

She said, ” I never seen a Crazy Cat Lady, who looks so all alone. Could you use a little Bitchy company?

If you can pay with the right Seafood Sensation(dry mix)your evening will be nice. But if you can’t stick ‘meow’ up your ass and send me on my way!”

As the Lesbian Crazy Cat Lady, I said, “You’re such a sweet young kitten. Why do you become so unpleasant in your vainglory?”

She looked at me and this is what she said,

“Oh, there ain’t no rest for the wicked! Frisky’s Delight doesn’t grow on trees. I got my groomer to pay for. I got several litters to feed. There ain’t no Calico love in this world for free!”
Not even fifteen minutes later after walking down, Abandoned Alley: I saw the shadow of Tom Cat, creep out of sight. And, then he swept up from behind. He put a mark(a lifting of the leg and a strange smell) on me.

He made it clear he wasn’t looking for a ‘cat fight.’

Tom said, “Give me all your female felines. I want their love not your life. But if you try to make a move…I spray again, twice.”
I told him, “You can have my spayed female, she’s had a hysterectomy. And, she is a well known bitch.”

I gotta ask, “What made you want to live this kind of life?”
Tom said, “Oh, there ain’t no rest for the wicked. Getting laid is money that doesn’t grow on trees. I got birds to haunt. I got several Baby Momma’s with mouths to feed.”
Well now a couple hours past and I was sitting on my couch. The day was winding down and coming to an end. And so, I turned on the TV. And, I flipped it over to the news… what I saw I almost couldn’t comprehend.

I saw a pedigree’d Maine Coon, in cuffs, she’d taken too much of the nip. She’d staggered over her rhinestone collar and had just one quote to the cops:

“I got the Cougar down the street. I got Big Bill to pay. We are all the same…there ain’t nothing in this world for free!”

Masking the Beast!

Inside a serene natural grocery store in Mill Valley, California, Dr. Jen Gunter is scowling at the women’s health aisle. “What’s wrong with the way the vagina smells?” she scoffs, looking over the topical wipes, creams, and washes promising to resolve undesired aromas. “There are no products here to make balls smell better.” Gunter whips […]https://www.motherjones.com/media/2019/08/wellness-goop-jen-gunter

Dr. Jen Gunter Wants to Protect Your Vagina From Gwyneth Paltrow

Someone needs to come up with a Patchouli/THC spray…and then, I’ll be interested!

Yet Another Ultimatum from the Cat

As an older cat, Billie, had begun to wander outside. Not one to condemn freedom. I had gently allowed this behavior…with a watchful eye. However, after having been naked all her life, placing a breakaway collar on her…proved difficult.

And, that, that was the straw that broke the portly Billie’s… usually casual demeanor.

Polydactyl cats should not be allowed pens!
Good Luck with your love issues, Billie

What to do when Naked

I will break this segment up in two phases:

Fighting with spouse…do’s and don’ts

What to do when naked?

Word has it on the ‘street’…Kaitlin Adderley, firmly believed that by taking her clothes off…piece by thong piece…she would show the world…and her boyfriend, just what they are missing!

According to a probable cause statement, Adderley was dressed when police arrived, but she made a statement to officers saying she had taken her clothes off during an argument with her boyfriend.

You knew what this was
I don’t want you anymore
I warned you before, I warned you before
Well I coulda sworn I told you I was mean

First and loathing-ly, I admit to having pulled some ‘stunts’…when semi single.

“Let me out of this car now!”

“I don’t care that we are in the middle of traffic hour, we are both menstruating or that we are driving in the galaxy of bad drivers (Mass-holes!)

Back beyond our first ‘date’. I say, first date, because everyone knows…

a lesbian’s second date requires moving in together.

Way back when my wife and I called arguments..discussions. Just to make life a little less like our parents.

Way back when, I felt she did not need another pair of…Croc’s from the Croc factory…to add to her,  Imelda Marcos , collection.

One thing led to another, potty mouths, potty words, bringing up dysfunctional past behaviors and correlating it with current days…shit! On and on, it went. Until I found myself walking down route 128…north out of Boston!

I learned terribly quickly that as much as I found myself fighting like my passive-aggressive mother…I can always change.

Alright so poor, Kaitlin, got busted! But busted naked! This trans-formative way of ‘fighting’ with significant others…encouraged me to look into,

How do we use our naked-ness…to get our way?

Most popular?

Well we know where we’re going
But we don’t know where we’ve been
And we know what we’re knowing
But we can’t say what we’ve seen
And we’re not little children
And we know what we want
And the future is certain
Give us time to work it out

Texting naked! Encouraging someone on the other end to loose track of reality and…put one out! Right there in the damn car!

There were a sundry of other misdemeanors…

-plain old driving naked

-going to church naked

-home burglary…while naked

On and on…again!

In all honesty, this one brought me back. Naked! Naked! What have I done…nude? And, why?

In college, when my parent’s with minus function, had thought it a good idea to move from the city to the country.

Pissed off! Newly egocentric! Longing for tarred roads! I thought it a good idea to…iron…naked!

B strong! B brave! B humble! B badass!

That is right. In my fragile mind and blooming body, an ‘all body’ tan, was needed. Not only a physique without tan lines but clothes…freshly ironed, pressed and clean scented.

One thing led to another down a dirt and sodden road…Canterbury; I soon learned that ‘vehicles’ travel with a certain carcinogenic noise. And, everyone else (employees of my mother who live nearby) travel by horse. Horses are nice and quiet and generally do not alert naked college students doing their ironing on the back deck…of their approach.

Where Are My Pink Canada Mints?!

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I have literally spent the last two weeks searching for two things:

A mouse pad! That’s right…a simple, useful, device for the desk!

And,

Pink Canada Mints for when I get parched!
fruitcakes

Not too far down the road from this the smallest, big city in New Hampshire is, Revere, Massachusetts.  A lovely high crime city.  It is mostly known as a burial ground for the Southies of Boston.

Side note:  I once spent a night in a mortuary…in a coffin…in Revere.  But that is another story for another time.

Long story short, the Necco company thought it would be cheaper to just close down…instead of removing the ‘scat’ and rodents…discovered within the machines.

So now WE have no more candy hearts, Necco Wafers, Mary Janes and Pink Canada Mints.

How hard is it for some sugar company to pick up the ball and run…with this one?

The loosing of the Malted Milk Balls did not phase me that much.  Though, I do enjoy chocolate Necco Wafers.

But WTF!

Because of my internal hysteria…I have up’d my meds.  So much so that I delusional-ly envisioned my desk with:

  • a boombox
  • cassette tape of ABBA’s greatest hits

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    Roach clip. Metal clip or holder used to hold a marijuana joint, to prevent burning of the fingers.
  • a roach clip with feathers dangling off

and…

  • a jug of Maddog 20/20