Big Hands I Know You’re the One

Trump supporter writes tribute song…

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When I’m out walking…I strut my stuff.  Yeah, and I’m sooo…strung out.  I’m high as a kite on diesel fuel…I just might stop to check you out.  

When at a MAGA rally…let me go on like the big orange blister in the sun.  Please, please, Big Hands, I know you’re the one.  Body bags and beets, I stain my sheets.  I dunno why.  I have a girlfriend, she’s at Folsom.  She traded some tricks to be here.  But she couldn’t make the grade…now she is starting to cry.

Let me go on like a can of used on Sun-In.  Let me go on with bible in clenched fist and can of Skoal in pocket.  Let me go on…Big Hands, I know you’re the one.

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And you know what they say about men with small hands,” he continued, pausing for dramatic effect. “You can’t trust ’em. You can’t trust ’em.

 

Trump’s Subterranean Homesick Blues

I’ve always thought that if it rains from time to time…Do I really need to worry about drought’

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You don’t need a weatherman
To know which way the wind blows

And, often I ponder…’If I don’t chew gum!  I must be an upright citizen!’

Trump on the problems with wind power: The wind ‘only blows sometimes’

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The pump don’t work
’Cause the vandals took the handles

“You look at the fact that we would have been powered by wind, which wouldn’t have worked by the way because it only blows sometimes and lots of problems come about.”

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William Barr and the Pot Fairy

I must admit.  After reading many Tom Robbins books and John Updike and Kurt Vonnegut…I began to believe in the Pot Fairy!  

For example, after having hidden a ‘stash’ in the tiny, tiny, tiny, compartment of my moped (the compartment that can easily be popped open with a butter knife).  I can go off into ‘space cadet’ fashion for several seasons.  Forgetting the 1/8th neatly tucked into my zip locked registration.

Two years later, on a transcendental ride…lonely for a toke and one on one with Zen Cows out to pasture…I will scrounge about the vehicle, looking for a light!

And, lo and behold, in the tiny, tiny, tiny, compartment?  A small Bic lighter and pot!

Therefore, the…Pot Fairy…she doesn’t always put out for wishes.  But when she does…she delivers!

Giving into innocence…an adults want to believe in the distortion of reality!

William Barr Reads “Moby-Dick,” Finds No Evidence of Whales

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Attorney General William Barr has just read the classic American novel “Moby-Dick,” by Herman Melville, and found that the book contains “no evidence whatsoever of whales,” Barr stated on Tuesday.

The Attorney General issued his statement on the absence of whales in the Melville classic in a two-paragraph book report released to the news media.

“Those who read ‘Moby-Dick’ looking for whales will be sorely disappointed,” Barr wrote. “There are no whales here.”

To illustrate his point, Barr quoted the book’s first sentence: “Call me Ishmael.”

“As you can clearly see, that sentence does not have a whale in it,” Barr wrote.

The Attorney General indicated that he hoped his report would put an end to “reckless speculation” about the existence of whales in “Moby-Dick.” “It’s time to move on,” he wrote.

Barr disclosed that, after waiting years to read “Moby-Dick,” he was able to finish reading it in approximately fifteen minutes.

  • Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.

Ruth, Ruth, Ruth

Reporter:

Supreme Justice, how many women are enough…to sit on the bench of the Supreme Court?

RBG:

When there are nine!  When are there nine!  Then there will be enough!

Sam Adams is dedicating a beer to Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg named ‘When There Are Nine’

Why is Sam doing this?

To promote strong women as beer drinkers…of course.

Ruth (the name), as many may realize, hit the big time only once.  You know the little book within the bigger book.  That appears to be Ruth and all namesakes…one hit wonder.

Of course, through history, we see spit and spatters of ‘mediocre SuperStar…persons named, Ruth.

Ruth Buzzi – comedianbuzzi1-1026x840

Ruth Ellis – famous British murderess

Dr. Ruth Westheimer – sex…pert

and

my favorite…

Ruth Gordon – Hot, cougar from the cult movie classic…Harold and Maude.

Oh, yeah, and me!

Editor’s note:  If you are intent on looking for a not so famous Ruth.  It is best to start the search at a place like Sunny-side nursing home or the old cemetery down the street that scares the shit out of you.

Good to see a Ruth with paraphernalia and trinkets adorned after her.  With some research and to aid in gifts for next Christmas, here are many other Ruth prizes to choose from:

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Great candle for around the #45 voodoo doll!
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Who doesn’t want to suck on that famous RBG tenacity?
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We should each be free to discover our own talents, whatever they may be, and not be held back by cotton barriers!
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We should each be free to discover our own talents, whatever they may be, and not be held back by cotton barriers!
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I ask no favor for my sex. I all ask of our brethren is that they take their feet off our necks!

Those Pesky Windmills

Thoughts on any of those pesky windmills?

Notions about…the sun and how it could power the earth?

Well, add these few astute observations from an expert…#45!03-30-17 Emissions

-Let’s put up some windmills. When the wind doesn’t blow, just turn off the television darling, please. There’s no wind, please turn off the television quickly.

=I think it’s something [Democrats] should really promote…no planes, no energy. When the wind stops blowing, that’s the end of your electric. ‘Darling is the wind blowing today? I’d like to watch television.

How ’bout global warming…and, alike?

-I’m not supposed to be using hair spray.  But think of it.  So Obama’s always talking about the global warming, that global warming is our biggest and most dangerous problem, OK?

And, certainly, our expert on the cleanliness of climate change offers some sage advice:

-You gotta take care of the floors. You know the floors of the forest, very important.

…You look at other countries where they do it differently and it’s a whole different story.  I was with the president of Finland and he called it a forest nation, and they spend a lot of time on raking and cleaning and doing things…

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YOU GOTTA TAKE CARE OF THE FLOORS. YOU KNOW THE FLOORS OF THE FOREST, VERY IMPORTANT. I WAS WITH THE PRESIDENT OF FINLAND, HE CALLED IT A FOREST NATION, AND THEY SPEND A LOT OF TIME ON RAKING AND CLEANING AND DOING THINGS AND THEY DON’T HAVE ANY PROBLEM

In my world if you say…you are an environmentalist.  You Are One!  After all, it takes balls to claim you belong to the earth…and, you don’t really mean it.  That is a lie likely to get one into hell.  Or, at least, elected to some important position.

Right now we’re at the cleanest we’ve ever been and that’s very important to me.   But if we’re clean, but every other place on Earth is dirty, that’s not so good…’So I want clean air, I want clean water, very important.’