William Barr and the Pot Fairy

I must admit.  After reading many Tom Robbins books and John Updike and Kurt Vonnegut…I began to believe in the Pot Fairy!  

For example, after having hidden a ‘stash’ in the tiny, tiny, tiny, compartment of my moped (the compartment that can easily be popped open with a butter knife).  I can go off into ‘space cadet’ fashion for several seasons.  Forgetting the 1/8th neatly tucked into my zip locked registration.

Two years later, on a transcendental ride…lonely for a toke and one on one with Zen Cows out to pasture…I will scrounge about the vehicle, looking for a light!

And, lo and behold, in the tiny, tiny, tiny, compartment?  A small Bic lighter and pot!

Therefore, the…Pot Fairy…she doesn’t always put out for wishes.  But when she does…she delivers!

Giving into innocence…an adults want to believe in the distortion of reality!

William Barr Reads “Moby-Dick,” Finds No Evidence of Whales

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Attorney General William Barr has just read the classic American novel “Moby-Dick,” by Herman Melville, and found that the book contains “no evidence whatsoever of whales,” Barr stated on Tuesday.

The Attorney General issued his statement on the absence of whales in the Melville classic in a two-paragraph book report released to the news media.

“Those who read ‘Moby-Dick’ looking for whales will be sorely disappointed,” Barr wrote. “There are no whales here.”

To illustrate his point, Barr quoted the book’s first sentence: “Call me Ishmael.”

“As you can clearly see, that sentence does not have a whale in it,” Barr wrote.

The Attorney General indicated that he hoped his report would put an end to “reckless speculation” about the existence of whales in “Moby-Dick.” “It’s time to move on,” he wrote.

Barr disclosed that, after waiting years to read “Moby-Dick,” he was able to finish reading it in approximately fifteen minutes.

  • Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.

After All…Free is Free

I love free stuff!  Free pens at the bank!  Free dog treats when I pick up a prescription!  Free bumper stickers at a political rally!

So…

borowitz_sanders_lying_free_shutdown

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “the least I can do for my country,” the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said on Saturday morning that she would lie for free during the government shutdown.

“Now more than ever it’s important that the stream of falsehoods and distortions from this White House continues to flow in a steady and uninterrupted fashion,” Sanders said. “To achieve that, for the duration of the government shutdown I will be lying on a pro-bono basis.”

Sanders said that Donald Trump had asked that she keep a full accounting of the lies she told during the shutdown so that she could be reimbursed for them later, but she turned down that offer. “I’ve often said that I like to lie so much I would do it for free,” she said. “This is a chance to put my money where my mouth is.”

The press secretary said that her offer had already inspired other top Administration figures to lie for free during the shutdown, including Vice-President Mike Pence, Attorney General Jeff Sessions, and White House doctor Ronny Jackson.

After making her announcement, Sanders moved on to a broad range of other topics, including her assertion that the government had not shut down.

borowitz-andy
Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,” and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes theBorowitz Report