A day at the dog park or rural trail can often poise a problem when encountering others with your dog/dogs:

Why does my dog hump? And, how can I get him to knock it the fuck off?

  • Like play fighting, play humping can be a completely normal and acceptable behavior between two dogs as long as it doesn’t upset one of the dogs. Some dogs play hump each other back and forth, and everyone is fine with it. Some dogs simply enjoy humping. Make sure to break it up if one of the dogs seems annoyed by the humping. Training may be useful in decreasing the frequency and intensity of play humping.
  • Sometimes it’s one intact dog humping a spayed or neutered dog. Females hump too, and it may or may not be sexual in nature. When a dog humps objects or people, it might be a form of masturbation. Having your dog neutered or spayed may help with the problem, but be aware that dogs may develop the habit of humping before they’re altered and continue it afterward.
  • Usually, however, dogs aren’t emulating mating behavior when they hump. Nonsexual arousal is more likely to provoke a dog to hump. It’s just a way for the dog to burn off energy or relieve stress. Some dogs bark, some run or jump, and others hump. This is normal for many dogs. If the behavior is frequent, training may help by redirecting your dog to another outlet for its excess energy.
  • Humping could be a sign of a urinary tract infection.
  • Neuter, neuter, neuter! This is a given! We are a lesbian household. Thus, every male has had a pediatric spay.
  • Catch the little shit in the act and shout, stop, down! Behave like the distressed and psychotic parent you are.

**Like that ever works

There are many embarrassing things I do…that I’m sure my dogs, secretly, abhor. Such as, calling them ‘sweetie’ in front of their friends at the dog park. Or, kissing them on the head in public.

My dogs hump! That’s right, I am the proud owner of humpy dogs. And, my own research explains exactly why dogs hump. Hump each other. Hump me. Hump other dogs. Hump strangers. Hump cows.

Dogs hump to get back at us, their so called, best friends.

National Pet Day 2019

Vanity: the original hate crime

There are many things I’ve always wanted to know about my animals.  Such as, why did you eat that, how did you get yourself in there, when hell freezes over, you’ll love me, and…where on earth did you get that thing that looks like an over cooked bat?

For national pet day, I gathered my brood and announced, there will be a new and improved, sheriff in town.  Everyone just turned and walked away, as is typical.  Therefore, I went on-line to find out…WTF is wrong with these animals?

-Cats don’t typically meow at each other—that’s a communication tool reserved for their humans. According to Science of Us, in a 2003 study, researchers at Cornell University recorded meows from 12 cats in five typical scenarios; when they played the meows for humans, the people who either had cats, interacted with cats, or liked cats were far more successful in deciphering the scenario. According to the lead author, Nicholas Nicastro, cats are very good at changing their vocalizations depending on the situation: The 7 a.m. “feed me” call, for example, is longer and has more energy in the lower frequencies, while the “adopt me” meow at the local shelter is shorter and equal in low and high frequencies. After millennia of working together, each species has managed to figure out what the other one wants.

-Goldfish have a reputation as short-lived creatures, but given proper care, they can live as long as 30 years in captivity. The oldest captive goldfish ever recorded was won at a fair in 1956 and died in 1999 at age 43.

-Many dogs have a condition nicknamed “Frito Feet,” in which their feet smell little bit like corn chips. As Matt Soniak wrote in a Big Question on this site, this has to do with the kind of bacteria found on a pup’s feet, and “could be due to yeast or Proteus bacteria. Both are known for their sweet, corn tortilla–like smell. Or it could be Pseudomonas bacteria, which smell a little fruitier—but pretty close to popcorn to most noses.”

-One survey found that 81 percent of cat owners let their felines sleep on the bed, compared to 73 percent of dog owners.

-According to the ASPCA, around 2.7 million shelter animals are adopted each year.

-One of the biggest differences between human behavior and cat behavior is the way we approach social interaction. Humans thrive off of establishing and maintaining relationships; we like to talk, touch, and make eye contact with one another. We interpret a lack of social interaction as something negative.

Cats, on the other hand, do not feel a particular need to engage in interactions that do not interest them. Their ancestors were somewhat solitary animals, and they generally did not communicate through sounds. Cats feel no obligation to constantly show their affection, even to their guardians! Your kitty isn’t being rude or spiteful, or even trying to ignore you; they just don’t feel like hanging out right now.

-Dogs receive more olfactory information about the environment with their head outside than inside the car, according to Robin Foster, Ph.D., research professor of animal behavior at the University of Puget Sound.

“The air being forced into the dog’s nose may intensify the odors,” Foster told The Dodo. “Even a dog who can’t get his head out the window, he will spend a lot of time sniffing at a gap in the window – probably gathering real-time intel on the current location.”


Thus, my ‘intel’ tells me…

Ride with the window down in the middle of winter.  Wait until my cat comes to me…before I fawn over it.  Adopt, adopt, adopt!  It is far better to lay down with the ‘cat’ than the stinky dog!

Matilda Mae

Animals…proud sponsors of the ‘it’s all about me’ nation!

She is part moon

she is part sun

Part victim

Part savior

…she is mostly…

my creator.

mattie 2

Could be said that on a fateful day

I had begun the journey called….

knowing enough to get out of my own way

Could have been said on a fateful day

‘what was there to see?’

I needed her more than she needed me.

At the time she had been

part used


part time


Within her soulful eyes..

a mystery of human lies.

A victim of hate using love as a disguise.

That is just how the story goes…

a one trick pony in a dog show.

Now I am part time patience

part time playmate.

Full time victim of the love she creates.

mattie 1

How to make yourself depressed

How does one make themselves depressed? After all, every good artist must seek a little pain.  Every writer must ignore the signs before wrapping themselves up in punctured metal.

Quick cure for Seasonal Affect disorder: Sit down, tuck your head between your legs and kiss the sun good-bye!
Quick cure for Seasonal Affect disorder:
Sit down, tuck your head between your legs and
kiss the sun good-bye!

Guaranteed, fool proof way to conjure sadness:

Get yourself a box of cheap wine. If you’re a recovering alcoholic…all the better…all the more reason to get pissy!  Unplug that box O spirit, pull the shades on a bright and cheery day…

…Find yourself, oh shit where is it?

There it is.

Find yourself, right behind the Carpenter’s Christmas CD, the ASPCA lady!

You dust off Sarah Mclachlan’s greatest hits…disc one and two.

Quietly you find ‘Angel’ an absolutely suicide inducing set of lyrics..

You reach over and unravel,

the Diary of Anne Frank,

from your over-the-top,

bookcase made up of stolen milk crates.

You read and reread ‘Anne’s’  brutal story until you can cite verse and page.

If you follow all these steps verbatim…A third degree depression will have no choice but be the salt for your wounds.

##However,if you do not have access to any of the above mentioned items!

You can always move to New Hampshire for the winter.  We haven’t seen the light of day since 2010!

Let It Go, Sarah, Let it go

the Canine Home Companion

the Canine Home Companion


The Canine Home Companion has recently been made aware of a new/old online social predator.  This animal has been seen disgracing such sites as; Twitter, Facebook and the ASPCA!

...Misfit dogs don't look for trouble...trouble looks for them!
…Misfit dogs don’t look for trouble…trouble looks for them!

Your local dog catcher is offering a reward for the apprehension of these creatures.

the Bog’s, as seen above, is just one of many ‘cute dogs’!  He has been known to defecate on unsuspecting lawns while kicking dirt in his owner’s face.  Typically the dirt kicking, the breaking of expensive family heirlooms and the embarrassing scenes of misbehavior at the vet’s office, are all products of a narcissist with a dangerous need to live life one day at a time.

These ‘cute dog’ photos have been known to produce bad images of Chihuahua’s in baby bonnets.  They have aroused the urge to put our needs behind others.  Most alarmingly, cute pet pictures have induced the proprietor into believing there is someone out there who can make everything alright at the end of a shitty day.

The mission of Canine Home Companion is threefold:

First, decrease the vulnerability of pet owners who watch ASPCA commercials, with sad Sarah McLaughlin songs, by exposing them to such classics as; War and Peace, Pet Cemetery and America’s Serial Killers volumes 1 to 10.

Second, develop an online hotline- 1-800-END-CUTE.  This phone service will provide rapid, effective and ugly online prerecorded messages,


‘You aren’t cute…And, your mother dresses you funny’

‘Licking my face only ruins the make-up and causes pimples!’

‘Stop looking at me with those big brown eyes!  The Grinch has big brown eyes!’

Third, the Canine Companion hopes to enhance and educate the online public via Dog Owner Rehabs, Kibble withdrawal detoxification centers and sites with nothing but 24 hours of political ads!

These predators may seem adorable online but once they have entered your home and your heart…You will realize that they are only there to love you.

Call the Canine Companion today and help keep cynicism alive.


It's time we all came out of the closet!
It’s time we all came out of the closet!

Next week, a one on one interview with cats who live in the closet!  Why they are there?  And, what do they hope to prove!