Dykes to Watch Out For

I saw the Sign! And, oddly enough, it has bitten me in the ass many a time.

What sign am I talking about?

How a stereotypical middle aged lesbian steps out onto the earthy carpet…

What is the latest addition of androgonist wardrobe come from?

A slight blend of the fanny pack paired with the typically atrocious colors of…Croc!

I am not certain how I feel about this new way to carry dog poop bags in my shoes. That being said, Croc-beams and its introduction, led me to assess my ‘closet.’

How to Spot a Lesbian?

  • The obvious…Vagatarian t-shirt! Typical with sleeves cut off and stained with Mother Nature’s girth
  • Rainbow Converse and/or rainbow shoelaces **this is an obvious giveaway
  • Pantsuits! Sorry Hillary! That is just the way it goes.
  • Sporty bras under blazers! Sorry Elizabeth Warren!
  • Wallets with chains
  • Comfortable shoes! For example, work boots, sandals with dull colors, bare and dirty feet.
  • Flannel shirts with a hole where the nail gun shot through
  • Tattoo! Tattoo! Where is the Lesbian!
  • A pair of linen pants for summer weddings
  • A pair of dress shoes (as unassuming as a sedan) for fall funerals
  • Lots O Jewelry or none at all
  • A Wife-beater dyed pink because your wife washed it with her rainbow knit hat

This list is a small example of a small subject group! Myself and my wife’s closet. We are both well into adulthood so adjustments can and should be made!

Such as…

  • A pair of shoes that either latch or have Velcro. Easy enough to slip on and off
  • Karma bead bracelet. A sign to other lesbians, baby dykes, letting them know your vagina has been there done that. And, you are old and proud enough to wave it around
  • Cargo shorts with a shitload of pockets. Goddess knows…lesbians have a bad habit of picking things up off the road

Finally, and this is vastly important, the ‘wedding ring.’ A true sign of how far we have come. A reminder of how far we have yet to go!

A ‘Butch’ Handbag

Duct Tape Use number 212=can't afford to the vet?  Duct Tape is the best chastity belt around!
Duct Tape Use number 212=can’t afford to the vet? Duct Tape is the best chastity belt around!

 

1. the Duct Tape BibleIf you can’t duct it…fuck it!

2. Hand rolled…legal, for now, cigarettes.  Just like the Marlboro Man!

3. A belt.  Preferably canvas.  Butch lesbians tend to wear their pants way too big.  A belt is always helpful in not exposing the tighty whiteys!  Also of note, loose belts are great for tethering stray animals.  As it is common knowledge that manly lesbians are prone to rescuing lost causes!

3. Altoids?  Well, no, not really!.  Old Altoids containers plucked from a random trash bin…work wonderful as safety compartments for the not quite legal yet, other hand rolled cigarettes!

4. Leathermens!  Or, Leatherwomens, as most of us with breast and flannel prefer!  If it can’t be cut up, measured, sliced, popped open and/or snipped…It ain’t worth bringing home to meet the parents!

5. Carmex and Burt’s Bees.  Anything semi transparent with a filmy texture is worth keeping a firm hold off.  One never knows when they’ll need to lubricate themselves out of a bad situation.

6. A Dora the Explorer hairbrush from the dollar store.  No cost is too high when it comes to impressing the ladies.

7. Barbasol aftershave: great for close encounters of the biker kind.  Yet, what is not known about this timeless treasure…

Barbasol is a friend indeed when it comes to repelling insects.

8.  Gorilla tape has quickly come up the fashion ladder in the gay community as the newest way to take baby dykes hostage.  However, if your over forty and looking for love in all the wrong places…the old standby ‘leopard’ print duct tape…Is the best bondage baggager and leaves less scarring behind!

 

**Remember to use Duct Tape responsibly!  And, please don’t duct and drive!