All Out…an Anger

Dear…

What drives your force?
What drives your force?

Let’s face the facts, it maybe 2015, but it sure feels like the early 1960’s! Unrest and ambivalence are never a handy combination.

Are we a nation divided under color? Are we a nation poised for battle in the bedroom?

I have a nasty little quirk. A formidable habit of becoming stoically silent and ferociously quiet…when I feel forced into a corner.

Anger, to me, has been such an over explored emotion, at least, in my family. Violence with the threats or without? It did not matter. It, anger, felt like a choice. A sort of sink or swim. Do or die!

I ran so fast from the scenes of my childhood. I ran as fast and as far…as my empty wallet and dying from alcohol to kill the pain, body…would take me.

The world to me feels like a grander scale of Alcoholics refusing to get help. People shooting people for no real reason. No real reason other than a wanting to be center stage, top dog and/or the actor, director, producer…of our own play.

Dear Old Grandfather had been in law enforcement. He saw anger. Therefore, he brought anger home. It had nowhere to go. He died a dry drunk…angry and without remorse for the aches he had left behind.

He also had disowned my homosexual ass! Declining any contact with me. He opted out of my young adulthood years. And, to that, I felt anger.

And so, the cycle went on and on and on.

Anger has nowhere to go…if it is left to it’s own.

WE are all faced with choices. Whether we are the dirtiest of poor or the richest of the self appointed jesters in our court of It’s All About Me!

The question is:

WE are only as angry as we seem!
WE are only as angry as we seem!

Has America hit rock bottom yet? Or, is there still room and time to play around with the idea that…the white man is better than… and the heterosexual couple will go to heaven?

I don’t think there is much time left. Even so, I’ve gone back into hiding.

Hiding in my Alcoholic’s Anonymous books. Finding salvage amongst Native American philosophies. Packing up my soul and psyche and heading into the written word!

On our own will alone, the world just isn’t holding water.

Goddess, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

The courage to change the things I can.

And, the wisdom to know the difference.

Three simple sentences that stopped my ass from being on fire…many moons ago.

Later along I learned that anger is unnecessary when going to a fight. The concept should be…I didn’t have to go to the fight in the first place.

Can I change someone else? Make black blue? Make queer straight?

Shit, no!

Should I even worry about those persons do anyway?

Shit, no!

I suppose the best we can do is join or don’t join. Be party to the hysteria, the back turning, the name calling and the discrimination?

Or, we can write, vote, standup to, one voice at a time, the misplaced anger.

My grandfather passed away leaving me with a vivid memory…

He had been insistent that my grandmother had been having an affair with a Puerto Rican cemetery man. (His words, not mine.)

Day in and day out, right up until the end. He made my grandmother’s life a living hell topped with resentful spite!

He was becoming senile and the violence in his soul was getting the best of him.

Shortly after the wake and the funeral. Shortly after my grandmother relieved herself of fifty years doing the dirty with a bitter man.

Shortly after the smoke cleared and the feverish fog lifted…She, my namesake, my grandmother…told me this:

I loved your grandfather but it was anger that did him in!

I often think of her, him and those words…as I watch the world unravel!

RandomwordbyRuth

All Out…and, Stand UP!

Have you been saved?

 

 

 

 

Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.”  ― Franz Kafka
Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.”
― Franz Kafka
 
 
A moral dilemma had rolled into my local town.  For that matter, it sat itself down on most of the northeast, parts of the south, all of the west and bear hugged the world…
The Truth or Dare local news sent out selfies of anchor persons with looks of confusion and pronounced images of DAH expressions!
The local networks…usually based upon 24 hours of cute kittens and huggable puppies…announced ‘doomsday‘.  The New Hampshire Homeland security agency sent out ‘hold on to your big girl panties’ emergency texts…Inconsistently, because most of the agents were busy helping old ladies cross the streets.
A small gesture has greatness with faith
A small gesture has greatness with faith
All messages whether blatant or obscured by urban slang, warned, evacuate your towns ASAP.  Pick up your trailer and find higher ground! 
‘The End is Near’ and
‘The End is Near You!’
Being a true blue blond.  Being fair of hair but loosened by too much gluttony, I gave up on my cynicism and fell for the ‘Dirty Laundry’ flashing upon my tablet’s screen.  Similar to Moses with the tree and/or bush…that some pyro’ set on fire…I knew my Higher Power had spoken to me via the change of the winds and the stare of the cats!  An epic spiritual event was about to happen and I had no one but me to blame!
Climbing upon a stolen milk crates stacked several stories high, I found room on a widow’s walk for seven cats, two dogs and one lesbian and myself (who also happens to be a queer).

Violence...unhappy dreams giving the illusion of warmth
Violence…unhappy dreams giving the illusion of warmth
I said to myself in a last gasp Marlboro Red voice,
‘Self, I trust in my Higher Power and if any of the forty legged family is in peril…an angel will fall upon me like ‘Baby Mommas to a poor town’ and save my sorry ass.
Sure enough, a text:
White Officer not indicted in the shooting of an unarmed African-American teenager…
The day rolled along, as most, ‘The End’ is always near, days go…
Yet, another text message:
NYPD cop goes unscathed after choking a young black man to death…
…As the young man pleads, I can’t breathe.  I can’t breathe!
 
As I stood amongst the fur, the ass-fault and the shingles, a neighbor shuffled by in her Moo-Moo.
‘Ruth, come down from there.  WTF!  Are you off your meds again?  Get in the Mini van and let’s head for the hills!  The shit is ’bout to hit the fan!’
I smiled a rainbow smile.  I nodded a liberal grin.  And, I calmly stated:
‘No, Dot, you and Jay Z jr., head on out.  Our angel will be coming to release us from this…a moral dilemma doomsday!’
The violent hearts kept rising higher, the languid lies, the avoided dishonesty and a world-full of not good began to overtake my mythical septic tank.
Honestly, the shit just stank!
My house filled with looking the other way.  My den became entrenched with disloyalty.  My home was soon becoming filthy with conformity and ethically bad worldly events!  There would be nothing left to do but jump!
Soon falling down would have to happen.  Soon a quiet little family from north of north…would become a blimp on the TSA‘s radar!
Franklin‘s also had a ‘up to no good’ police squad, akin to other poorly dealt authority figured small towns.  They too must have smelt a change in the air.  They too must have heeded the call, ‘if there is an accident…always wear clean underwear’!  They too came by!
‘Ruth, get you skinny white ass down off the roof.  Ruth, you’re in trouble and this time we’re telling you the truth!’
I spoke with gusto…
‘No, no, no!  Save someone else who really needs saving.  Help someone else’s cat out of a tree!’
I sent them all away.  The lack of News media, the lack of human-ness police.  The lack-less and gossip more neighbor. 
I sent them all away…Knowing an angel is on her way!
And, in the end?
Another text.  A lasting message:
Another person dies today for no reason.  Another person took another person life.  Another person will not see The End!
 
As I sat alongside my loved ones, I beckoned to the sky!  As I took a forever ending breath…I spoke to the heavens:
I put my faith in you.  You my supposed Higher Power.  I opened my mind and soul to you.  I begged you to rid me of the sadness the had fallen upon to my kin. 
Why didn’t you help me?  Why didn’t you feel my pain?  Why did you leave me in this…a shredding from the inside out world?
A sound like no other rose from the ashes of a world rotting from tooth decay.  A noise spoken from the ashes of my Ash tree.  A voice with no body.  A power covered with humility and saturated with goodness, spoke to me:
I sent you on angel.  You shot him.
I sent you another angel.  He begged you to look before you act.  You choked him.
And, lastly, I sent an angel to you each and everyday.  Each and every hour.  Each and every second.  You did not feed him.  You did not cloth her.  And, mostly, you passed them all by like they were strangers on the street.  Not the family they were.  The family you just didn’t have time to meet!