Life on Life’s Terms

The Story of

my

Life

Middle Age: Mistaking imagination for memory!
Middle Age:
Mistaking imagination for memory!

I know better now…

I did not know better

than!

Middle Age and Pissed

7 reasons why-

  1. No longer do I tolerate persons who block both gas pumps with their Toyota Prius...Or whatever other, hybrid  that could fit it in my glove compartment, car. It is too cold. I am too old.  Typically, these persons are overweight, looking to by a scratch ticket on their EBT card and just coming down from huffing Gliden paint the night before.  Yet, to be honest, time…after forty…is of the essence and I don’t want to spend it staring down the crack of Dawn!

  2. It has been said time and time again, medicine bottles are a bitch! The only small children I have are on four legs! And, if my cat or dog are pill popping from a cabinet four feet up…I have more to worry about than their addiction to Pepto Bismo!

    ##Safety caps have gone the way of the dinosaur! Let’s face it, Tylenol, Johnson and Johnson and NyQuil…Small adults, which is what these little rodents are, can break into these little drug dens…far better than middle aged adults.

    I have to put a wrist splint on for Christ’s sake…just to take my arthritis medication!

  3. Sport Bras and their cousins, thermal underwear, leggings and form fitting workout pants!

    I watched myself the other day…guess I never took the time before, put on a large, built for women with line backer shoulders, sport bra! It looked sad! Down right discouraging. I had to finish the seizure like activity by sitting down on the commode…go figure? Beware Danskin…there maybe a lawsuit in your future. I pulled a neck muscles and tore my rota-tor cuff! And, as noted above, I couldn’t even break into the Advil bottle to relieve the pain…

    ‘Mind your Meds…as they say!’

  4. Young people and Old Farts. Young people? It obvious to me that there is some sort of conspiracy going on between the electronic industry and persons under the age of thirty five. Bruce Springsteen once spoke of the rage over channel surfing...57 channels and nothing on!

    RandomwordbyRuth would like to up this ante by saying…

    Your electronic device and it’s lights are on but no one is home!

    More so than the young-in’s…the seniors are really starting to piss me off! I want my AARP! Give me my green stamps, large dial cell phone and bought by disability Harley now!

    Once a month I take my mother to the movies. Once a month I sit back and watch her scold her way into having the movie theater pay her to come see the movie. Senior Discount. Catholic Daughter’s of the America’s gift certificate, downloaded app from AARP allowing all persons 65 and up to see R-rated movies…if it is a late matinee!  What next?  If you have two canes and an ugly Christmas sweater…just take a selfie and you’ll be eligible for a year’s worth of free movies!

  5. Of course, the sundry of foods we can no longer eat…grows with each not passing bowel movement we can not have!

    Peanuts…sit like little acorns ready for a harvest in my large intestine.

    Hard Candy…further ensnarement that teeth do not span the passage of time…That is unless they are removable!

    Buttery Popcorn…You might as well grab a copy of that AARP magazine you stole from the doctor’s office, an electronic cigarette and kiss your partner ‘good-bye’ for the day. Forward all calls to the bathroom! The Queen is in waiting on the throne!

  6. DVD’s! As one grows older, they collect memorabilia. Personally, I watch movies. Old or new, a good two hours of make believe takes away the worries of the day. As we grow older, however, junk/bad movies/ boring trinkets find themselves under the category of…memorabilia.

    I have kept track…there have been 6 years, 3 hours and 32 seconds of watching  DVDs’ I should have thrown away from the get go. Burn after watching..the first time, idiot! I am not wise or young enough to remember that a movie with Kim Basinger, playing a thirty year old mother running around a town avoiding a run in with nameless teenage male actors who have taken her 6 year daughter, is something I should have passed by at the Dollar Store!

  7. Being gay! So much fanfare about this nowadays. Years ago, it was a sin…now it is ‘in’…

    What I really wished? Raised Catholic, in a semi rural state, with parental units that believed in the virtue of it’s Adam and Eve…not Adam and Steve...

    I really wished, no matter the environment and woman’s instinctual need to please, I had put my big girl panties on…sooner!

    That, even now, it is not a matter of who you go to bed with! But that there are so many bigger fish to fry. Am I a good person? Am I charitable? Do I do for others?

    ‘Not, gee, I should hide Liz in the closet before my father picks me up for spring break. Don’t want him to think I’m a queer!’

    Post Script:

    My father and mother both knew I was a queer…Long before I came out of the closet at 18. They actually breathed a sigh of relief and asked if I was ready to get down to the business of

    LIVING LIFE ON LIFE’S TERMS!

    Wherever you go...there you are
    Wherever you go…there you are

the Tree Hugger Almanac

the Tree Hugger Almanac

Live a little...hug a tree without a face mask!
Live a little…hug a tree without a face mask!

October 25, 2014

Today, in our Nation’s capital a New Hampshire woman who prefers to remain nameless has contracted the disease Poison Oak while a hugging tree.  Several by-standers stated that whilst in route to the largest manmade dildo monument south of New Jersey; the unidentified woman was witnessed making nice, nice with a large, our tax dollars paid of it, Oak tree.

Security Guards from the Port O John Museum…’set to be unveiled next August’ were seen removing the old hippie with sanitary seat covers and old tree limbs.

the government is lost in it's own translation
the government is lost in it’s own translation

An unidentified Metro employee, who shall remain nameless, stated having heard the following statement:

The wacked out bitch was here for the National Nationalization of the Legalization of Marijuana March on the side steps of the stairs that lead up to the Museum of the Department of Agriculture building…She’d hit the pipe one too many times and now she’ll have to pay for it!

 

Also, in the not news today,

the Non Accredited Never Heard of ‘Em before, Institute of Mundane activities has suggested the following enterprises to reduce stress:

1. Participate in a weekend Scrapbook Convention

If the media were a circus...they'd be clowns by now!
If the media were a circus…they’d be clowns by now!

2. Attend an A.A. conference

3. Become a member of the local Stamp Collector’s Guild

 

Lastly, of note…some music!

The commission of Honorary Pedophiles (the ones that seem like they could be, act like they could be and stand on street corners like they could be) has wired a list of contenders for their groups anthem!

Neil Diamond and his rendition of ‘Girl You’ll Be a Woman Soon’

Gary Puckett and the Union Gap with their lovely tune ‘Young Girl’

and

Bruce Springsteen’s ‘I’m on Fire.’

 

 

###the Tree Hugger Almanac…when ya’ own the information…you can bend it all you want!

 

editor’s note:

Undisclosed and un-named and to remain nameless sources have just announced that the above mentioned Oak tree has been placed in quarantine…No family members have come forward to claim the tree.

 

 

Signs of O.L.F=Obtuse Life Forms

how to be stupid without really trying

Today, in the heart of the shut down New Hampshire heartland while buying some cancer-sticks to go with my plastic granola bar and my toxic diet low cal Gatorade I had been asked by a young fella in Patriot‘s jersey with a near six month pregnant belly but not:

‘Who’s your Daddy?’

Though not bred for white trash talk I can spar with the best of the scum at the bottom of the Kiddie Pool!

‘My Daddy just left yo’ Mom-ma and he said, there ain’t nothing leftover but leftovers!’

However, the importance of my improper thoughts began to wander:

I really don’t understand Bruce Springsteen and what he hopes to accomplish with the following materially lucrative yet tasteless song:

Sign, sign, everywhere a damn sign!

Hey little girl is your daddy home
Did he go away and leave you all alone
I got a bad desire
I’m on fire

*why is it important to know where my daddy is?  And, shouldn’t we be more worried about the desire an adult male has towards an obviously under age child than my abandonment issues?’

Tell me now baby is he good to you
Can he do to you the things that I do
I can take you higher
I’m on fire

where is my whore to go with my crack?

‘In a witless world filled with sexually latent and emotionally stunted twenty somethings…we are all on fire!  Pissed!  Angry and Confused!  Perhaps the problem all along has been what Bruce has made blatantly clear:

Getting high with male father figures in our formidable years can cause bouts of twerking and near fatal de-friending episodes as young adults!

Sometimes it’s like someone took a knife baby
Edgy and dull and cut a six-inch valley
Through the middle of my soul

The above statement is what is wrong with America today never,ever, ever, never use a dull knife to cut with.  It is a known fact that dull knives are far more dangerous than sharp ones!

At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet
And a freight train running through the
Middle of my head
Only you can cool my desire
I’m on fire

My ‘Daddy’ as that overfed cracker liked to refer to my father.  The lost in space not quite adult tween…not Bruce..

stupidity is out for blood
stupidity is out for blood
at least count I had been up to five friends but hey, who’s counting?

Dirt-less Words

  • Sex Kittens-a women’s breasts!
  • Blowhole-gas vent that blows whole not half!
  • Jaculate-to throw or thrust something
  • Titmouse– a bland looking not large breasted songbird

Favorite Dirtless sentence for the week-

During peak foliage season in New Hampshire tourists may see a large group of titmouse e-jaculat-ing threw the air because their friends the Sex Kittens have gone home to their Daddy the Blowhole!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0iofL2IlSo