Lizzie Borden and Her Cat

Crazy Cat Lady?

No, I’ve never been referred to as a, lady.

Yes, I have been known to be madly…antagonistic.

And, I have my fair share of CATS!

Perhaps, more accurately…I am a Crazy Cat Lesbian!

For myself, and others like me, Cats are a mystery that will never be completely solved.

For myself and others like me,

I have been pried awake from a dead sleep to…bitchy, always open, resting…eyes!

It is an unsettling feeling. Invisibly hypnotic emerald eyes, dilated and magnificent in color, from a darkened room, not seen but felt.

Like a scary movie where you know for certain something will be jumping out of creepy corner…and, time and time again, an un-containable scream.

Let us be honest…The Cat is out to get its owner. There are only two questions the Cat Lover should be asking herself:

Is the un-examined life really worth living…?

Why is my Cat such a bitch?

Well, I discovered through very little research (as I don’t believe in the whole…understanding is knowledge thing) that many of us suffer from being…Pussy Whipped!

And, like good Cat Lovers do, we down grade aggressiveness to being…feisty and unpredictable.

I took some ‘terms’ and posed them against my family of feline’s behavior:

-Does the Cat swat?

yes!

Does the Cat scratch on your great grandmother’s kitchen table that survived the ‘Great Depression?’

yes!

When another the Cat walks into the living-room does the first Diva…

growl, hiss, posture or pull her ears back?

yes!

Does the Cat stalk the Human as if they were…prey? Particularly if the dish is dry, the box is dusty, attention is wanted and/or they want to go out and maim little field mice!

yes!

Finally,

Does the Cat stick her ass in one of at least two faces, yours or the next door neighbor’s, balls have dropped, Tom Cat?

yes!

Can the Cat Lover…un-Bitch her cat?

no!

I took an online quiz to get to the bottom of this issue. Not really sure why. Being educated but lacking the depth of the Cat, I will never solve the mystery. But my the Cat…scored a 90! Just another item to add to the Bitchy Cat resume!

https://brainfall.com/quizzes/how-bitchy-is-your-cat/2c17s2/

Little known fact:

Lizzie Borden loved the Cat!

Lizzie and Emma Borden were among the top donors to animal-welfare groups in Fall River. In her will, Lizzie left $30,000 to the Animal Rescue League of Fall River. That bequest continues to help animals today.

12 Step Program for Animal Lovers

  1.  We admitted we were powerless over our 4 legged (sometimes 2 legged, sometimes finned, sometimes…winged)friends-Our lives had become nothing but lint rollers and poop bags…Our lives become ungovernable.58942_main._ac_sl400_v1534258030_
  2.  Took as the gospel that  these Prima Donas, in fur coats, could restore some sanity to the our atheistic lives.
  3.  Made a stupid decision to volunteer at the local animal shelter, turned our wills over to the Cat and our life insurance policy…to the Dog, as we understood him/her.
  4.  Made a ‘hanging on by a thread’… and cowardly moral inventory of: flea treatments, pet E pedicures,  haircuts, heart-worm pills, dog toys, dog bones, homemade in New Hampshire Cat Nip (organic)…Cat Hotel with wall to wall carpet, Cats in the Kitchen Goldie Lox Chicken and Salmon Recipe Au Jus wet cat food.  Sat down on the Cat’s Wexler Bed, Mid Century Modern ($349.00)…and, cried.il_794xn.1780191748_2anu
  5.  Admitted to Golden Hound and Bastet, and at least Betty White or Peta…the exact nature of our crazy cat lady and Dog is my Co-Pilot, behavior.
  6.  Were entirely ready to have St. Francis, Bastet or Golden Hound…encourage our dotting, eccentric, fanatical, ways.
  7.  Humbly asked Them to stop dragging us about by the short-hairs.
  8.   Made a list of all non animal lovers (shallow mortals, as I like to call them) we had harmed and became willing to make them cat sweaters for x-mas.
  9.  Made direct physical contact to animal abusers…wherever possible, and neutered/spayed them…with a dull knife.
  10.  Continued to take personal inventory of chewed gym shoes, tattered bra, nested on down jacket, steak n cheese sub with bite marks in it, fish tank with paw prints, shredded toilet paper and missing pens.page_1
  11.  Sought through Me time with the Cat or Dog, walks in the woods, tracing the curves of whiskers, belly rubs and chin scratches…to improve our conscious contact with Golden Hound, St. Francis and/or Bastet, as we understood Them.
  12.  Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, WE try to the carry fur on our clothes and the smile in our hearts,  to other struggling Animal Lovers, and to practice these principles when meeting new 4 legged friends…we see on the street.

dr.seuss-what-pet-should-i-get
Dogs kind of default to making friends unless provoked. Cats seem to default to making enemies unless convinced otherwise. -Perry Kilpatrick

Everything I Learned in Cat School

  1. To completely understand humility…I must first try to pat a cat
  2. The Cat obviously knows exactly what my faults are and I will be treated bernieaccordingly
  3. I will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats
  4. Cats are like a thing of beauty, strength, and grace that lies behind…a poor attitude
  5. In the dark all cats and all women are beautiful
  6. There are no dog houses for cats
  7. Beware the Cat hater
  8. Mostly, a cat is a cat and that is that
  9. The Cat will wait until you clean the ‘cat box’ before using it
  10. puff daddy
    When rats infest the Palace a lame cat is better than the swiftest horse.

How Many is Too Many…Cats?

Millions of Cats – Wanda Gag

**America’s oldest picture book/1928

Once upon a time there was an old man and an old woman who were very lonely. The very old man and the very old woman lived together in a house surrounded by flowers.  The only thing missing in their lives was ‘an adorable furry’ cat.   And, so the old man went out searching.   He found not one cat, but millions and billions and trillions of cats! Unable to decide which one would be the best pet, he brought them all home.

Which poses a new problem…too many cats!

millions of cats

In the long run, the cats eat each other.

Leaving only the homeliest cat…who only needs some love and milk to become beautiful.

 

That’s Mrs. Crazy Cat Lady…to You!

Crazy Cat Lady explains her ‘neurosis’ to the ‘cat!’

Want me to love you in moderation?
Do I look moderate to you?

Want me to love you in moderation?
Well, who do you think you’re talking to?

I’ve never made it with moderation.  No, I’ve never understood…All the feeling was all or nothing.  And, I took everything I could.  Can’t hold it back. I can’t take the tension.  Oh, I’m trying to be good!
Want me to love you in moderation?
Well don’t you know, I wish I could.

Florence+the Machine