Humor is next to heaven. A good sense of laughter and when to where it dresses up the most mundane of days. A lust for pleasurable jokes and stupid puns are what we are made up of…it is in our rich history of mistakes.
I once woke up…
Stumbled out of the mattress that laid strewn across my dorm room floor. It had been covered by hairy and distasteful drunken bodies after Spring Weekend. Stumping across to the outer reach and navigating away to relieve my bladder ‘Oh, So Full of bad Beer’ I snagged my foot upon a movable breathing tiny substance…
Glancing down and picking up the tiny creature…it had been a simple black ant seeking refuge in my Condemned to a Life of Hellishly Good Parties, room. He and/or she seemed dazed and confused for so long…not true!
My little newly acquired friend simply had found himself a nest on a pile of cocaine that managed to make it through the night. My aptly placed creature seemed antsy…get it! So, I placed him back on the floor of Dead Head memorabilia…quickly, he found his way back to his white sand dune home. An ant nest of the highest black market value. Quietly he sat there listening contentedly to the Wall and soaking in the rays of life.
I expressed this story to my first wife who indulged me with these words…
‘You are sophomoric and life with you is a carnival of bad rides!’
So, in remembrance of the Not so Good Old Days…here’s looking at you Linda!
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. … Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.
Been dazed and confused
for so long, it’s not true
Wanted a woman, never bargained for you
Lotsa people talkin’,
few of them know
Soul of a woman was created below, yeah
You hurt and abuse,
tellin’ all of your lies
Run ’round, sweet baby, lord, how they hypnotize
Sweet little baby, I don’t know where you been
Gonna love you, baby, here I come again
Every day I work so hard, bringin’ home my hard-earned pay
Try to love you, baby, but you push me away
Don’t know where you’re goin’,
only know just where you’ve been
Sweet little baby, I want you again
Oh, I don’t like when you’re mystifyin’ me
Oh, don’t leave me so confused, now
Been dazed and confused for so long, it’s not true
Wanted a woman, never bargained for you
Take it easy, baby,
let them say what they will
Tongue wag so much when I send you the bill!
TheCertifiablyTRUERavingsOfASectionedPhilosopher: Don't be afraid to think you might be a little 'crazy'. Who isn't? Check out some of my visualized poems here: https://www.instagram.com/maxismaddened/