Me and You, My dog and Your cat!

Licking has been known to improve…motor function!’

a smile on a dog/
a smile on a dog/

So, what gives?  ‘You say, tomato…I say, toma-toe…let’s call the whole thing off!’

My spouse and 73.6% of all partnered white lesbian households where there is one Capricorn and one Pisces, neither having similar hair color or synchronicity in musically taste: Show that cat and dog households can co-mingle.

Yes, cats have more neuro transmitters per snobby capita.  However, dogs are larger in size and therefore, most likely just spreading their intelligence too thin.

Indeed cats seem to know that grooming is not just a last-minute ditch to be invited to sleep in the big bed.  Cats just seem to know that bathing is not something you do in a sinkhole.

Known fact?

Help I've mixed my personality disorder with OCD...I named her, CAT!
Help I’ve mixed my personality disorder with OCD…I named her, CAT!

All licensed and hoped to be licensed lesbian, transgender, bi-sexual, homosexual and heterosexual couples are aware that you cannot co-exist as a dog meet dog and/or cat meet cat household.  Most enter into their perspectives relationships in the following manner:

‘Barley is my cat…I’ve had him since I was two years old…he is now 35 and I won’t give him up.  He doesn’t bark, shit himself, eat his own vomit or request my presence while he cleans his pecker.’

‘No, you don’t understand, Mattie saved me when I almost fell into the fire pit while drinking Tequila and hunting crows…she ran over and threw herself down on top of me and smothered me with love.  She was there when Ellen came out and barked with joy when Rosie went off the air.’

For Fact Sake:

Let’s examine the evidence

Cats have a sense of superiority akin to the cheerleader you hated in High School.  They are aloof and generally travel to the beat of a psychotic introvert drummer.  Felines no matter how you cut it, they are just pretending to be obtuse to who is smarter, better and/or above reproach…for that kind of behavior is below them.

Dogs on the other hand

Cats & Dogs (Evidence album)
Cats & Dogs (Evidence album) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

have a superior sense of smell and sniff other dog’s asses in order to understand them better.

Something we humans could learn from!

I’m not aware of too many things I know what I know, if you know what I mean, d-doo yeah

What I Am

  1. Marriage is a bond between two persons.  A bond that allows for growth, conditional and unconditional love.  Marriage is learning to pick your battles.  Marriage is my dog will have to live in the same household as your  overly fed, narcissistic, anti-social, CAT!

Therefore, the ‘real’ facts between unionizing cats and dogs and marriage:

  1. Allow for your spouse to have a cat that will live in the basement…for eternity!  This cat has never aged, never set a paw on the first floor, does not accept your presence and is currently plotting your dogs demise!
  2. Believe your wife when she states the following:

‘I honestly think that my cat sees dead people!  She stares at the wall for infinite periods of time.  And, she will occasionally, raise a paw to a shadow…as if she were greeting someone!’

**Also believe, there is now psychotropic medication for neurotic cats!

  1. Do not argue with your partner…ever, ever, ever, about the fact that cats do not seem to know the notion of fun.  Do not come home from a long enlightened walk in the woods with the dogs and say:

‘Honey, you should have seen them playing tag with the Gopher!  Throwing it up in the air.  Playing catch with it!  Maiming it!’

Your long-term best friend with benefits, will look at your with disgust in her eyes and dread in her voice.  She will tell you what a heathen you and your dogs are.  She will also tell you…her cats play better, have more fun and enjoy life…far better than any canine.  She will than bring up the story of how Prince, the pedigree pompous ass Persian, learned to use the toilet!

Feline fur-lined estrogen
Feline fur-lined estrogen

the Canine Home Companion_________Weekend Edition

the Canine Home Companion Weekend Edition

A spay a day keeps the  Tom cats away!
A spay a day keeps the
Tom cats away!

###editorial rendition

Crazy Cat Lady Memoir to her crazy cat:

Dear Polly Anne,

When I said I needed you…You said, ‘I’ll always stay!’

It wasn’t me Polly, who changed…but you…You and your condescending ways!

No matter, smart ass cat…because now you’ve gone away!

Humans have only one true and effective weapon...the CAT!
Humans have only one true and effective weapon…the CAT!

I sit knitting and collecting dead butterflies but…it all circles back to…

Now you’ve gone. I am left here on my socially unfriended own! Ms. Pissy Pants…you’ve catted ’bout town and I’m left here on my own…Now, Bitch, I can’t watch Ellen…I have to follow your in ‘Heat’ ass! Follow your ‘Holier Than Thou’ scent…And, beg you to come home!

Diva on Demand with a fur coat…You don’t have to say you love me…Just be close at hand! You don’t have to acknowledge I’m in the room…I will understand!

Polly Anne, dear, over the top, Polly Anne, believe me, believe me, I can’t help but spend my misguided love on you! But believe me…I will hunt you down! in dire moderation!
Cats…love in dire moderation!

I’ve been locked out of Facebook and Twitter and left with just a life-size portrait of you and me an a memory! Life seems dead and smells like a used cat box…WTF…What’s the deal? All that’s left is loneliness and there is nothing left to feel!

So, in ending, Ms. I Breed Better, you don’t have to say, you love me. Just let me be a fan! You don’t have to stay forever. I know I’ll never land a man!

Yours in sisterhood, devoted and with your best interests in mind-

Crazy than a Cat on a Tuna Boat Roof/Cat Lady!

Man is the only animal that blushes...Or, needs to! -Mark Twain
Man is the only animal that blushes…Or, needs to!
-Mark Twain

Flirting with the Devil!

###homage to the ugly bulldog!

He kicks off

He does not stride

It is a precarious ride!

He left his leash out in the rain

A puppies pulpit…

No pain, no gain!

To lie down with dogs is to exercise good common sense!
To lie down with dogs is to exercise good common sense!

He keeps the playing field level.

Flirting with the four-legged devil.

the Canine Home Companoin

the Call of Vacation

When the working day is done Girls - they want to have fun
When the working day is done
Girls – they want to have fun

Eddie Cantrow:  She doesn’t have a great sense of humor.

Doc:  Are you out of your mind? Funny’s a male gene, you idiot.   Haven’t you ever noticed whenever you see a really funny girl, she’s a little mannish? Think about it. Lily Tomlin, Ellen DeGeneres, Rosie ODonnell… Mac: Oh, I got a thing for Ellen DeGeneres though. I do, I have to admit it. I think she’s great, I think she’s hot. Great ass. Check it out.

Vacation calls….Happy Wife…Happy Life

Every Good Lesbian…

Yes I Am
Yes I Am (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A shot in the dark I woke up to find
You had broke all the rules
And you changed your mind
Didn’t I love you good
Didn’t I love you right
Then tell me where are you going
Dressed to kill tonight
Oh this one’s gonna hurt like hell

Answer my prayer and answer the phone
Think twice about it honey
Turn around and come on home
Lover stop lover don’t
Lover stop

Terrorist Captured

Lover lover please

It’s the same old tune
I have sung before
It’s the same old game
It’s just a different score
If there was just one thing

I could call my own
It would be your love
That’s sinking like a stone
Oh this one’s gonna hurt like hell

And they hold you like I want to
And they give you what I want to
And they take it like I want to
And they make it and they break it
Why must you reject me
Why can’t you protect me

There is one or several…I forgot which. No matter, there is an unwritten, not spoken about in large lesbian lingo mixed company, rules of thumb!
Never, ever, never, ever speak poorly of Ellen DeGeneres or Melissa Etheridge to others even if you are being water tortured at a Lollapalooza music fest.
Honestly, I’ve never been one to abide by rainbow rules and I have to get something off my not so voluptuous chest. Ellen is no longer funny! She lost me between the whole white girls can’t dance routine and stumping for JC Penny.
I let that be for now.
Melissa Etheridge? Great gal from Missouri. Can play a six string guitar like nobody’s business. That being said, I have one request:
Melissa, stop with the angry lesbian breakup stories.

Take the song, Lover Please…
Maybe it’s just me but if I saw my partner going out dressed to kill at night she better bring a credit card for the nearest Hotel 6 or Bate’s motel.
Needless to say, after said fictional lover went out to paint the town rainbow and doesn’t have the decentcy to answer the phone…she’d better pack her cat up with her and her grandmother’s needle point of an overly stuffed rendition of a Calico Cat on Crack.
As far as I know, there are  do’s and don’t in any relationship. Way before a sinking feeling happens and the shit literally hits the fan, I would hope any good lesbian has the know how to get out while the getting’s good.

Bring Me Some Water

Ellen Degeneres & Rusty At The Prom

Tonight I feel so weak
But all in love is fair
I turn the other cheek
And I feel the slap and the sting of the foul night air
And I know you’re only human
And I haven’t got talking room
But tonight while I’m making excuses
Some other woman is making love to you

Somebody bring me some water
Can’t you see I’m burning alive
Can’t you see my baby’s got another lover
I don’t know how I’m gonna survive
Somebody bring me some water
Can’t you see it’s out of control
Baby’s got my heart and my baby’s got my mind
But tonight the sweet Devil‘s got my soul

When will this aching pass
When will this night be through
I want to hear the breaking glass
I only feel the steel of the red hot truth
And I’d do anything to get it out of my mind
I need some insanity that temporary kind
Tell me how will I ever be the same
When I know that woman is whispering your name

Somebody bring me some water
Can’t you see I’m burning alive
Can’t you see my baby’s got another lover
I don’t know how I’m gonna survive
Somebody bring me some water
Can’t you see it’s out of control
Baby’s got my heart and my baby’s got my mind
But tonight the sweet Devil’s got my soul

Oh, the Devil’s got my soul

Somebody bring me some water
Can’t you see I’m burning alive
Can’t you see my baby’s got another lover
I don’t know how I’m gonna survive
Somebody bring me some water
Can’t you see it’s out of control
Baby’s got my heart and my baby’s got my mind
But tonight the sweet Devil’s got my soul

Okay, so now we not only have said girlfriend going out in knock me down fuck me boots but we know point of fact…someone else is making love to her and we are at home with a carton of Riunite Red and a carton of Marlboro Reds.
Melissa has single handedly brought about a new musical genre, Angry Lesbian Leftover tunes.
I’ve seen Melissa recently, somewhere, probably on a Carnival Cruise with Rosie O’Donnell. She is aging like a bad case of chronic herpes.
Probably just me for my lyrical version of a love life is more akin to Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover, however, get your big girl panties on Melissa. Stop your bitchin’. It’s no wonder you can’t seem to hold on to a partner, they’ve probably heard all your songs and decided:
NO amount of money in the world is worth a lifetime of breaking glass and temporary insanity!