Take long morning walks.
One sided talks.
it is not the toll of death…that bring forth the tears.
the let’s make pretend and forget…years.
Why is it the fractured limb…seems always the last to fall?
Why is it the large than life…pray on the smaller than small?
This life of…walking and rolling with the punches…
This feel of…your self motivating guilt…has lost it’s usefulness.
I can no longer take hand me down trips.
I may have been bred sick.
But I can choose to not live in your illness.
That is my prayer…as your god is my witness.
You do not do, you do not do
Any more, black shoe
In which I have lived like a foot
For thirty years, poor and white,
Barely daring to breathe or Achoo.
Daddy, I have had to kill you.
You died before I had time——
Marble-heavy, a bag full of God,
Ghastly statue with one gray toe
Big as a Frisco seal
And a head in the freakish Atlantic
Where it pours bean green over blue
In the waters off beautiful Nauset.
I used to pray to recover you.
In the German tongue, in the Polish town
Scraped flat by the roller
Of wars, wars, wars.
But the name of the town is common.
My Polack friend
Says there are a dozen or two.
So I never could tell where you
Put your foot, your root,
I never could talk to you.
The tongue stuck in my jaw.
It stuck in a barb wire snare.
Ich, ich, ich, ich,
I could hardly speak.
I thought every German was you.
And the language obscene
An engine, an engine
Chuffing me off like a Jew.
A Jew to Dachau, Auschwitz, Belsen.
I began to talk like a Jew.
I think I may well be a Jew.
The snows of the Tyrol, the clear beer of Vienna
Are not very pure or true.
With my gipsy ancestress and my weird luck
And my Taroc pack and my Taroc pack
I may be a bit of a Jew.
I have always been scared of you,
With your Luftwaffe, your gobbledygoo.
And your neat mustache
And your Aryan eye, bright blue.
Panzer-man, panzer-man, O You——
Not God but a swastika
So black no sky could squeak through.
Every woman adores a Fascist,
The boot in the face, the brute
Brute heart of a brute like you.
You stand at the blackboard, daddy,
In the picture I have of you,
A cleft in your chin instead of your foot
But no less a devil for that, no not
Any less the black man who
Bit my pretty red heart in two.
I was ten when they buried you.
At twenty I tried to die
And get back, back, back to you.
I thought even the bones would do.
But they pulled me out of the sack,
And they stuck me together with glue.
And then I knew what to do.
I made a model of you,
A man in black with a Meinkampf look
And a love of the rack and the screw.
And I said I do, I do.
So daddy, I’m finally through.
The black telephone’s off at the root,
The voices just can’t worm through.
If I’ve killed one man, I’ve killed two——
The vampire who said he was you
And drank my blood for a year,
Seven years, if you want to know.
Daddy, you can lie back now.
There’s a stake in your fat black heart
And the villagers never liked you.
They are dancing and stamping on you.
They always knew it was you.
Daddy, daddy, you bastard, I’m through.
I knew I had the opportunity to be like him…willing to sink others so I could swim
When adrift in the vision would become static and differed
There stood feelings of shaken roots and birch trees twisted and stirred
Soon all became dusted with rust and more and more obscured
Being safe among and within four walls left me hanging on ragged noose
complicit but loose
Beating back indifference by way of my own blood
Compiling foundations of steady mistrust on top of ‘what is love’
I know I am different from him
I have walked the needled path daily with one leg falling behind
Alert to the triggers of his vanity weaving in and out of my mind
These trials of worthiness,
remarkable or not…
are plain as day…nonetheless.
If it were a drug the shaking less intense.
Feelings like a neglectful owner to common sense.
Normally a good runaway…would be
Yet, the sneakers have gone since I put the blotter away.
Flashbacks of embryos on the floor.
With hatred always wanting more.
Pictures of sepia images bought with the beat of a leather strap.
All and none of the above, correct answers.
With the questions being all wrong…
a fifty year old swan song.
I didn’t know if I would find him
I didn’t know if I cared
I knew for certain…
Pain would greet me there.
Prone on ice
Fallen to antiquity
Lacking in grace.
Tis’ an ache to country in the bones.
Choked up on pity
Suffocated by your misery
A family of tabloids
Yesterday’s yearbook in upon sepia’s thunder.
Not one for paying heed to the road taken.
is one small step…
in an embattled recovery.
House of blues
country in the soul?
Just a circus of faithless fools
Just a carnival of soundless minds.
…on a back road
…on a back road.
Can’t be if we just are