family ties

Aunt Sue,

“So, what have you been up to?  Are you working?”

Sue knows damn well my wife is disabled.  And, though she works more than 8 hours a day keeping our family of four legged children…fed, watered, cleaned, vaccinated, etc.  Aunt Sue insists on starting every conversation with…

“Where are you working?”

…

Megan (my wife)

“I’ve started handing out clean needles at the homeless camp down by the river.  Unfortunately, on my way back from the woods the other day.  I had mistakenly stabbed myself with a used syringe.  And, now I have a mysterious cough…The doctor is running tests but everything is still up in the air!”

…

That was it!  End of story.  Aunt Sue, the republican, AARP Zumba Instructor and vocal advocate for spending more money than you have…left the conversation.  In a big hurry!

Six Ways to Escape Unnecessary Conversations during the Holidays:

• Use irresponsible speech.  Go into the conversation knowing someone’s weak points.  Such as, debating the pro’s and con’s of lesbian sex with the very catholic Sister-In-Law.
• Have a short fuse.  Display quick and severe angry outbursts.
• Cry!
• Speak with a tone that promotes conflict.  “Did you hear that by 2050, the world as we know it, will be uninhabitable?”
• Pop pills with a glass of hard alcohol.
• There is never any ‘true’ forgetting in most families.  Be very stringent about bringing every sorted detail of the family tree…into the conversation.  “So, has Mike been released?  How long will he have to be on the sexual offender’s list?  Is that list something that’s made public?”