PG Insults

My favorite insult minus the ‘swear’…

When was the last time you had sex?

Usually this offered up to an elderly lesbian wearing peds with kittens on them…directing traffic during the fourth of July parade in Provincetown.

Some other ‘digs’ without the potty mouth?

Bless Your Heart – given when someone tries to dress out of their age group

I have neither the time or the crayons to explain this to you

Out that many sperm…you won?

You’re like god spilled a person

You’re a gray sprinkle in the rainbow

You dress like you came from a donation pile

And, my personal favorite…maybe you’d have a better chance with the heterosexuals!

Humping!

A day at the dog park or rural trail can often poise a problem when encountering others with your dog/dogs:

Why does my dog hump? And, how can I get him to knock it the fuck off?

  • Like play fighting, play humping can be a completely normal and acceptable behavior between two dogs as long as it doesn’t upset one of the dogs. Some dogs play hump each other back and forth, and everyone is fine with it. Some dogs simply enjoy humping. Make sure to break it up if one of the dogs seems annoyed by the humping. Training may be useful in decreasing the frequency and intensity of play humping.
  • Sometimes it’s one intact dog humping a spayed or neutered dog. Females hump too, and it may or may not be sexual in nature. When a dog humps objects or people, it might be a form of masturbation. Having your dog neutered or spayed may help with the problem, but be aware that dogs may develop the habit of humping before they’re altered and continue it afterward.
  • Usually, however, dogs aren’t emulating mating behavior when they hump. Nonsexual arousal is more likely to provoke a dog to hump. It’s just a way for the dog to burn off energy or relieve stress. Some dogs bark, some run or jump, and others hump. This is normal for many dogs. If the behavior is frequent, training may help by redirecting your dog to another outlet for its excess energy.
  • Humping could be a sign of a urinary tract infection.
  • Neuter, neuter, neuter! This is a given! We are a lesbian household. Thus, every male has had a pediatric spay.
  • Catch the little shit in the act and shout, stop, down! Behave like the distressed and psychotic parent you are.

**Like that ever works

There are many embarrassing things I do…that I’m sure my dogs, secretly, abhor. Such as, calling them ‘sweetie’ in front of their friends at the dog park. Or, kissing them on the head in public.

My dogs hump! That’s right, I am the proud owner of humpy dogs. And, my own research explains exactly why dogs hump. Hump each other. Hump me. Hump other dogs. Hump strangers. Hump cows.

Dogs hump to get back at us, their so called, best friends.

http://www.aspca.org/pet-care/general-pet-care/low-cost-spayneuter-programs

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

Why Do Cats Bite?

Here are the scientific reasons:

  • they are in pain
  • the are into aggressive play
  • defense and offense
  • love bites and petting

Now those are some obscure scientist’s life long research thoughts. Research done with data, one on one observation and number crunching. All of which is just wonderful and nice. However, these scientists never owned a cat and does not wish to add personal thoughts.

I am not a scientist. I went to a liberal arts college. I have owned cats (or, I should say, they have owned me) for many, many, years. Here are my thoughts on why kittens and cats bite:

  • Cats bite us because we are intrusive.
  • Cats lash out at their one true love, the human, because the shitter is not immaculate.
  • Cats secretly sharpen their fangs at night…while we are asleep…for the simple reason…they want the upper hand.
  • Cats lash out when we poke the puppy ( a saying from my house of woes.)

Poking the puppy is a blanket term. To poke the puppy/cat/kitten…

The human witnesses their animal friend, sleeping, snoring, casually chasing a headless chipmunk. The human is so overwhelmed with the feline’s cuteness. So transfixed are the two legged buffoons. So in awe at the one and only chance to ‘spaz’ the cat out…the human lashes out…poking the cat in the belly.

Let us be honest here. Poking the puppy and/or cat is similar to Pavlov’s dog. A piece of sweetness is dangled in front of us. It is furry and purring and being the Cat god they are. Alas, the human will go back every time for a ‘poking’ because the untold results are just too adorable to pass up!

Thoughts on Happiness

I walked over and looked closer at the statue of the goddess. She was wearing a headdress with a skull and a cobra and a crescent moon. Maybe this is what peace of mind was all about: having a poisonous snake on your head and smiling anyway.

Wally Lamb

Accept what people offer. Drink their milkshakes. Take their love.

Wally Lamb

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

Erma Bombeck

In two decades I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Erma Bombeck

It is better to be small, colorful, sexy, careless, and peaceful..

Tom Robbins

In the end, perhaps we should simply imagine a joke; a long joke that’s continually retold in an accent too thick and strange to ever be completely understood. Life is that joke my friends. The soul is the punch line.

Tom Robbins

the Elephant in the Room

Laugh, I tell you
And you will turn back
The hands of time.
Smile, I tell you
And you will reflect
The face of the divine.
Sing, I tell you
And all the angels will sing with you!
Cry, I tell you
And the reflections found in your pool of tears –
Will remind you of the lessons of today and yesterday
To guide you through the fears of tomorrow

##Suzy Kassem