the Angry Lesbian: editorial edition

We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.
We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.

The following is a true story:

As the day drew to an agonizing end…that is, I had finished walking the dogs x 2, walking parent’s dog x 1, blowing the leaves in their ‘country’ setting home, picking up their trash…

That I later take to my town dump, pick threw it and conquer and divide, materials…recycling, reuse, repugnant!

At the end of the end of my day…a call,

You’ll never believe what I just did

Rather than agonizing you the reader with blow by blow description of said phone call.  One that I took illegally…as I had been driving.

I will tell you the truth as I know it.  And, as I also know, my spouse has long since given up reading my blog and, therefore, I will not be found out!

My life’s partner…my best friend with strange benefits…threw out the stove burners.  Not the covers, that we had just replaced.  Not the inserts that ensure no particles fall into crevices of the great beyond.  Which, by the way, were just recently purchased.

She tossed the actually one and only parts that allow for cooking on a stove-top!

She did however, bake cupcakes, in between…said demise!

Bear with me…I have taken pain killers an am prone to rants and off the cuff remarks…currently.

My spouse, bless her domesticated soul, has begun taking the big marital step called, ‘cooking’.

Some of us can do it.  And, for some of us, it is like getting a license at the age of 30.  We should just have thrown that particular towel in and taken cabs for the rest of our lives.

I think there should be an Angry Lesbian beer.  Yup, that was my thought, after hanging up the phone and attempting to process the how, what and/or wtf, of my partner’s need to clean the stove so thoroughly, parts and particles get tossed out in the mayhem.

This Angry Lesbian beer should be the following:

I don’t ever want to drink again
I just, oh, I just need a friend

Read more: Amy Winehouse – Rehab Lyrics 

Edgy

Coarse

with

a touch of anti-freeze,

as an all natural sweetener.

The anti freeze should not be enough to kill.  Just enough to deter.

The Angry Lesbian beer should smell like patchouli.  Being dark in nature, somewhat nutty!

Which by the way?  What on earth do we refer to the male privates as a pair of ‘nuts’?  It has been awhile but I am sure things haven’t changed that much.  Those ugly things look nothing like any nut I have put in my mouth!

You will soon see how this may or may not go together.

Upon arriving home…

Instead of, I’m sorry.  I don’t know what I was thinking.  Too bad it was dump day!

I got

‘Boy, you handled that much better than you used to!’

This is where the Angry Beer comes in.  This is where the ‘I hate myself for loving you..’

comes in!

This is where the guilty lesbian…you guessed it, comes in!

I get the leaving on tampon in the box routine…that is typical of a married lesbian couple.

I get the using the last razor…without buying new ones, situation that I sometimes find myself in.

I even understand

‘I haven’t had a chance to wear that shirt yet!  Please don’t get anything on it!  You know how messy you can be!’

Of course, no one goes out of their way to soil themselves.  Unless they are in a home for stupid people.  And, that fuckin’ shirt had been hanging in the closet for 3 months.  And, that fuckin’ shirt, had been mine originally, I just let her believe she bought it!

We had been asked once by the girlfriend of my spouse’s father…who happens to be very correct and very in tune with strife.  She is a family lawyer!

‘So, will you refer to Megan as, your spouse, your partner or your wife?’

This a question given to me after the combining of one Irish family with another Irish family and making one big Fat Lesbian Wedding!

My first thought than.  My one thought now.  WTF?  Does that really matter?  Most of the time…I just nod in her direction!

I have never been politically correct and I suppose, it is too late to start now!

What gives with the mythology of the Angry Lesbian?

I hate to tell the world.  Only Melissa Etheridge and the Indigo Girls are really angry for no apparent reason.  The rest of us…have plenty of Lifetime movie moments, true and sincere, to which there should be some righteous anger!

In ending, the ‘I Hate Myself for Loving You’ story?  The other time where the need to make an Angry Lesbian beer…came to mind?

After having driven all day and all night just to get from New Hampshire to some alley way in Baltimore;

“I wanna walk but I run back to you…I hate myself for loving you…”

Came banging on the MP3 player.  Jokingly, I said, “I love this song!  It reminds me of you.  Kind of a twisted love song!”

The rest of the journey?  Silent!  All 1100 miles of it.

Someone please invent an

Angry Lesbian beer!

The price for burner inserts?  For a stove that was a double for the stove on the set of the Brady Bunch?  Approximately, $32.00 x four!

Dollar value for love?  Priceless!

Can't break free from the things that you do!
Can’t break free from the things that you do!

Canine Home Companion: Bad Dog!

Let Me Be the Friend U Expect of Me
Let Me Be the Friend U Expect of Me

Canine Home Companion: Bad Dog

bad dog 1
‘I said, what I mean and, I mean what I said…a dog’s faithful…one hundred percent!’ -RandomwordbyRuth

\

As I have done for years now, I started today, mindful, meaningful, less judgemental and with a sort of…renewed purpose.

As I have done for years now, I started my morning meditation shuffling my way down a lovely fall leaf lane…destination?  Morrill Pond!

As I have done for years now, I began my inner chant with such words as; serenity, faith, better person and so on.

Alas, I have also acquired a fairly new technique…shouting at the time of my smoke filled lungs

‘What the fuck is that?’

Course, I am typically in the wilderness and do not condone animal abuse.  Yet, I find my inner sanctum dotted with bad thoughts about my dogs!

I cherish these moments as I am a suffering Buddhist.  Suffering?  Yes, indeed, for now matter how I try, my spirituality is the art of progress not perfection.

Therefore, I must impress upon possible canine do-gooders, Ma and Pa’’s adoptees to the four legged beast of my burdern, use with caution when it comes to the ten most disgusting things you will ever have to witness in your whole entire life!

Sure it seems to the innocent bystander;

‘He’s adorable!  I’ve been thinking of adopting a dog at the local shelter.  Do you recommend a particular breed?’

bad dog

##RandomRuthResponse?

‘Are you insane?  Don’t you want kids?  Are you aware that that dog you just made out with…a stranger’s dog by the way, ate a pile of unmentionable in mixed company discarded of unknown origin items off a city street!’

I digress.  If those droppy brown eyes and frothy mugs are what you aiming to take under your wing…

!0 Most Disgusting ,Vomit in your Mouth, bad dog!  Behaviors and/or predisposition

  • Randomly we will be taking a long and luxurious stroll down by the river.  A little class 6 road that has gone ‘unawares’ to many…other than hunters!  Recently, proud as a peacock my dog came bounding out of the deep forest with a side of leftover deer.  Looked to me as though it were perhaps, the small intestine and the large intestine together.  
  • Fortunately for my small family…too much is never enough.  Therefore, my partner convinced me that taking in a semi feral kitten would leave a very large impact on do-gooder status.  Problem is…with kitten comes the occasional ‘bad reaction’ to new found dry food.  Fortunately, for us, that kitten and it’s questionable bottom will remain immaculately clean for the life of the dog.  
  • Along with the above mentioned need for a dog to find the grossest thing in the house…and make it ‘tip the shit scale’ worse…comes the tongue!  I have adopted one dog who was once abused by a man in a hat!  Not sure what man…not sure what kind of hat.  I am sure that she does not give kisses.  She!  Does not scare me.  I have another dog, who was not abused, though I threaten to on occasion, and he will lick you to the point of needing to light a cigarette afterwards and ask

‘Was it good for you?’

Friends 'til the end...no matter which end it is!
Friends ’til the end…no matter which end it is!

           

Needless to say, that mouth is well traveled and recently performed an in depth examination of my kitten’s bowel tract!

  1.  The pedigree dog?  Course we are not all saints of the ‘not sure where they came from’ animal shelter.  Some prefer the hybrid dog.  Fancy, snipped and tucked in all the right places, etc.  Too bad rich people!  A dog is a dog is a dog.  My mother owns something called a, Smooth Fox Terrier (WTF kind of dog is that) has poison breath.  It is built in.  She comes by it naturally.  Sour as a dirty diaper sitting in a snow bank for 3 months and then thawing for 2 more!
  2.  That shit roll!?  I do not know how many times but there have more than I like to brag about…How many times I’ve bought my bottle of ‘they used this stuff in the gulf oil spill’ Dawn, a ratty towel, plastic shorts, a babushka and my two dogs, down to the local watering myself hole.  Without fail, as we enjoy the beauty of the day, say our thanks to the Goddess and make our way back to the car…one dog will go missing.  And, if one dog goes…the other is sure to follow.  After many threats to un-adopt them and/or ‘you wait ‘til I tell your mother’…a dog than the other, will appear.  Nasty, stained and skid marked by someone else’s droppings.  I will never understand how dogs mark their territory to scares other critters away.  While simutameously doing the dirty with a pile of shit that has sat baking in the sun for forty days and forty nights.  This behavior is done so the dog will be disguised.  That by covering themselves in feces…no one will know, my two stooges had been anywhere near the scene of the crime.  WTF?  First, they want others to know where they are!  Than they don’t!  Talk ‘bout paranoid!
  3.  Okay, I’m going to lay it on the line.  Do not ever adopt a cat and a dog together.  Or, separately, for that matter, if they still happen to live in the same house at the same time.  Never put yourself thru the hassle of ‘the dog is diggin’ for turds again!  Conversation with your partner, lover and/or soon to be gone, friend.  Supposedly, kitty turds are filled with protein and carbs and assorted goodies.  Think twice, don’t be nice, that dog’s mouth smells like shoes from the days before Christ!
  4. Humping?!  Really?  We are lesbians and as such, if anything swings between the legs, it goes directly to the Vet before entering our house.  
  5.  Licking the pecker!  Making nice nice with the doggie vagina!  Stop it, stop it, stop it, just fuckin’ stop it!  With the television up loud, Whitesnake cranked on the MP3 and a construction site next door…All I can hear?

‘SSSzzzz, slurp, slurp, whistle between the teeth, hhmmm, slurp!’

I love my dogs!!!  Don’t get me wrong.  I have even thought of going it alone.  Meditation, spirituality, Zen and Me…out in the woods.  Than I think, ‘the dogs are parts of my Higher Power.  And, it wouldn’t be right to go it alone without props!’

Let Me Be the Friend U Expect of Me
Let Me Be the Friend U Expect of Me

the Silver Sedan

In marriage, there is always a healthy bond between...if something's not right...it's wrong!
In marriage, there is always a healthy bond between…if something’s not right…it’s wrong!

Sweetheart,

I saw a silver four door. I had hoped it was you. After all, Mother Nature and her stormy weather had left me feeling unglued. It was in a dream. Or, so, I thought! The silver four door…the flooding…the lightening…the bad karma spider web in which I found myself caught.the silver sedan 3

Typically, my style has always been to battle back. My mother always said, child, ‘it is common sense that you lack.’ But after forty days and forty nights of rain. I am left adrift on a float of bad weather. With only myself to blame.

Noah came by the other day. With a boat and a pole and a dog. He’d asked if I had planned on a long stay. I took time from wringing out my Camo shorts. I turned to the big fella and said,

‘My love has left me as though it were just a sport!’the silver sedan 4

Around day twenty-two, the sun had left for Canada. It took the dog. The flower bed. The sleeping bag. It even took the ‘do not remove’ pillow tags. It left me alone and lonely…thinking a country and western song was the least I could give you.

So Sweetheart, in your silver sedan. I’ve made us some big plans. Putting aside the things you did wrong. Putting to bed a tent filled with long ponds. All this aside, here by the lake, I dreamed of you and your four door….I’ve forgiven your mistake.

Accidentally Yours-

Ruththe silver sedan 6

P.S.

Monsoon’s are not half as fun when you are up a creek with out a paddle!

Bad Habit # 28: the neurotic dog

bad habit # 28

Somewhere, New Hampshire

07-13-2015

  • A female naturalist takes belt off to tether her unruly dog-
  • out of fear of citation for dog at large.
  • Gets ticket for indecent exposure instead!

‘…when you are strange, everyone remembers your name!’

-Randomwordbyruth

Stella and I

A cat will be your friend forever...as long as, you believe in one sided relationships.
A cat will be your friend forever…as long as, you believe in one sided relationships.

I wait for you by drudged day

by narrow minded night.

I sit on your pampered pedigree

with haggard plight.

Ass Up...Everybody!
Ass Up…Everybody!

Though to your guest

I am your best kept secret

best kept…

out of sight.

The shrink says,

‘let her go’

The priest beckons,

fancied feast are gluttonous

and

polished furs are confessions for down below.

Yet,

I sit,

I’ve sat,

and

I pat.

I hold your every gaze.

Still to you

I am nothing but a human slave…

humility’s two legged mistake.

chop