How to talk to your Parents about their phone

The stranger had just barely pulled into what is most commonly known as; Cumby’s.  An all you could ever want in your Iced Coffee and public bathroom, little chain of conviences store filled with the occassional english speaking customer service employees. These little calls from a slice of senior living came more often than snowfall on a sunken in New Hampshire roof.

Senior to stranger: Can you hear me?  Shut up, Harold.  No, I don’t hear her.  The phone rang but I can’t hear anything!

the Stranger: Is that you again playing with the phone?  Are you alright?  We’ve been trying to call you.  What is that noise in the background?  I hear screaming and a strange voice… Have you fallen?  Is he there with you?  For Christ sake what is going on?

Senior Missing in Action: Harold, I said, shut up!  No, I’m not alright.  I keep calling her but she isn’t picking up! I can’t be late again for the doctors!

Strange to be a Stranger: I’m calling EMS!  Is anyone with you?  Are you having a spell. Hang up the phone for fuck sake so I can call you back!

the Stranger had so often begged of the Seniors going through a second childhood; please just let me know where you are going and please just answer the phone when I call. The typical response?  ‘Well, you don’t always ask us to call back.’ Four phones and no one is home.  Do not.  I repeat.  Do not believe for a second that aging parents are capable of using common sense when it comes to gadgets and phones and near misses with spells, falls, incidents, miscues and/or poorly designed ways to communicate. Their phones maybe tech savvy but the owners aren’t!

I JUST CALLED TO SAY, WHERE ARE YOU-

No, new medications to celebrate

No, Xanax to give away

No, first Ipad to miscommunicate

No, fancy apps to improve upon your constantly being late

In fact, sometimes you forget the year, day and date

No, April Fools

No, AARP simpleton phone

No, I’ve fallen and can’t get up during a full moon

But what this is is something brand new made up of these four words I must say to you-

I just called to say, pick up the phone!

I just called to say, I don’t if you have GPS

I just called to say, pick up the phone

And, I mean it from the bottom of my heart

No, summer’s vacation where Verizon doesn’t go

No, devasatating dropped call without at least a first hello

No, doctor’s visit missed within the month of bad spells

No what a pretty tune to download

No bullshit lack of communication shipped over the airwaves by the boatload

No not even time to check the weather channel before you go

No on our way to church

No where does the time go

No giving thanks by e-card

But what it is something even senior parents can do: to fill my heart like no other  words can do- ‘the phone is turned on!’

Now there is something new

You Can’t Make This Shit UP!

English: Strawberry-flavored Pop Rocks candy.
English: Strawberry-flavored Pop Rocks candy. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today, while I was at work, my sister stole my iPad and tested to see if it can survive a thirty foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My apple ipad is now broken and she has 83 views. I know this is entirely off topic but I had to share it with someone!

English: A worn, black leather belt with buckle.
English: A worn, black leather belt with buckle. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thirty some odd years ago…my sister who had been given the key to the village of weirdness that stemmed from my younger frame…of course, only when domineering catholic parents were out at play.
Well, my sister who felt it best to rule with an iron fist than to candy coat with Pop Rocks had decided that disciplining my unruly drunken 10 year old behavior with a good spanking of said, leather belt bought but not used to holding up pants, would be the only way to right the wrong. With all the grace that we later discovered she did not have the words of parental control sprang from her lips like the tiny third world wanna be leader she was.

"Sisters are doin' it for themselves
Sisters are doin’ it for themselves

‘This is gonna hurt me more than it’s gonna hurt you but it has to be done…Drop ’em!’

With one swoop of athleticism found only by blind persons playing dodge ball, the big brass buckle fell upon my head not my ass and it was of metal not of leather.
Bleeding from head to toe…lesson learned? Never leave a fool at heart in charge of the card game you will loose every time.

“Sisters are doin’ it for themselves”

Now there was a time when they used to  say-

That behind every great  man there had to be a great woman

Now in these times of  change, you know that it’s no longer true

So we’re comin’ out of the kitchen’Cause there’s somethin’  we forgot to say to you
We said,  “Sisters are doin’ it for themselves”

Standin’  on their own two feet and ringin’ on  their own bells

We said, “Sisters  are doin’ it for themselves”
Now this is a song to celebrate the  conscious liberation of the female state.  Mothers,  daughters and their daughters too, oh yeah, woman  to woman, we’re singin’ with you
The  inferior sex has got a new exterior we got doctors, lawyers, politicians too

Everybody, take a look around can  you see, can you see? Can you see  there’s a woman right next to you?
We  said, “Sisters are doin’ it for themselves,”

oh yes we are standin’ on their own two feet and  ringin’ on their own bells,  Sisters  are doin’ it for themselves
Now  we ain’t makin’ stories and we ain’t layin’ plans.

Don’t you know that a man still loves a woman when a woman still loves a man?Just  a same though
Sisters are doin’  it for themselves.