a Poor Person’s Guide to Earth day

Earth Day for the Poor

-Gather the few you know!  Poverty requires a small social circle…as you do not have any friends.  Having ‘many’ pals means buying the first round.  Obviously, this does not happen much.  Place your dog and your cat in a circular rock garden.  Practice stretching.  That is it.  Just enjoy the relaxing nature of the…rock.

-Take a ride on your moped.  Make sure to pack plenty of biodegradable shopping bags.  Stop at every free pile that you took note of…from the weekly installment of…The Weekly Flea (a free publication from the free Masons!)

-Make a, Earth Day resolution.  Screw trying to fit into the second hand bikini with a low budget diet!  Offer instead to jot down eco-minded ideas.  A procrastinator’s journal that is.  Bound to depress you the whole year through.

-Perform a ‘spring’ cleaning on the cat’s litter-box.

**Please remember to use earth friendly products such as, extra elbow grease, fingernails and hemp!

 

-Instead of just tossing out old vibrators or used porn tapes.  Host a neighborhood swap!

– Get crafty!  Hand knit those cat sweaters with fabric from St. Vincent De Paul’s senior run…thrift store.

-Get dirty.  Plant some ‘banana kush, jack flash or golden goat.’

-At some point, you should donate unwanted items such as; over chewed dog toys, half eaten pastas from a broken box, the six pack of Near Beer…given to you from last x-mas.

-Reflect, reflect, reflect, reflect on your duct taped Doc Marten…footprint.  Church is still, semi free.  No need for folding money and you are promised a warm seat…at least for an hour

-Enjoy a book.  Perhaps, a book written by your favorite blogger…RandomWordbyRuth.  If that is not handy…Big John’s bathroom reader will do.

 

Applying for Ganja

Pot Smoker Needed:

20-stoner-canon.w512.h600.2x
Marijuana is fuel for a creative mind. Fuck this prohibition. -a.k. kuykendall

The D.E.A., is currently receiving applications for the above mentioned job.  Please note below job requirements –

-Persons must be able to lift a minimum of an ounce

-Persons should have no known allergies to Saran Wrap baggies

-Persons should be able to hold their breath for at least…10 seconds

-Persons should be acquainted with a variety of lighters

i.e. Mini Bics, wooden Matches, gas stove tops

-Persons should be willing to eat two half gallons of Heavenly Hash and 5 Super Sim Jim’s within a half an hour

**Felons may apply:  As most of America’s petty pot growers/smokers, are in jail or have been at one time or another

***Overtime is required as the worker may, for prolonged periods of time, forget what they were are supposed to do next

DEA looking for a Houston contractor who can burn Thousands of pounds of pot

The contractor must be able to burn at 1,000 pounds of marijuana per hour and for a minimum of eight consecutive hours per day.

HOUSTON — The Drug Enforcement Agency has been flooded with phone calls since we first reported they are looking for a Houston-area contractor to burn pot and other seized drugs.

There are special requirements for the job. The contractor must be able to incinerate various items like papers, cassette tapes, bulk marijuana, pharmaceuticals, and other incidental controlled substances.

he contractor must be able to burn at 1,000 pounds of marijuana per hour and for a minimum of eight consecutive hours per day.

While the contractor will need to do their own background checks and drug tests, the DEA says they reserve the right to conduct their own background check on the contractor’s personnel.

The DEA also requires that the contractor have their own closed-circuit cameras, and they observe the right to access the video to make sure the evidence is being properly destroyed.

Help from a Gen X-er

Me?  Generation X…and, damned proud of it.

In case you were curious…this definition, pretty much sums up myself and many of those around us.

considered laid back

prone to psychological disorders

beaten by their parents

disaffected

and166010-004-85450b84

without any real direction.

However, that does not mean, I, WE the X’s, do not care about the world at large.  However, however, I, WE the X’s, never really had to deal with war…other than at home.

Because I care.  Because #45 is more of an ass than I ever was drinking.  Because that little guy over in North Korea is the world’s largest walking S.T.D.  Because the threat of nuclear attack being as critical today…as during the cold war.

Because, because, because of the wonderful things an Nuclear Blast does!

A list of Do’s and Don’t During A Nuclear Attack had been made –

If alive…walk about a mile.  Do not go any further…because you wouldn’t be able to anyway.

  • Find a city.  If you live in rural New Hampshire like I do.  Well, S.O.L Sisters and Brothers.  Find a barn or an underground outhouse.
  • Attend a lecture.  Why?  I am uncertain.  But in the 50’s…it had been a suggestion!
  • Seek shelter!  Your ass is following off.  And, you must sew it back with thread doused in radiation.
  • Wait!  Believe or not, and this is our good luck!  That pesky death-ridden dust rots quickly!

If unable to move, run, stay calm…

vintage-tips-7-0810-1200x891
A family modeling radiation protection suits made by Civil Defence Supply, a family mail order business which can supply everything you need to survive a nuclear attack, including packets of instant meals and protective suits complete with radiation filters, date unknown. (Hulton-Deutsch Collection/CORBIS/Corbis via Getty Images)
  • Duck and Cover goddamn it!
  • Hide!  But if you were never good at Hide and Seek…cover your head.  That’s just as good as, a table or couch, anyway!
  • Keep your fuckin’ eyes shut!  Who wants to see the carnage anyway?
  • Buy a can opener.  That is if you can find a store open during the doomsday chaos.  Before I had been kicked out of the Girl Scouts…metal can openers, were all the rage.  can-opener.jpg
  • Ring a Helpline or Hotline!  Now I did some checking on this and found only two legit phone numbers.  And, I am not allowed to share that information.

Now this is very, very, important…Smile!  What is the worse that can happen…after having just been in a nuclear attack?  My suggestion would be…before all this happens.  Back when you and your loved ones are gathered around the radio.  Listening for updates about the two dictators.  Find yourself a cedar cigar box.  Gather all the pot!  The stuff under the couch cushions.  The little baggies you left hidden in the car’s ashtray!  The ashtray you never use.

Scrape resin, dig out those pipes and put your stash in the cedar box.  Put it in the box and wrap it with ducttape.  Wrap it ten times around.  If you can’t duct it.  Fuck it!  Never let go of that box.

You, I, Us, will need a good high when all this shit is done!

 

What is Hemp Good For?

What is hemp good for?  Absolutely, or almost, everything.  

Many colonists during the 18th century.  Tired, quiet, industrious, farmers…did not have the same quarrel over weed, hemp, etc., and it’s benefits.  As we do today.  To them smoking a bone held little light over the benefits of hemp.  From clothing to food to armor and lastly, a good buzz: growing hemp had been the meal ticket for many.

When we ever learn nothing lasts.  Nothing that is unless it is of the earth.

Today and Hemp?

Plastics can be replaced with bio-plastics – hemp

Fuel with bio-fuel – hemp

sunscreen

soap

We now have hemp-crete and Hemp Sport’s cars

But my new hemp-improved…favorite?

A pair of rustic, iconic…Levi’s!

enviromentalleader.com
Levi Strauss & Co. has created a new line of clothing made with hemp that “feels just like cotton.” Hemp requires far less water and land in the growing phase and has roughly half the carbon footprint of conventionally grown cotton but has not had wide adoption in the apparel industry because of its coarse feel. Now, however, Levi’s has employed a process developed by fiber technology specialists that softens the hemp, giving it a look and feel that is “almost indistinguishable from cotton,” the company says. The new hemp garments in the Wellthread x Outerknown spring/summer collection include jeans and a trucker jacket. They are made with a 70/30 cotton-to-hemp blend. The hemp, sourced from a rain-fed hemp crop, reduced the water used in fiber cultivation by roughly 30%.

 

Tales from the Bong

Mindfulness Begins at Home

One toke…and, another one set and ready to go.  Mid exhale!  A knock to the off the hinge trailer door.

“Who is it?”imageedit_3_7733415927

No answer arrived.  Just a chill reminding me of my father’s work-boots climbing cement steps.

In between a puff, a gag and all consuming red eyes…

Mindfulness ambled in wearing rainbow pride.

He asked if I had stopped by the free pile?  You know the one.  The one at the town dump.  He told me…a fortune of awareness sat there.  Sat there in a floral, funeral urn.  He seemed to think carrying the ‘awareness’ jug on this day, was my turn.

Confused and disoriented and slightly stoned…

I stuttered, “Leaving yesterday morning with icicles hanging from the short hairs…  I had been given the message from the Goddess…you must go.”

So, I went to the old beater, duct taped the hood, hopped in, stepped into a pile of snow.  Just a little hiccup with the broken windows and the direction of the wind that blows.

Mr. Mindfulness appeared quite bewildered.  Scratching his dread lock wig…I could see he saw me as, half baked.

“Look”, I said.imageedit__5544031091

“Its like this.  I got to Easy street and Pay It Forward square.  I don’t remember ever seeing a four way stop there.  ‘Truckin’ came on the FM.  You know the verse:”

Most of the cats that you meet on the streets speak of true love,
Most of the time they’re sittin’ and cryin’ at home.
One of these days they know they better get goin’
Out of the door and down on the streets all alone.

Enjoying the windchill of 30 below.  Admiring the workings of signs and what they mean to say.

I turned straight around.  Chanting ‘be thoughtful of others and try to always be kind.’  And, then I thought…just for today; I’m going back for another toke.  And, today I would be mindful of my mind.

 

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