Visceral Demons

What a visceral demon!

He steals across a window’s view.

To rob those listening…blind.

Leaving an illness.

Frank with expression but few words left to define.

I have not seen this renaissance monster.

In quite sometime.imageedit_86_8489258754

Still he always keeps my lover in mind.

For the quieted voices, tucked in a far off place.

For the distant look upon her face.

The monster comes with a gloved hand.

Gesturing away all notions of sympathy.

And, in unguarded moments…redefines true misery.

The kind of which, you cannot touch or see.



Distant Voices, Distant Rooms

Rethink Mental Illness
Rethink Mental Illness (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Distant Voices, Distant Rooms by Ruth Bowley

Distant Voices, Distant Rooms is loosely based on my partner’s many years spent behind the walls of mental institutions. It is factual in the humor that Megan, the main character, holds dear, and in the perseverance of strong women everywhere.
The book talks of a woman’s discovery of life outside of mental institutions. At forty, Megan begins to find that her disability can be her greatest ally, given the right direction. During Megan’s journey through schizophrenia, she will open up to the voices held behind the walls of therapy. Her strong passion for life delves deep into the humor that saves her in the end.

Megan is based on my spouse of eleven years. She has spent twenty-plus years in institutions and thirty-plus years in therapy. Diagnosed with schizophrenia, she deals with multiple voices in her head every second of every hour of every day of her life. She has inspired many to understand that being disabled does not mean you are not whole, and that being incarcerated by mental illness does not mean you cannot overcome.

About the Author

Ruth BowleyRuth Bowley quietly resides with her partner of many years in a small New Hampshire town. It is there that her writing continues to touch on the subject of subjects “not spoken about” in mixed company. She is an advocate for those with mental impairments and the injustices they suffer at the hands of a faulty social service system. She is a freelance writer, works with animals, and plans to begin writing her fourth book.

Breakdowns Come & Breakdowns Go

I <3 Psychosis (less racey wording)
I ❤ Psychosis (less racey wording) (Photo credit: multipletentacles)

A bi-polar moment with love lost and lackluster attempts at holding on.

Most conversations are one sided and unedited as they are taken verbatim from messages from me to me:

So I’m going to Ruggles mine to shoot and stay in the area or so to find new locations if you want to go with me.    It’s up a mountain.  Really need a truck but  I want to take Ed my grandpa’s car, the hand-me-down Malibu, I named it after him.

If a knife would solve my head case I’d use it.  I just need to move out.

For instance, I spent four hundred dollars on a birthday present for my mother.  Broke into the secret stash of money reserved for pizza, fried chicken tender subs and junk food; didn’t matter she hated the ring.

You shouldn’t have paid this much, you shouldn’t have done that, you shouldn’t have asked your father to go in on it.  So on and so forth. 

Bear with me, Mum had me go on birth control so I don’t get pregnant and/or get my period but….it will all change later and I’ll be different. But I’ve been becoming a hormonal bitch as of last night.  Even when it’s not really that time of the month.   It’s like I’m bipolar!

I’m sorry I’m complicated.

Its why most ppl don’t stick around because I change my mind a lot and don’t know what I want, sometimes I can’t even stand being with me.

I’m just saying that all this happened in the period of my worst hormonal stages therefore. Where if something bad happens I have serious mood swings.

And it last 2 weeks.

 I gotta go. Shower time means I smell like shit and have been putting it off for days.

.. We’ll get together if I’m not in the same mood as I am now

Ok. You’ve been warned…I’ve thrown dumb bells before and cut myself up pretty good.

But I’ll text you as to when to meet up tomorrow.   I may over sleep I plan on taking above and beyond the call of duty medication wise.

I’m sorry.

I’m just extremely bipolar right now.

One min I want to see you and then the next I want to throw my fist into the wall again.

Five minutes later, I say this to anyone that will listen or hasn’t given up on the good Ambien Grace,

I like getting people going. I’m an asshole ha-ha…I like’d being with you today, I felt safe.

The moments in the mountains surrounded by granite, endless time and nature’s energy would not last long.  With every step I take into the dirt and every breath I breathe in nature I feel the mania and depression closer than ever and it is seeping in.