OCD and the Land of Misfit Thoughts

Lying, awake, in bed at four in the morning can be a horrible feeling.  It is the ‘stuff’ that songs are written about.

Dark, dismal, alone, bad thoughts…etc.

For those of us with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?  Awake at ungodly hours?  Can lead to cleaning spells, rearranging the sock drawer, smoking weed, watching the Twilight Zone…etc.

Though, I find no humor in the actual context of my diagnosis!  When awake and alert, I do find many of those early morning hour…thoughts, somewhat comical.

Therefore, I have designed a list of OCD and the Land of Misfit Thoughts…when you find yourself with eye’s wide open during predawn hours.

In otherwords, if there is nothing else for you to do…below are some notions you may want to think about!

 

*warning:  I am older than some readers.  Therefore, my list may not pertain to the…young folk!

dusty-1

  • How do we know there are no ‘identical’ snowflakes in the world?  Certainly, we cannot ask them.  And, though I am not scientifically savy, has anyone truly witnessed them all?
  • How many licks does it take to get to the end of the Tootsie Pop?  Without sounding like a pompous ass…Wouldn’t this question rely on how big the tongue is?
  • WTF had Elton John and Bernie Taupin been thinking when they wrote:  Rocket Man.  Sure it sounds like an astronaut going off into space.  Trying to better the world.  Being the ‘big’ provider for his family back home.  Yet, I believe there may be some underlying ‘sexual’ context in the lyrics.

‘She packed my bags last night…

Rocket Man burning out his fuse out here all alone…’

Cut it out.  This screams, I am a gay man alone getting an erection…wanting to not be bothered by all those adoring female fans!

  • Is Richard Pryor still alive?  Well, of course not!  But every couple of years I ask my wife this question…Not because he has moved on to greener pastures! But perhaps, my mind has!
  • Are squirrels suicidal?  Or, do some of them just die of old age out in the middle of the road?   Maybe a heart attack or something.
  • My wife and I have one niece.  And, every year she wants a ‘new American Girl Doll.‘  Give me a fuckin’ break!  The average American Girl costs, $100!  I go over the math in my head, late at night.  What else of importance could be purchased for this amount of money?

You could feed two school aged children in developing countries for a year!

‘I did the math!  It is possible!’

  • My family consists of two sets of two legs.  And, many sets of four legs.  These are my children.  Other than my wife, obviously.  My eldest child?  A hound/shepard mix.  She is getting older.  She is getting lazier.  She seems to only want to…eat, shit and sleep.  Yet, still I wonder…Is she depressed?  I ask friends when they come over…’does she look sad to you?’  I ask myself…’am I doing enough for her.  Or, does she just feel like giving up?’
  • Are the Go-Go’s still on tour?  I hope so.
  • Was Nancy Kulp from the Beverly Hillbillies gay?  Personally, I thought, she and Mrs. B from the Andy Griffith show were pretty cute!

With some research, I could not find much info Mrs. B’s sexual exploits!  However, thanks to Buzz Feed, I found some dirt on Nancy!

imageedit_1_2185116153

What you may not know is that in a 1989 interview she came out to author Boze Hadleigh as a lesbian.

Boze essentially asked Nancy Kulp…Are you a lesbian?  What is your response to fans that have been wondering for years…?

“As long as you reproduce my reply word for word, and the question, you may use it… I’d appreciate it if you’d let me phrase the question.  

There is more than one way. Here’s how I would ask it: ‘Do you think that opposites attract?'”

“My own reply would be that I’m the other sort — I find that birds of a feather flock together.

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How cool is that?

  • Coming to the end of my current list of what keeps me up at night.  There is always a question that preys on my mind…

Is my wife sexually satisfied?  I am a little over fifty years of age.  We have been together almost twenty years…And, a healthy degree of paranoia sets in!  Certainly, ours is an honest relationship…so on occasion I wake her up and ask… the infamous question…

“Are you happy with me in bed?”tom

And, nine times out of ten, she will say…

“Just turn over and take some sinus medication!  Your snoring is killing me!”

Soiling the Air

Most Americans though reportedly obese are indeed very large in size; personally or otherwise.

soiled

The two most incredible sights to behold are:

A large person of color, African American or whatever the going attribute is these days, wearing a over the top large black t-shirt with these words blazed upon it and my memory: ‘Man boobs are sexy!’

*course the lettering had to be…you guessed it: Neon Pink.

Second disturbing visual had been a weekly encounter with a long lost but always around friend/repo man!  Coming in and topping off at nearly 300 pounds, Mike has worn a smile since the day he was born.  He also was seen wearing this piece of paraphernalia:

‘I Beat Anorexia!’

We are all on a Super Sized Not Diet!  And, the worse place to be?  Deer Haven cabin #4!  At  just under sixty dollars a night this little slice of haven-ly heaven north of Woodstock New Hampshire nearly caused the death of one white cynical angry lesbian!

No bigger than a thumbnail had been the stall in which I felt my demise creep up.  One ounce of bad timing and bad bathroom foreplay and soapy water left it’s mark on me.  Sprawled out on the bathroom floor, half in and half out into the living quarters.  Ass up and obscurely naked this revelation occurred to the vacancy mind set in my head: How does one die in a small bathroom?

1. Number four in home grown fatalities is…slipping on a bar of discarded soap in the tub!

2. Listening to a digital rendition of Sylvia Plath‘s the Bell Jar while taking a depressing bath.

3. Most feared way to die?  Ask Elvis!  Taking a moment to one’s self while on several prescribed and not prescribed medications.  Blood vessels constrict, over exertion is produced and BAM…you have yourself a heart attack.

4. Finding a non matching to anyone in the current make up of said household pubic hair while debating if you should see a shrink about the current state of OCD that has taken over you body.  Pubic hair leads to ‘this isn’t mine or hers’ which leads to paranoia, which turns itself over to jealousy and in the end you are hopped up on so much cough medicine that the only way out is going down the drug overdose shitter.

5. Lastly, the most feared article in the small bathroom?  A large breed dog.  A bubble bath.  Candles.  Incense and a old shortwave radio..  You bend over to retrieve the last known razor that is sitting at the bottom of the bath.  The black elongated muzzle wants to see ‘whatcha got Mommy’!  A feeling of being soiled and spiritually unclean hits.  A bizarre dance follows and a broken neck is sure to be the end of the innocence, at least for the small bathroom dweller.

Plastic Paradise

Care 2 Plastic?
Don’t it always seem to go,
That you don’t know what you’ve got
Til its gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
They took all the trees  And put 'em in a tree museum  And they charged the people  A dollar and a half to seem 'em
They took all the trees
And put ’em in a tree museum
And they charged the people
A dollar and a half to seem ’em

So many choices out there…so little time. Looking ’round the LesbianCave the items that litter my life engross my OCD and set on fire my need to collect as many plastic object as possible. A more feminine spouse would call these items ‘trinkets’ just to make the trauma of checking the bank account balance seem like a moment from ‘Ocean’s 11‘.

Gladware? After the 77 piece of retro ‘china’ has been purchased one should ask the following question: Really, do we have that much open block cheese in the frig?
Plastic bags from the forever giving plastic tree! I have two dogs. One who tends to drop what we call, Mattie Patties! That being said, if she went for a week eating nothing but corn cobs and Gladware…I still would not use all the not bio degradable handbags. Lately, we have been tossing ’round the idea of writing these little ‘trinkets’ into our wills…only to be given to a down and out family that owns a large Saint Bernard with digestive problems.
Croc’s that pay homage to the Rainbow nation. How or why would anyone need the same shoe, the same style and/or the same holder to sweat from the garden foot container? Currently there is hope that Croc will come out with Shit brown as a new addition. Therefore, when out picking Mattie patties from the dirt sanctuary and camo shit goes undiscovered…you will step in undetected.
In ending, I have to ‘fess up. I am an addict. I cannot get enough of wires! Extension cords! USB plugs! Male to male extenders. Female to female speaker wires. At night, I wait ’til the whole world is asleep in their plastic beds. Quietly, slipping downstairs to the basement I find my addiction and watch it as it mates in my plastic storage bin. Wires with other ‘non’ black wires. Girl wires with girl wires. All that plastic getting it on and coming out in the light of day as a mass of tangled electrical mess that is too overwhelming for me to dare to ‘keep them separated!’

Staying Politically Incorrect

Oh, to be an Obama Mama!
Oh, to be an Obama Mama!
Listen ... Rape is a polictically volatile top...
Listen … Rape is a polictically volatile topic (5:08 PM, Aug. 26, 2012) …item 2.. GAWKER — Unmasking Reddit’s Violentacrez, The Biggest Troll on the Web – Reddit had already exploded in outrage. (OCT 12, 2012 5:00 PM) … (Photo credit: marsmet451)

Dear Mr. Obama…
A resentment shared is a resentment cut in half. Or, so I am told. Therefore, I am going to shit in someone’s Cheerio’s and piss in someone’s Wheaties if this problems persist:
Name: Ruth Bowley
Supporter record: blanket blank blank blank
2013 Membership: Pending

If you want to help us respond quickly and forcefully to Republican attacks on President Obama’s agenda, it is CRITICAL that you renew your membership in the next 24 hours.

Here’s why: National Republicans just had their BEST April fundraising numbers in over a decade. If they top us this month, we are in real trouble. At last count, we need 17,000 more donations by tomorrow’s FEC deadline to keep pace. That means, we need you to step up:

Ruth, donate $3 or more and your gift will be matched!
Thank You for your support-
Democratic Headquarters.

My response is this:
I walked, and I kept track because I make Howie Mendel look normal when it comes to OCD, up and down the mean country back roads of Shot Gun Cities, New Hampshire: 475 miles
I called, approximately, 4,552 1/2 persons. The 1/2 accounts for the small child who would not put Mommy or Daddy on the phone.
I shook hands more often than my overly sanitized body would care to admit.
I kissed the asses of politically bothersome and overly upright Democrats and believe you me…there are snobs on both sides of the aisle.
I am sure that the late nights, the early mornings and the meetings with twenty-something go getters at the local Big Office in the Sky…Concord New Hampshire, doesn’t seem like much. However, if you are a tree hugging, anti social, belligerent liberal such as myself…making nice nice has never been a description passersby would label me with.
The skinny, long and short hair of the whole mess?
I’ve given enough. I realize I am just an email on a list. There is no shinning star next to my name but I will put it as nicely as a lovely centurion put it to me…after I called her in the campaign’s best interest last year for the tenth time.
“Hasn’t that bus left yet? When are those damn money hungry politicians going to be out of our fair state?”
Sincerely,
Ruth, you’ll forget my name come tomorrow, Bowley

...vote for Hillary she doesn't miss a thing!
…vote for Hillary she doesn’t miss a thing!

p.s.
In actuality I voted for Hillary and I still believe she got screwed but hey, who am I to hold a grudge?

Half a Resolution Away

Now that we are closing in on a half a year into New Year’s resolutions or as I like to call it, plans involving guilt and remorse for the year to come: A little review is in order so that we all can move on and place blame on others…where it belongs.

I'm so vain I think that Buddha is waiting for me.
I’m so vain I think that Buddha is waiting for me.

1. Combing one’s hair more than once a day. It had been brought to my attention that perhaps my ‘beautiful blonde hair’ would look even more splendid…if it were not so stringy. This observation came from a sister who makes Tammy Fay look like Melissa Etheridge. Quote unquote, ‘it isn’t that your hair is limp…I just think if you combed it more often it would have more body! Nice, huh? Left handed compliment? Jealousy? Or, just plain old, I know you’re a lesbian but come on do you have to look like one to?
2. I have in my years of traveling through mistakes made noticed that meditation is not quite right or not quite what the Buddha had in mind when chanting a mantra in the woods, walking the dogs off leash and swearing at them repeatedly while threatening to return them to their real mother and father. Occasionally, while learning to be still, near an orphan cemetery in Franklin New Hampshire, while the winds blow the scent of purple through the air and the grass shines beneath my sandaled feet, I digress and forget where I am going. As a little stone Buddha sits covered with a scarf for fall, a knit hat for winter and a pair of sunglasses for spring and summer, I ask to be a better person today than I was yesterday and pray that all animals be kept safe and far from harm to the best of their ability. As I turn from Mr. B and his in the moment breath and take head attitude, I will witness the Beagle/Bulldog that has made my heart his home. He runs with the grace of a drunken toddler through the corn field, smile on his jowl, grace and circumstance do not know his name. And, with the time it takes for me to become grateful for all that I have these words will cross my lips as though spoken through me by another…’Jesus Christ Bogie what the fuck are you doing…you can’t shit on someone’s grave!’

If your cup is full may it be again.
If your cup is full may it be again.

3. My very last of three resolutions and possibly the most difficult to adhere to? Shaving the right leg instead of the left leg first. How stranger? One would think! However, if you are enthralled with the Obsessive Compulsive Gene, you would completely understand that following statement. If one shaves their legs three times a week and starts with the left leg first…the right leg will receive less edge and less accuracy and therefore, be less sleek by design. It is a simple equation really, the blade is dulled by the time it hits the over grown mess on your right side and cannot complete the job as expected for it’s purpose. The same can be said for shaving the left arm pit first…if you get the picture. Switching up the vanity routine can become an awful under taking if you have OCD. For as you begin to dwell in the house of repeated routines that help to avoid chaos…everything will need to be changed. Flossing on the right side first instead of the left. Cutting the overrun mess of toe nails right side first left side second. During this whole adjustment period of attempting to be less compulsive you will find that indeed you are feeding into the wild animal called fanatical just by grooming yourself. It would be best to avoid the bathroom altogether, for it is where OCD originated from!

Going down and sweeping my side of the character defect street, almost half way through the year, one important revelation hit me like the smell of a unisex toilet on a tuna boat…it is far better to be a pauper of promises not quite made than a princess to a village of idiosyncratic bad behaviors kept.