Addicted to Ambivalence: Matilda’s Story

Addicted to Ambivalence: Matilda’s Story

Everyone longs to be the 'favorite' CAT
Everyone longs to be the ‘favorite’ CAT

Matilda had been born innocent. But with the discarded chicken wings of life that had been tossed her way…innocent is not how she remained. She did remained steadfast, however, to the idea that her love was better than ice cream. She just needed a participant to share the frozen treat with! There had been many takers but no one with the kind of ‘sweet tooth’ she desired.

‘If it weren’t for those damn cats. She’d of been married by now.’

Matilda thought this fifty year old thought! While starring at the new piece of home goods recently purchased at the nearby Catholic’s Second Hand store. A brand new porcelain white X tend A lid…toilet seat.

Matilda had read somewhere that toilet seat covers made for wonderful photo frames. It had been an article that she discovered in Field and Stream’s home and style… edition.

This new artsy fartsy piece of decor encircled a picture of her favorite cat, Carmen Le’ Calico. It hung amongst the shrine of Mason jars filled with holiday fur balls from years gone past.

As Matilda sat there in her superior stupor: the bad thinking crept into a head that sat on shoulders which were attached to a woman with no vision in which to see the light at the end of the tunnel!

It had been snowing at Matilda’s studio apartment since 1972! Up until recently…feeding her father’s wild bird collection seven days a week had been all she needed to stay centered. That is until she heard about the inbreed pedigree Persian kittens that were born at the Orphanage for Wayward Small Town Prostitutes.

Matilda sat there barren. She sat there and sat there and sat there. She sat there in her grandmother Ruth’s rocker bought during the 1967 depression with Green Stamps. Green Stamps that were supposed to be used to buy Matilda a wooden pony.

She just sat there fighting back the same old insidious addiction. The insidious addiction that many call, the Crazy Cat Lady Blues.

The day turned to dawn. Boxes made fresh and improved with Tom Kat, organic made from gold dust, litter. Cat eateries throughout the house, remained filled to the brim with all natural farm raised Albacore Tuna. And, her father’s dirty birds received their daily feeding.

And, Matilda…back on her rocker. Nothing any different than the last 50 years and one day. Nothing different other than a new and improved picture of an inbreed pedigree Favorite Cat picture…hanging behind a porcelain framed white toilet seat…gently placed upon a off the beaten path…wall!

Me and You, My dog and Your cat!

Licking has been known to improve…motor function!’

a smile on a dog/
a smile on a dog/

So, what gives?  ‘You say, tomato…I say, toma-toe…let’s call the whole thing off!’

My spouse and 73.6% of all partnered white lesbian households where there is one Capricorn and one Pisces, neither having similar hair color or synchronicity in musically taste: Show that cat and dog households can co-mingle.

Yes, cats have more neuro transmitters per snobby capita.  However, dogs are larger in size and therefore, most likely just spreading their intelligence too thin.

Indeed cats seem to know that grooming is not just a last-minute ditch to be invited to sleep in the big bed.  Cats just seem to know that bathing is not something you do in a sinkhole.

Known fact?

Help I've mixed my personality disorder with OCD...I named her, CAT!
Help I’ve mixed my personality disorder with OCD…I named her, CAT!

All licensed and hoped to be licensed lesbian, transgender, bi-sexual, homosexual and heterosexual couples are aware that you cannot co-exist as a dog meet dog and/or cat meet cat household.  Most enter into their perspectives relationships in the following manner:

‘Barley is my cat…I’ve had him since I was two years old…he is now 35 and I won’t give him up.  He doesn’t bark, shit himself, eat his own vomit or request my presence while he cleans his pecker.’

‘No, you don’t understand, Mattie saved me when I almost fell into the fire pit while drinking Tequila and hunting crows…she ran over and threw herself down on top of me and smothered me with love.  She was there when Ellen came out and barked with joy when Rosie went off the air.’

For Fact Sake:

Let’s examine the evidence

Cats have a sense of superiority akin to the cheerleader you hated in High School.  They are aloof and generally travel to the beat of a psychotic introvert drummer.  Felines no matter how you cut it, they are just pretending to be obtuse to who is smarter, better and/or above reproach…for that kind of behavior is below them.

Dogs on the other hand

Cats & Dogs (Evidence album)
Cats & Dogs (Evidence album) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

have a superior sense of smell and sniff other dog’s asses in order to understand them better.

Something we humans could learn from!

I’m not aware of too many things I know what I know, if you know what I mean, d-doo yeah

What I Am

  1. Marriage is a bond between two persons.  A bond that allows for growth, conditional and unconditional love.  Marriage is learning to pick your battles.  Marriage is my dog will have to live in the same household as your  overly fed, narcissistic, anti-social, CAT!

Therefore, the ‘real’ facts between unionizing cats and dogs and marriage:

  1. Allow for your spouse to have a cat that will live in the basement…for eternity!  This cat has never aged, never set a paw on the first floor, does not accept your presence and is currently plotting your dogs demise!
  2. Believe your wife when she states the following:

‘I honestly think that my cat sees dead people!  She stares at the wall for infinite periods of time.  And, she will occasionally, raise a paw to a shadow…as if she were greeting someone!’

**Also believe, there is now psychotropic medication for neurotic cats!

  1. Do not argue with your partner…ever, ever, ever, about the fact that cats do not seem to know the notion of fun.  Do not come home from a long enlightened walk in the woods with the dogs and say:

‘Honey, you should have seen them playing tag with the Gopher!  Throwing it up in the air.  Playing catch with it!  Maiming it!’

Your long-term best friend with benefits, will look at your with disgust in her eyes and dread in her voice.  She will tell you what a heathen you and your dogs are.  She will also tell you…her cats play better, have more fun and enjoy life…far better than any canine.  She will than bring up the story of how Prince, the pedigree pompous ass Persian, learned to use the toilet!

Feline fur-lined estrogen
Feline fur-lined estrogen