As the day drew to an agonizing end…that is, I had finished walking the dogs x 2, walking parent’s dog x 1, blowing the leaves in their ‘country’ setting home, picking up their trash…
That I later take to my town dump, pick threw it and conquer and divide, materials…recycling, reuse, repugnant!
At the end of the end of my day…a call,
You’ll never believe what I just did
Rather than agonizing you the reader with blow by blow description of said phone call. One that I took illegally…as I had been driving.
I will tell you the truth as I know it. And, as I also know, my spouse has long since given up reading my blog and, therefore, I will not be found out!
My life’s partner…my best friend with strange benefits…threw out the stove burners. Not the covers, that we had just replaced. Not the inserts that ensure no particles fall into crevices of the great beyond. Which, by the way, were just recently purchased.
She tossed the actually one and only parts that allow for cooking on a stove-top!
She did however, bake cupcakes, in between…said demise!
Bear with me…I have taken pain killers an am prone to rants and off the cuff remarks…currently.
My spouse, bless her domesticated soul, has begun taking the big marital step called, ‘cooking’.
Some of us can do it. And, for some of us, it is like getting a license at the age of 30. We should just have thrown that particular towel in and taken cabs for the rest of our lives.
I think there should be an Angry Lesbian beer. Yup, that was my thought, after hanging up the phone and attempting to process the how, what and/or wtf, of my partner’s need to clean the stove so thoroughly, parts and particles get tossed out in the mayhem.
This Angry Lesbian beer should be the following:
I don’t ever want to drink again
I just, oh, I just need a friend
The anti freeze should not be enough to kill. Just enough to deter.
The Angry Lesbian beer should smell like patchouli. Being dark in nature, somewhat nutty!
Which by the way? What on earth do we refer to the male privates as a pair of ‘nuts’? It has been awhile but I am sure things haven’t changed that much. Those ugly things look nothing like any nut I have put in my mouth!
You will soon see how this may or may not go together.
Upon arriving home…
Instead of, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. Too bad it was dump day!
‘Boy, you handled that much better than you used to!’
This is where the Angry Beer comes in. This is where the ‘I hate myself for loving you..’
This is where the guilty lesbian…you guessed it, comes in!
I get the leaving on tampon in the box routine…that is typical of a married lesbian couple.
I get the using the last razor…without buying new ones, situation that I sometimes find myself in.
I even understand
‘I haven’t had a chance to wear that shirt yet! Please don’t get anything on it! You know how messy you can be!’
Of course, no one goes out of their way to soil themselves. Unless they are in a home for stupid people. And, that fuckin’ shirt had been hanging in the closet for 3 months. And, that fuckin’ shirt, had been mine originally, I just let her believe she bought it!
We had been asked once by the girlfriend of my spouse’s father…who happens to be very correct and very in tune with strife. She is a family lawyer!
‘So, will you refer to Megan as, your spouse, your partner or your wife?’
This a question given to me after the combining of one Irish family with another Irish family and making one big Fat Lesbian Wedding!
My first thought than. My one thought now. WTF? Does that really matter? Most of the time…I just nod in her direction!
I have never been politically correct and I suppose, it is too late to start now!
What gives with the mythology of the Angry Lesbian?
I hate to tell the world. Only Melissa Etheridge and the Indigo Girls are really angry for no apparent reason. The rest of us…have plenty of Lifetime movie moments, true and sincere, to which there should be some righteous anger!
In ending, the ‘I Hate Myself for Loving You’ story? The other time where the need to make an Angry Lesbian beer…came to mind?
After having driven all day and all night just to get from New Hampshire to some alley way in Baltimore;
“I wanna walk but I run back to you…I hate myself for loving you…”
Came banging on the MP3 player. Jokingly, I said, “I love this song! It reminds me of you. Kind of a twisted love song!”
The rest of the journey? Silent! All 1100 miles of it.
Someone please invent an
Angry Lesbian beer!
The price for burner inserts? For a stove that was a double for the stove on the set of the Brady Bunch? Approximately, $32.00 x four!
The beautifully sedate city, Concord, inhabiting the mundane state of ‘first in the nation primary’ New Hampshire, in the late 70’s and early 80’s seemed oblique to a young and restless youngster such as myself.
Yet, there were a few townie characters to which I owe my vivid imagination. One such customer, Norm, traveled with a shopping cart, an old army sleeping bag, a de-fluffed down jacket and several empty cardboard boxes from the nearest liquor store.
Mind you in New Hampshire we provide liquor on almost every street corner. It is funded and administered by the state, so that makes our larger than life addiction problem…okay!
Norm had been homeless, so my father had said. He had once been employed by the same state that now offered him free cardboard boxes…so they say.
‘And, something just happened, and he’s been down here at the tracks ever since.’
Words of notoriety from my father.
Thought of Norm today when I received a correspondence that will soon follow this soapbox tirade.
Thought of Norm. Thought of my father not buying anything not made in America. Reminisced on my own plight with lack of loving from Obamacare. Glanced at local photos of a main street that no longer exists.
I have said it before but I have chosen to live simply. I need little or am in want of much. To the unfocused eye; tattoos, piercings and Birkenstocks adorn me like a liberal. Perhaps, maybe even a democrat if my voting record came to surface. Most likely, politically correct for many see me as a lesbian. And Christ knowns lesbians are nothing if politically correct.
If there is one thing that I know I am…frugal and lacking in social grace when it comes to stupidity.
1. Americans spend $36,000,000 at Wal-Mart Every hour of every day.
2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick’s Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target +Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people, is the world’s largest private employer, and most speak English.
6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the world.
7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger and Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only fifteen years.
8. During this same period, 31 big supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.
9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had five years ago.
11. This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at Wal-Mart stores. (Earth’s population is approximately 6.5 Billion.)
12. 90% of all Americans live within fifteen miles of a Wal-Mart.
Mind you, I am not upset. Dazed and confused and concerned…yes! Does Wal-Mart cause a stir in the papers from time to time…shit, yeah. But doesn’t the U.S. government? Perhaps, instead balking this the world’s largest employer…we may want to ask for a few lesson plans!
Dear Mr. President and all the lame ducks/current voting members of the legislature. I now announce you, at least a majority of you, corrupt Beavis and Buttheads:
a.. The U.S. Postal Service was established in 1775. You have had 234 years to get it right and it is broken.
b.. Social Security was established in 1935. You have had 74 years to get it right and it is broken.
c.. Fannie Mae was established in 1938. You have had 71 years to get it right and it is broken.
d.. War on Poverty started in 1964. You have had 45 years to get it right; $1 trillion of our money is confiscated each year and transferred to “the poor” and they only want more.
e.. Medicare and Medicaid were established in 1965. You have had 44 years to get it right and they are broke.
f.. Freddie Mac was established in 1970. You have had 39 years to get it right and it is broken.
g.. The Department of Energy was created in 1977 to lessen our dependence on foreign oil. It has ballooned to 16,000 employees with a budget of $24 billion a year and we import more oil than ever before. You had 32 years to get it right and it is an abysmal failure.
You have FAILED in every “government service” you have shoved down our throats while overspending our tax dollars.
AND YOU WANT AMERICANS TO BELIEVE YOU CAN BE TRUSTED WITH A GOVERNMENT-RUN HEALTH CARE SYSTEM??
Norm, townies, artists, hippies, gays, Caucasians, blacks, Hispanics and whomever else is in this melting pot….we’d be better off with Jimmy Buffett and his friend Warren running the show!
We spent ninety jillion dollars
Tryin’ to get a look at Mars
I hear universal laughter
Ringing out among the stars
Fruitcakes in the galaxy
Fruitcakes on the Earth
Strut naked towards eternity
We’ve been that way since birth
EARL'S PLACE: "AN OPEN & RESPECTFUL ONLINE SPACE TO DEBATE OPPORTUNITIES & CHALLENGES FACING THE GLOBE," CURATED BY AWARD-WINNING COLUMNIST, EARL PLANTE, AN UNFLINCHING ADVOCATE FOR SOCIAL & ECONOMIC JUSTICE