Don’t Bogart That Joint

little feat/fat man in the bathtub
Put my money in your meter baby so it won’t run down But you caught me in the squeeze play on the cheesy side of town

First and foremost, no I was not, am not, a true participant of the 70’s!  Perhaps, the late 70’s…but certainly not Watergate and Deep Throat.  I did however, grow up with older half siblings that felt the need to engage me in all the Polka Dot, macrame rage!

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How well does anyone really know the history of slang?  Our vernaculars, 2019…deeply set in the language of Soul Train and American Bandstand!

Are you going bootin’?

I went bootin’!  I went bootin’ at ‘Funspot’ roller rink!  Boogying down to Donna Summer’s ‘Love to Love You Baby!’

Course, I had been spazzing out to the strobe lights that were dancing off the disco ball.  The ‘Man’ had been keeping my catholic school ass since 1972!  And, fool that I was…I had disappointingly been looking for jive ass religion at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box.

Just another Generation X queer looking to Lay Down Sally or Judy in Disguise!

I don’t want to boast but I had been ‘wicked’ cool in my cut off Toughskins and Halter Top!  Riding ’round the all-white city of Concord in my ten speed from Sears.  Avoiding Smokey with some bitchin’ studded tires!

At the end of the era I had learned two significant things!

Never Bogart a joint!

AND

Never get busted with burnouts who are trippin’ for the Bay City Rollers!

70's Slang

 

a Poor Person’s Guide to Earth day

Earth Day for the Poor

-Gather the few you know!  Poverty requires a small social circle…as you do not have any friends.  Having ‘many’ pals means buying the first round.  Obviously, this does not happen much.  Place your dog and your cat in a circular rock garden.  Practice stretching.  That is it.  Just enjoy the relaxing nature of the…rock.

-Take a ride on your moped.  Make sure to pack plenty of biodegradable shopping bags.  Stop at every free pile that you took note of…from the weekly installment of…The Weekly Flea (a free publication from the free Masons!)

-Make a, Earth Day resolution.  Screw trying to fit into the second hand bikini with a low budget diet!  Offer instead to jot down eco-minded ideas.  A procrastinator’s journal that is.  Bound to depress you the whole year through.

-Perform a ‘spring’ cleaning on the cat’s litter-box.

**Please remember to use earth friendly products such as, extra elbow grease, fingernails and hemp!

 

-Instead of just tossing out old vibrators or used porn tapes.  Host a neighborhood swap!

– Get crafty!  Hand knit those cat sweaters with fabric from St. Vincent De Paul’s senior run…thrift store.

-Get dirty.  Plant some ‘banana kush, jack flash or golden goat.’

-At some point, you should donate unwanted items such as; over chewed dog toys, half eaten pastas from a broken box, the six pack of Near Beer…given to you from last x-mas.

-Reflect, reflect, reflect, reflect on your duct taped Doc Marten…footprint.  Church is still, semi free.  No need for folding money and you are promised a warm seat…at least for an hour

-Enjoy a book.  Perhaps, a book written by your favorite blogger…RandomWordbyRuth.  If that is not handy…Big John’s bathroom reader will do.

 

Applying for Ganja

Pot Smoker Needed:

20-stoner-canon.w512.h600.2x
Marijuana is fuel for a creative mind. Fuck this prohibition. -a.k. kuykendall

The D.E.A., is currently receiving applications for the above mentioned job.  Please note below job requirements –

-Persons must be able to lift a minimum of an ounce

-Persons should have no known allergies to Saran Wrap baggies

-Persons should be able to hold their breath for at least…10 seconds

-Persons should be acquainted with a variety of lighters

i.e. Mini Bics, wooden Matches, gas stove tops

-Persons should be willing to eat two half gallons of Heavenly Hash and 5 Super Sim Jim’s within a half an hour

**Felons may apply:  As most of America’s petty pot growers/smokers, are in jail or have been at one time or another

***Overtime is required as the worker may, for prolonged periods of time, forget what they were are supposed to do next

DEA looking for a Houston contractor who can burn Thousands of pounds of pot

The contractor must be able to burn at 1,000 pounds of marijuana per hour and for a minimum of eight consecutive hours per day.

HOUSTON — The Drug Enforcement Agency has been flooded with phone calls since we first reported they are looking for a Houston-area contractor to burn pot and other seized drugs.

There are special requirements for the job. The contractor must be able to incinerate various items like papers, cassette tapes, bulk marijuana, pharmaceuticals, and other incidental controlled substances.

he contractor must be able to burn at 1,000 pounds of marijuana per hour and for a minimum of eight consecutive hours per day.

While the contractor will need to do their own background checks and drug tests, the DEA says they reserve the right to conduct their own background check on the contractor’s personnel.

The DEA also requires that the contractor have their own closed-circuit cameras, and they observe the right to access the video to make sure the evidence is being properly destroyed.

William Barr and the Pot Fairy

I must admit.  After reading many Tom Robbins books and John Updike and Kurt Vonnegut…I began to believe in the Pot Fairy!  

For example, after having hidden a ‘stash’ in the tiny, tiny, tiny, compartment of my moped (the compartment that can easily be popped open with a butter knife).  I can go off into ‘space cadet’ fashion for several seasons.  Forgetting the 1/8th neatly tucked into my zip locked registration.

Two years later, on a transcendental ride…lonely for a toke and one on one with Zen Cows out to pasture…I will scrounge about the vehicle, looking for a light!

And, lo and behold, in the tiny, tiny, tiny, compartment?  A small Bic lighter and pot!

Therefore, the…Pot Fairy…she doesn’t always put out for wishes.  But when she does…she delivers!

Giving into innocence…an adults want to believe in the distortion of reality!

William Barr Reads “Moby-Dick,” Finds No Evidence of Whales

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Attorney General William Barr has just read the classic American novel “Moby-Dick,” by Herman Melville, and found that the book contains “no evidence whatsoever of whales,” Barr stated on Tuesday.

The Attorney General issued his statement on the absence of whales in the Melville classic in a two-paragraph book report released to the news media.

“Those who read ‘Moby-Dick’ looking for whales will be sorely disappointed,” Barr wrote. “There are no whales here.”

To illustrate his point, Barr quoted the book’s first sentence: “Call me Ishmael.”

“As you can clearly see, that sentence does not have a whale in it,” Barr wrote.

The Attorney General indicated that he hoped his report would put an end to “reckless speculation” about the existence of whales in “Moby-Dick.” “It’s time to move on,” he wrote.

Barr disclosed that, after waiting years to read “Moby-Dick,” he was able to finish reading it in approximately fifteen minutes.

  • Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.

Home Grown News

Now here is a job up my alley!  Rolling joints!  I use a bong to avoid my misbegotten talent of shoving a great deal of weed into an open tampon wrapper(that is if you use bio degradable tampons.)

But if they could pair this job…Cat Whispering with it!  I would consider it.  That is… only if training were involved.

Joan and Richard Bowell on Syros with some of their 70-odd furry friends who they have rescued from utter cat-astrophe. Photograph: Courtesy of Joan Bowell

Cannabis Job: Shop Is On The Hunt For A Professional Joint Roller For $13/Hour

March 3, 2019 by Weed’s Home

Candidates for the job at the Hemp Earth Dispensary in Brighton will race against each other and whoever rolls the fastest, perfectly rolled joint will get the job. Think you’re an expert at making cannabis joints? Well, this may just be the perfect job for you.

https://weedshome.com

The Hemp Earth Dispensary in Brighton is on the hunt for a professional spliff roller and will be holding “rolling tryouts” for the £10 per hour position.

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