All Better Letter

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In dark crevices of the mind…

speculation, disclosed images, we would rather not find.

Granted, serenity, is just a visual aid.

Perfect pictures of plans made.

Momentary lapses of chips falling where they may.

Sometimes, when waltzing by my inner sanctum.

I witness a world poised in the need to forever look down.

Struck by honesty that only an overhead light can bring.

The ‘all better letter’ will never arrive.

Akin to searching for truth from an abandoned building.

In the asunder, bricks of malice.

Serenity in the shell of recovering.

One day at a time.

One hour at a time.

 

#NH addiction hotline-1-844-711-HELP (4357)

Crippled Nuts and Barfly

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If you want to reach me…I’ll be in the bar.

A distant poet.

I thought I would have out grown it.

The hunter.

The hunted.

A stool so formidable.

Slippery slopes so sly.

I almost fell for my own lies.

And,

all those hostages with painted on mugs.

Just substitute teachers for love.

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All that fanfare,

laying at my feet.

Not enough to complete.

Not enough to compete.

Crippled nuts,

shelled in a scrapped book.

Jukebox filled with communion thin…disagreeable sins.

In a picture viewer…just for one.

Seated at the right hand of one night stands.

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Hearts inflection…enough to raise the grateful dead.

And,

prayers to cosmic zeppelins.

And,

in the end,

hail mary’s out of bedlam.

Altogether, tools in the great ascension.

Barfly destination…unknown.

A cankered zealot at home in the tow away zone.

barfly-2

I love Lucy…and, AA meetings!

One of the most important amends I had to make…while stumbling my way around early sobriety, had been very personal.

So personal, I continue to not forgive or forget what destructive path…I sent myself down.  Apologizing to others had been difficult.  Yet, forgiving myself for the shit I pulled…years into sobriety, comes with difficulty.

The very first meeting I attended after a month and a half in detox/rehab, had been at Howard Rec., Concord, New Hampshire.

Now, Howard Rec is located right smack dab in the middle of our lovely state’s…state run mental health facility.  New Hampshire Hospital holds many memories for me.  Most of which I cannot comment on until a later date.

However, it could be said that…Howard Rec scared the shit out of me…from childhood to adulthood.  The stories of sociopaths running around with chains…unknowns with gray Johnnies, limping and drooling…chasing down small children such as myself.

These were some of the horror stories I had been told to dismay me from cutting across the State Hospital lawn…to get to school.

Be Still, Canterbury
Be Still, Canterbury

Course, as an early teen in the late 70’s and early 80’s and a budding addict, I went headstrong across the lawn every chance I could.

Current day, Howard Rec., 1995, wet behind the ears with too much coffee and not enough drink…I, deer stuck in headlight’ grappled for the rec., room door.

What I came upon was a scene from a National Lampoon movie.  A not updated gymnasium lay before me.  Warped basketball floors, tilted back nets with strings fraying.  And, a garden variety of alcoholics…in many stages of sobriety.  All dress in black.

My first thought?

‘Is this the Johnny Cash wake?’

Truth be told.  After the confusion and my wanting to tie one on…at the Frosty Mug.  I discovered the meeting had been for a woman who, along with mental impairments, been sober for 25 years.

Her husband, who she had met while being a patient at the state hospital, quickly noticed the look of a newbee…in the halls.

Brushing well wishers aside, he made a bee line for your’s truly.

I had almost made it to the girl’s bathroom, toilets a half a foot off the ground.  But alas, no!

Henry grabbed my shoulder with the strength of several men…though he appeared to be older than dirt.

“Where you going girl?  Norma, would be pissed if she chased away an addict!”

I didn’t really have a response.  I just listened.  And, listened.

Henry told me of his struggles.  Norma problems with major depression.  And, their marriage of sobriety.  What influenced me most?lucille-ball-quote

“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. Your really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.  That’s Lucy!  Norma loved watching, I love LUCY!  She believed that laughter…along with Thorazine and AA meetings…were really the best medicine!”

All at once, a vision…

Some woman shuffling along, smile on her face, Big Book in hand…and television set to TV land’s, I Love LUCY!

I broke out into tears, laughter and almost…puked.

Amen, Henry!

Henry, not long after that meeting, went on to see his wife, Norma.  Every couple of months…I take an afternoon and binge watch, LUCY.

Usually, I am renewed shortly there after.

Sober Game of Spades

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Once upon a time a wish to be granted…

A request to quell the static between the stations.

A bribe of blind faith…minus donations.

Elder statesmen and women, told me,

your folding money is no good in the halls.

They spoke of paying heed to the slogans that peppered the smoke-stained walls.

In a sober game of spades…the stillness of irony remains…

Why do bad things happen to good people?

I asked the priest…

he handed me a set of Latin verses set in gold leaf.

And, when I approached a sage…

he muttered something about…the wars we have waged.

And, when I visited my kin…

peyote blanketing the reservation…

there had been tales of the white man’s sin.

But…years ago, when the chips were handed down…

An old farmer spoke to me with little sound.

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“20 years ago, a wildfire came and burned my last bridge.  That must have been when I was granted my first and last wish!”

Cleaning Hell

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I’ve scaled the deep and tall well.

Witnessed while friends clean hell

No windows looking out

Only windows looking in

Still the question…who will be the first to judge my sin?

“Death is impatient and thoughtless. It barges into your room when you are right in the middle of something, and it doesn't bother to wipe its boots.” ― Tom Robbins, Jitterbug Perfume
“Death is impatient and thoughtless. It barges into your room when you are right in the middle of something, and it doesn’t bother to wipe its boots.”
― Tom Robbins, Jitterbug Perfume