I know that look…I have and had seen it many times before. When I returned home from receiving that “Look” my partner knew of which I spoke. She had seen that ‘Look’ before too!
Let me describe for you the ‘Look’ and perhaps, some of you will know what I’m talking about, as well.
Description of the ‘Look’
The facial expression is never any different whether it is on a woman or a man! It is a scowl coupled with a hatred born from ages of tyranny. The disdain and repulsiveness is not from the scowl but from the eyes! Again, it is never any different whether it is from a man or a woman. The eyes, be them blue, green, hazel or brown, become black slits. Almost invisible to those of us without twenty twenty vision. Yet, none of ‘Us’ really need to look these people in the eye because we can sense the ‘Presence’.
The ‘Presence’ is remarkable in that it only carries one tone; vanity mixed with ignorance lacking charity.
What happens when you turn your back on the ‘Look’ that denotes a ‘Presence’ of popular majority? I can only describe the ‘Feeling’ which is aroused!
The ‘Feeling’ retreats way back into the archives of my younger years. A sense of sadness. A notion of not being good enough, ridiculed, scared and more importantly, alone!
The ‘Question’ is always what follows the memories of ‘Feeling’ a ‘Presence’ of a ‘Look’ that I’ve known for so many years:
Why was I born this way? Why don’t people like me? How come I feel so different? And, for those of us older than Rainbow flags and Pride Parades, who can I talk to?
Let’s face it, I’m gay. Many other out there are, as well. We don’t want to walk into a church, a store, a job interview, a business meeting, with our ‘Pride’ on our sleeves. We do want to walk on our city streets, into our town hall meetings, our Earth Day celebrations, without the ‘Look’.
The ‘Look’ that has caused 1 in 3 homosexuals to take their own lives. The ‘Look’ that won’t allow us to openly care for each other. The ‘Look’ that claims we are deviants to society though, most crimes are committed by middle class, heterosexuals white males.
If I were granted just one wish it would be simple:
To never feel reduced, hated, sad, misplaced and unwanted by the ‘Look’ ever again!
I do not know how to; grow old, grow tired, walk with a limp, acquire a handicap plate, give in, give up, etc. The tools given…unto me were…
the Good Bible…and the Bad Bible
Heterosexuality…Did not do me any good other than…Realize, blow jobs were gross.
Birth Control pamphlets under my teen-aged door.
Native American blood mixed with Irish cynicism.
Blonde hair…Which I use as a crutch, when in error of; Wondering which side the gas tank is on…On my moped.
I am sure there is more. But as my mother has always told me…during several stages of verbal abuse from my father…
‘You have always had a flair for the dramatic…Oh, by the way, did you know you had a cold-sore.’
Fortunately, I follow, blogs, authors, both here and there. Who can guide me to a better understanding of self! If there is such a thing!
As for loving woman, I have never understood why some people had a fit. I still don’t. It seems fine to me. If an individual is productive responsible, and energetic, why should her choice in a partner make such a fuss? The government is only too happy to take my tax money and yet they uphold legislation that keeps me a second class citizen. Surely, there should be a tax break for those of us who are robbed of full and equal participation and protection in the life of our nation!
Rita Mae Brown
It has been said before…but why can’t humans be more like cats. I am not certain if all my cats are gay…Typically, they don’t like anyone!
Once upon a time, a small convenience store…elderly clerk, young males (approximately, 3 or 4) and, a single Tomboy/girl…singled out from the pack.
As the youngsters crowded the candy counter…
“You don’t wanna get those candy cigarettes…You are such a fag! Only queers get those!”
Turns and walks out. No purchase. No sign of emotional response. Just a look of confusion. Uncertain, she heads home…slight frown on her freckled face. She packs away the scene of rowdy of kids and their comments in the back of her mind.
In the attic of her thoughts. Where other hidden reflections live…
“Why can’t I ask about those two men that are always together in church. What about my friend Dawn? She so different…So not like other adults. Why won’t my parents let me go camping with her?”
Today, adult Tomboy/woman…group of mischievous preteens at an ice cream counter…
“Did you see that kid? That girl he was with? She is such a dyke! You’d think he would know! What a fag!”
“If a bullet should enter my brain, let that bullet destroy every closet door.”
Rita Mae Brown
My voice rings down through thousands of years
To coil around your body and give you strength,
You who have wept in direct sunlight,
Who have hungered in invisible chains,
Tremble to the cadence of my legacy:
An army of lovers shall not fail.
‘Had it not been for an army of cats…in and out of my life. Living, as such, plainly and bored with the earthlings…I would have committed a serious crime against humanity…years ago!’