After All…Free is Free

I love free stuff!  Free pens at the bank!  Free dog treats when I pick up a prescription!  Free bumper stickers at a political rally!

So…

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “the least I can do for my country,” the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said on Saturday morning that she would lie for free during the government shutdown.

“Now more than ever it’s important that the stream of falsehoods and distortions from this White House continues to flow in a steady and uninterrupted fashion,” Sanders said. “To achieve that, for the duration of the government shutdown I will be lying on a pro-bono basis.”

Sanders said that Donald Trump had asked that she keep a full accounting of the lies she told during the shutdown so that she could be reimbursed for them later, but she turned down that offer. “I’ve often said that I like to lie so much I would do it for free,” she said. “This is a chance to put my money where my mouth is.”

The press secretary said that her offer had already inspired other top Administration figures to lie for free during the shutdown, including Vice-President Mike Pence, Attorney General Jeff Sessions, and White House doctor Ronny Jackson.

After making her announcement, Sanders moved on to a broad range of other topics, including her assertion that the government had not shut down.

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Andy Borowitz is the New York Times best-selling author of “The 50 Funniest American Writers,” and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes theBorowitz Report

There is ‘No Collusion’ with the Wall

Recently, atop of the ‘need’ for a wall…to keep the ‘deviants’ out.  Or, maybe to keep our American deviants…in: There had been talk of not only building a wall but perhaps, pulling together a roof…as well.

A roof would keep Extra Terrestrials without a green-card…from getting in and enjoying our wonderful land of guns, fentanyl and global warming.  However, perhaps this next report is a better and less expensive idea.

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unexpected breakthrough that could end the government shutdown, President Donald Trump has backed down from his demand for a wall and offered instead to post Vice-President Mike Pence at the border with big binoculars.

According to the White House, Pence’s mission at the border will alternate between keeping an eye out for potential intruders and glaring menacingly into the distance.

At a press conference announcing the development, Pence appeared to embrace his new role as the nation’s first line of defense against illegal immigration.

“If anyone wants to sneak into the United States, why, lordy, they’ll have to get past Mike Pence first,” he said.

The White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, denied that stationing Pence at the border represented a concession on Trump’s part and claimed that the Vice-President was “just as good as a wall.”

“If anyone can take the place of an inanimate object, it’s Mike Pence,” she said.

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report