an Age Difference

The severance of a nerve

The leftover scarsimageedit_3_6632606200

Have I ‘arrived too late?’

Must ache be my fate?

There is a static to the air…while I put aware my cares.

A great sense of having visited a temple built without brick.

A presence of ‘having heart’ in the changing of colors that loom ahead.

Watching as the fields grow…and, wane.

I hear nothing from the sheltering woods…they do not complain.

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The Pimple of Self-Pity

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Often, as those of artistic mind can; I find myself wallowing.  Delving deep into…I’m old, I wish I were young and innocent.  My arms are too long!  They drag on the ground.  I have my grandmother’s feet…They belong on a dinosaur in a museum!

Blah, blah, blah.

Fortunate for me!  I am sober, sarcastic and have an over abundance of written examples on… Just how deadly self-pity can be!’

best-friends-2

“All depression has its roots in self-pity, and all self-pity is rooted in people taking themselves too seriously.!

The key word here is roots,” Maestra had countered. “The roots of depression. For most people, self-awareness and self-pity blossom simultaneously in early adolescence. It’s about that time that we start viewing the world as something other than a whoop-de-doo playground, we start to experience personally how threatening it can e, how cruel and unjust. At the very moment when we become, for the first time, both introspective and socially conscientious, we receive the bad news that the world, by and large, doesn’t give a rat’s ass. Even an old tomato like me can recall how painful, scary, and disillusioning that realization was. So, there’s a tendency, then, to slip into rage and self-pity, which if indulged, can fester into bouts of depression.”

“Yeah but Maestra – ”

“Don’t interrupt. Now, unless someone stronger and wiser – a friend, a parent, a novelist, filmmaker, teacher, or musician – can josh us out of it, can elevate us and show us how petty and pompous and monumentally useless it is to take ourselves so seriously, then depression can become a habit, which, in tern, can produce a neurological imprint. Are you with me? Gradually, our brain chemistry becomes conditioned to react to negative stimuli in a particular, predictable way. One thing’ll go wrong and it’ll automatically switch on its blender and mix us that black cocktail, the ol’ doomsday daiquiri, and before we know it, we’re soused to the gills from the inside out. Once depression has become electrochemically integrated, it can be extremely difficult to philosophically or psychologically override it; by then it’s playing by physical rules, a whole different ball game. That’s why Switters my dearest, every time you’ve shown signs of feeling sorry for yourself, I’ve played my blues records really loud or read to you from The Horse’s Mouth. And that’s why when you’ve exhibited the slightest tendency toward self-importance, I’ve reminded you that you and me – you and I: excuse me – may be every bit as important as the President or the pope or the biggest prime-time icon in Hollywood, but none of us is much more than a pimple on the ass-end of creation, so let’s not get carried away with ourselves. Preventive medicine, boy. It’s preventive medicine.”

“But what about self-esteem?”

“Heh! Self-esteem is for sissies. Accept that you’re a pimple and try to keep a lively sense of humor about it. That way lies grace – and maybe even glory.”

Tom Robbins – Fierce Invalids Home for Hot Climates

 

Grow Old with Me

Knowles Chilled
Knowles Chilled

I am working on my third orthopedic surgery in as few as…6 months.  I am also working on a good case against…growing old.  As I sit with leg up, staring at the fake neon stars that I have plastered on my ceiling…I am chased by the ghost of…Ruth past…

A woman of vim and vigor.  Outdoorsy and often likened to a forever Phys. Ed., teacher.  No matter the meditation…gratitude can be so fleeting but dejection of self can be so…easy.  So basic.  As simple as, preferring rain over a sunny day.

However, in a spurt of wisdom, years ago, I choose an advocate.  She is my wife.  She is my life.  And, certainly, she sets my shit straight when it starts to go awry!

Recently, out of the blue, whilst I sat in the blues…She said to me,

‘Even with your hair unwashed, bad breath and hopped up on pain medications, you inspire me.  Hard to believe your cynicism grows sexier as you grow older!’

Alas, on that note…a thought from Dear old Ben,

The Paradox of Older Women and Young Girls!   You choose!

  1. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor’d with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable.
  2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.

  3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc’d may be attended with much Inconvenience.

  4. Because thro’ more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin’d to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.

  5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.

  6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.

  7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.

8thly and Lastly They are so grateful!!”