Dreams I’ve put aside!

If I had the  chance to meet Dear Old Saint Nick…again, not ’75, but 2015…what would I have to offer?  What would convince me not to hesitate?  Would I go, go, go, undaunted, with wishes and good cheer, throughout the whole year?

Although the memories of youth are steeped in a steamy cover-up of good family, bad family…there are a handful of ‘thanks for the memories’ open spaces in my mind.  Places, attic crevices, basement hide-aways, and scantly clad, pauses, where I had learned…something worth living!

‘Be kind to others!’

Simple in nature and hard fought…coming from a home that never hid behind ghosts.  That aired it’s differences every night between the local news and the next Bruin’s game.

‘Volunteer, volunteer, volunteer.  Whatever the cause, if you feel strongly enough to do something about, do not sit back on your ass and complain about it.  Do something, little things, big things, written things…but do something about it!’

This had been a lesson plan handed to me by a set of authority figures clad in deep catholic faith and discipline via the belt!

Dear Santa,stand alone 4

It seems we, or should I say, I!  Have somehow become weary of the shit storm that brews in every American household…current day.

What’s that you say?

No, I no longer want a G.I Joe doll!  Currently, I would like to see others, as well as, myself, try more!

A simple hankering for, an almost inspired people to…take it one notch higher!

To answer your last question…

Am I doing enough?

Shit, no.  There is always more to be done.  The earth is crying.  Lives that were meant to be lived…no longer exist…for sake of…Actually, I cannot really say why we are knocking each other out in the first round.  I used to know.  But maybe even that had been wishful thinking.

I give up sometimes.  Throw my hands in the air.  Shut off what is loosely called, the news.

I shut off, shut down and decide, for a fleeting moment:

The boat is sinking.  The water smells like a boiled over septic tank.  The shore is now receded into the mid west and well,

‘Every lesbian for herself!’stand alone 2

But here is the thing…with everything else being true, I cannot save myself unless I help the person next to me.  Just how it is.  Two heads are better than one.

So, I try!  I try to believe on the darkest of days.  With another mass shooting.  Topped with another turn of unusual bad weather.  And, handed over on a plate of…‘it’s the over guy’s job,’

I try to believe…that just voice can make a small change.  And, a small change can incite, another voice…And, that, after a certain period of time, we can move a mountain.

Dear Santa,

I just want to keep on trying.  Keep pushing.  Keep persuading.  Keep speaking up…particularly, on days, when I want to hide back in 1975!

                                                                                                                 Peace Out


stand alone 5








Well I wish real hard when I close my eyes… 
If I could change the world–would I even try?
If I found a reason to regain my pride…
if I try to believe–try to believe!

If I had a dream and it got away…
If I found the words would I know what to say?
If I had a chance to be someone else…
Yeah, if I try to believe, try to believe

If I found a door I’ve never been through? 
Would I have the courage to go in without you ?
And, if time runs short would I recognize…
The things I couldn’t see?

If we listen to the voices that were silent for so long…
If you thought they went away, well you couldn’t be more wrong! 
If I tell you there is something that we’ve lost but can retrieve…
If I tell you there is hope, if we try to believe…
You remember there’s a dream that we long since put aside?
With the toys that we discarded… 
And, the tears we never cried
We could have had it once again, if we try baby try

If I try to believe–try to believe? 


stand alone 1
It’s so hard to trust another, when it’s easier to hide
It’s so hard to believe, unless we try, try, try!

Touring with the Big Girls


For all you young idealists out there who want to go “make a difference” and “change the world” go right ahead, but don’t do it with AmeriCorps. The last few months I have spent with this organization has been pure fuckin’ hell…

AmeriCorps seems great at first. An education award ($4725), and a living stipend ($10,600) seems like enough to get by on. It isn’t.

1. The Education award is taxable, and that’s even if you earn it. Only about 50% of my class will actually be finishing their 1700 in order to earn their award. This is because the program is set up to have you finish in August when everyone else is applying and getting new jobs in May.

2. $10,600 averages out to about 2$ an hour. There are many other fulfilling organiztions you can go work for that will pay you a real salary.

3. AmeriCorps lied to me and just about everyone I know about what our actual job assignments would be. My time as of late had been spent checking in on fake friends and mastering masturbation.  Ideal hands our the volunteer’s workshop.

4. For anyone out there who write this off as a cynical rant you can politely go F^%*( yourself. AmeriCorps sucks, ask anyone.

5. If you’re so psychopathic that you are only doing a summer tour; work on your tan…you’ll have plenty of free time.

6. Bend over put your head between your legs and kiss your ass good-bye and your sex life…no, good deed goes unpunished.


I hope this will help some of you make better career decisions.

Post Script- the food sucks too.  Not real sure how I keep getting fatter.  I could live off my body fat for a year and still have leftovers to offer the rest of the troop.

Thank you for your time.

Ambien, Annie, Gracie, Williams, VISTA Abhorrent

Staking Claim to Clueless-ness

timid on trazodone
timid on trazodone

As I wander aimlessly. Volunteering myself to the streets of Virginia. Along with Bethany, Jeremy and other misguided conformed young adults. I look down at myself, I look in the windows of the shops I walk by, I glance at the figure in the eyes of the down trodden I have sworn to make Easter Baskets for and plant seeds for in their impoverished gardens. I look at my image to see what has changed. Now that I have been given a new set of directions.
The psyche has not changed. The soul that is lacking volume is still an over the top septic tank waiting to be emptied.
I creep people. And, I creep them out. I absorb their energy as though it were handed to me along with my diploma from UNH. The diploma is not recyclable and the shell of my existence cannot be found with in the streets of my barren soul.

Earth day is everyday.  Ambien Grace day is everyday.  The two are polar opposites and the road in between is over grown with weeds.

Happy Monday to my followers-

Ambien, the Annie C., Grace and her somewhere else dog, Beckett Couvillion the third.

thinking of self-less?
thinking of self-less?