The well and not so, well, infliction and matters of remorse found only within the Confines of New Hampshire:
‘What happened to Grandma Ruth? She seemed fine at the church bake and wake sale!’
*She had a spell! She’s had them before. Doctor says that there ain’t cure for spells. She took too many falls retrieving her dentures off the lawn… and welp, that led to her spells!
2. Post Nasal Drip:
Local researchers have unmasked the horrible ,horrible and completely horrible truth to C.O.P.D! It is not caused by years of smoking due to an anxiety disorder produced by living with someone who is in dire need of psychotropic medications and with whom you find the need to sing ‘King of Anything.’
No, the Chronic Obstruction of Pacifier Disorder is directly caused by post nasal drip!
My father! The man who has perfect pitch when it comes to being right and the person directly linked to persons wanting to drink and/or smoke in his presence…due to his need to allow you to share in his opinion.
“What are the symptoms?”
*At first you will smoke like there is no tomorrow during a debate with persons who believe the are always right. Possibly a discussion on black athletes and their pay scale. Then slowly you will feel the need to stuff you emotions. Shoving them so deep into the crevices of everything that feels right. Eventually, this baggage will have no where to go but out. Typically the only way out is through…the nasal cavity. Similar to a leaky faucet that can never be fixed.
3.This years strain of New Hampshire Bronchitis has been located in the small town of Canterbury! An elderly man there…one which will not be named due to his direct threat of tossing catholic guilt around, has announced to his family that his bronchial tubes are swollen. The swelling has been caused by Christmas decorations! Basically, he is allergic to Christmas!
This senior to a wealth of useless knowledge will go down in the annals of regurgitated history for the following discovery:
To remain completely anti-social in regards to physical and mental health one most watch the Weather Channel continuously while basking in the vacant taste of black tea. Sipping slowly thru a facial mask.
If the subject at hand feels the need to have intercourse metaphysically with the outside world…gently crack open the shut in windows to the house of righteousness. Extend the left hand…fold down all but one finger and with the middle digit raised high…test the winds of change…sleep soundly in the knowledge that only the good die young.