Arlo’s Movement

Basically, I think there are two things to get by in this world:

a sense of humor and the ability to laugh when your ego is destroyed!

Arlo Guthrie

The only reason I’m singing you this song now is ‘cause you may know somebody in a similar situation, or you may be in a similar situation,” Guthrie explains. “And if you’re in a situation like that there’s only one thing you can do and that’s walk into the shrink wherever you are, just walk in say, ‘Shrink, You can get anything you want, at Alice’s restaurant.’ And walk out.


Dysfunction Junction…what is your function?

Dysfunctional family members are like assholes..everyone has one!
Dysfunctional family members are like assholes..everyone has one!

Contrary to popular belief, it is very difficult to take a dysfunctional family and make it functional. The opposite would be true is well. However for the purpose of this blog (and, because the author is much more familiar with chaos) the topic shall remain strictly on taking several wrongs (DNA) and attempting to make it right.
‘Living amongst dysfunction…in a household setting…is like finding your ‘own’ misshapen and non hygienic lint on a pair of socks. There is nothing more disgusting than your own special brand of gross.’
Dysfunction, junction…what is your function?

The first mistake is making every attempt within your impotent powers to stir things up. You are currently in a cesspool race amongst inbred rats…there is no winning and/or changing the game plan.
As the saying goes,
‘It is like pissin’ into the winds!’

WE all eat what we sow!
WE all eat what we sow!

Your best bet is to not bet at all. Change in a defective world is a slow and steady game of RISK…And, you are a country in and of itself. You have no allies!

Never, never, ever, talk to them or talk above them. Them being the ‘Flawed Clan’. Do not attempt to argue with them when they are;
stirred up
a festering human boil
disgruntled once again,
over an argument that occurred two decades ago

Above all, do not strive to out swear them. When in the process of out cussing the kissin’ Cousin or the demented Dad, you will find yourself only using the optimal words and/or:
Fuck this
Fuck that
Fuck you
What the fuck
and my personal favorite
You are fucked up!

It's hard to put the big Girl panties on when your family suffers from diaper rash!
It’s hard to put the big Girl panties on when your family suffers from diaper rash!


There are so many other ways to deal with the current situation…whether it is a the stage of just having been told your grandmother is your sister’s father. Or, your distant, distant, not distant enough, cousin is fond of necrophilia.
Swearing/cussing will only lead to dumbing you down and is known to cause bouts of ‘redneck’ dialect!

How to physically right the wrong of maladjusted lineage?
Do not look unhappy! Take that fated frown and turn in upside down! If you do not do this…the defrocked dynasty will suck you in with their ‘funny bone’ dramas!

No matter, the Whoa is me situation:
Uncle Hilde wants to be Aunty Hilda
Sister Flo believes there are aliens living in her small intestine.
Step Dad #5 was once an alcoholic clown in a traveling show

Misery loves company. Dysfunction loves snowstorms in the middle of July and they will blame you for the plight. Particularly if you are suspiciously…wearing a frown!

A simple list of how to combat dysfunction and stop it from breeding:

  1. Psychotropic medications
  2. Relocation
  3. Becoming an alcoholic and/or addict
  4. Talking to the animals
  5. Frontal Lobe Lobotomies
  6. Changing your last name
Necessary Items 4 a family outing: travel Buddha and Daily Reflections!
Necessary Items 4 a family outing: travel Buddha and Daily Reflections!

The only real solution to taking problematic family trees and shaking the apes out?
A good sense of self, a spouse that has not been afflicted by a similar disease, hope, faith and occasional private sessions of isolated rage.
Private Non-Inclusive Isolated Rage; This is a practice/hobby that should be participated in by one’s self. You will need a copy of ‘Every Rose as it’s Thorns’ by White Snake. You will also need to acquire every episode of ‘All in the Family’ that has ever been placed upon this bigoted earth. A container of red ants that have not been feed in the last week or so. One jar of pure honey…not the fake stuff. Ants can tell the difference!
It is best that you remove all dangling jewelry and strip down to what God gave ya’. Then, ask your spouse for a period uninterrupted time in the basement. A comfortable chair is advised.
As you put on the music, volume to the max. Archie in his chair…on mute. Place yourself with the tender love in care you should have received as a child…but didn’t, in the barren but comfy chair. Open the jar of honey placed by your left foot. Un-hinge the jar of ants…with your right foot.
Close your eyes and rest in peace knowing…you are currently in a much healthier space than you ever will be at a Thanksgiving dinner with the Parents!

##The history pages are filled with the anguish of growing up in unfit clans. The Kennedys are a prime example of several attempts at sexing the junky genes out. And, let’s face it, there are many of them left. Start to work today…
Stop Dysfunctional Families today…donate to

Never, ever mix recreational marijuana and's a waste of a good high!
Never, ever mix recreational marijuana and family…it’s a waste of a good high!

Castration for Cross Breeding Clans!

Sweetheart Like You


To be naïve is to own a bathroom without a plunger!
To be naïve is to own a bathroom without a plunger!

I ask, who really cares?
Is it the young adult who throws love around like a tit full of cellulite?
Is it the middle aged lesbian who is compulsively aware of her plight brought on by ignorance and therefore, abides by no rules?
Are people basically good?
And, what is love?
Some of the most important questions we will seek answers to…We will continue to search out…Our whole life…Only to come out emptied handed.
Driving amongst the pouring rain tonight, the moon hidden by the sick sense of  astronimichumor Mother Nature bestows upon us from time to time. In the sweep of my truck tires and the sounds of Adele, a distant and somewhat comical memory came up to me and shook my hand.
My mother, bless her soul, years before the anti-smoking fashion became all the craze; had been accompanying me for a quick toke off a Marlboro Red in a vacant parking lot…one awful, over stuffed Thanksgiving.
As we coughed and spat and enjoyed our cancer stick. A car of unknown not made in America origin strolled by…on the back were these words stamped out in red, white and blue.

English: Marlboro cigarette in pack.
English: Marlboro cigarette in pack. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Being a devout catholic who insists in finding the good in all of us, my mother stated, ‘how nice that is!’
I choked and hammered and hawed, ‘what do you mean, Ma? You mean that bumper sticker?’
She smiles from the inside out and states, ‘yes, isn’t it nice for people to promote such a thing? To get over your differences and swallow your words…I’ve always believed in that!’
At the time, back in the good old not so far from today…days, good ole Ma had an answering machine. And, I knew without posing the question what the next remark would be from my saintly mother.
‘I think I’ll use that saying for a new message on my machine!’
It was then and there that the roles reversed themselves and got twisted up in the game of life and sex and right and wrong.
Gently and with a newly lit cigarette in hand, I explained the facts of life to my mother. A situation I have been able to avoid ever since. To this day I wonder, what would Father John have said, if he called upon my mother at home to possibly come in next Sunday to hand out the sacrament and only got the answering machine? What if Sister Pat phoned and inquired about the new Bingo machine that had been on back order for months?  What would her habit have thought of such a message?
Fun as it would have been in my own catholic girl’s do not start much too late, mentality. I had to burst my mother’s virginal bubble.
Tonight, though, while heading north of north. I smiled and thought, wouldn’t it be nice to feel that naivety again? To believe in the good that resides in all of us. To enjoy the love I have waiting at home with me. A partner who rises early and beds down at the crack of sundown. A lover who awaits me with open arms and a caring and comforting charm.
Thank Christ for memory it prompts the jaded edges of my composure to tread lightly when it is graced by the beautiful women in my life.


the Laughing Queen
There’s only one step down from here, baby It’s called the land of permanent bliss What’s a sweetheart like you doing in a dump like this ?








Ramen Noodles on the Tree


Dear Santa,

I hate to be a bother.  Yet, I am curious about this up coming X-Mas.  Things have changed so slightly that many of us just have not caught on to the shift in the Peace on Earth attitude.

you can't be serious

I believe many humans in kind have asked uniformly for a white holiday season.  Yet, it appears it will be brown covered in debris from the tsunami that hit not to long ago.

Not too long ago, I believe it had been my parent’s neighbors who wished everyday for a Lincoln Mercury.  Now there is mercury showing up everywhere but in the form of a car.

I know I am only a middle-aged adult and have much to learn about the world.  Every X-Mas I ask for wisdom and health.  Again, I don’t know how it happened, but health care is only available for those in white-collar prisons or government officials.  Sometimes both are one in the same but you get the idea.

As the Charlie Brown X-Mas tree gets its new set of Dollar Tree lights and all the family gathers round to give ‘thanks’:   We all wonder, my little family and I, after we start the wood stove with the foreclosure papers and stack the Ramen noodles in the saucepan, what gives? zappa

It is agreed that none of us really understand a Fiscal Cliff.  Yet, we do understand a Pitfall when we see one.

There seems to be a lack of ‘Thank you, have a nice day’ and more, ‘Don’t Like My Driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT’.

Less opportunity to show how educated you are and times where we all wished we had an Middle Eastern Accent, ten children and a green card.

Speaking of which, I know it’s quite a bit to ask.  However, when you are going over my list of wants; could you possibly make it easier for my neighbor to buy pot?  She has stomach cancer.  She is 87.  She lives alone.  And, she would like to enjoy a meal.  I haven’t lit up a joint in a while but if I recall, it improves the appetite.

Anyway, that is it for now.  My list of holiday wishes are below-

1. One car in the driveway

2.One bill paid on time

3.A job

4.Stockings to put on our feet, not above the mantle

5.One tooth, I’ll ask for the rest next year

6.World Peace or at least, an agenda in which to get us back on track.

Warmest Regard-

Disgusted in Franklin



No matter where you go there you are…

Chaos, panic, disorder…my work is done here.

Beam me up baby Jesus!


Cover of "Alice's Restaurant"

A worker in a slow kiosk had been verbally examined by her supervisor…the old Chef in a Jug.  She had asked her employee/waif/goddess to the sick leave

“Where has that fuckin’ Gloria gone this time?  I swear if she ain’t out loosing the brakes on the catering van…running into that new preschool on campus…she’s out whoring ’round with the head of the Police Academy.”


Kiosk Waif-

“Don’t ask me where she dragged her sorry ass off to!  I’m always covering for her.  Wait…now that I think of it.  She did say something about an appointment.”


Chef in Addiction training-

“That means some poor cadet somewhere is getting certified in how to bag it and tag it…Gloria style!”


Employed by Stupidity-

“No, she said something about needing to go to the hair dresser or the dog groomer!”



“What for?”


Kiosk Bitch-

“She said, she needed to go get the hair across her ass…removed!”



Stained glass at St John the Baptist's Anglica...
Stained glass at St John the Baptist’s Anglican Church, Ashfield, New South Wales. Illustrates Jesus’ description of himself “I am the Good Shepherd” (from the Gospel of John, chapter 10, verse 11). This version of the image shows the detail of his face. The memorial window is also captioned: “To the Glory of God and in Loving Memory of William Wright. Died 6th November, 1932. Aged 70 Yrs.” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


This song is called Alice’s Restaurant, and it’s about Alice, and the
Restaurant, but Alice’s Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant,
That’s just the name of the song, and that’s why I called the song Alice’s

You can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant
You can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant
Walk right in it’s around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant

Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago, was on – two years ago on
Thanksgiving, when my friend and I went up to visit Alice at the
Restaurant, but Alice doesn’t live in the restaurant, she lives in the
Church nearby the restaurant, in the bell-tower, with her husband Ray and
Fasha the dog. And livin’ in the bell tower like that, they got a lot of
Room downstairs where the pews used to be in.  Havin’ all that room,
Seein’ as how they took out all the pews, they decided that they didn’t
Have to take out their garbage for a long time.

We got up there, we found all the garbage in there, and we decided it’d be
A friendly gesture for us to take the garbage down to the city dump.  So
We took the half a ton of garbage, put it in the back of a red VW
Microbus, took shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed
On toward the city dump.

Well we got there and there was a big sign and a chain across across the
Dump saying, “Closed on Thanksgiving.”  And we had never heard of a dump
Closed on Thanksgiving before, and with tears in our eyes we drove off
Into the sunset looking for another place to put the garbage.

We didn’t find one. Until we came to a side road, and off the side of the
Side road there was another fifteen foot cliff and at the bottom of the
Cliff there was another pile of garbage. And we decided that one big pile
Is better than two little piles, and rather than bring that one up we
Decided to throw our’s down.

That’s what we did, and drove back to the church, had a thanksgiving
Dinner that couldn’t be beat, went to sleep and didn’t get up until the
Next morning, when we got a phone call from officer Obie.  He said, “Kid,
We found your name on an envelope at the bottom of a half a ton of
Garbage, and just wanted to know if you had any information about it.” And
I said, “Yes, sir, Officer Obie, I cannot tell a lie, I put that envelope
Under that garbage.”

After speaking to Obie for about fourty-five minutes on the telephone we
Finally arrived at the truth of the matter and said that we had to go down
And pick up the garbage, and also had to go down and speak to him at the
Police officer‘s station.  So we got in the red VW microbus with the
Shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on toward the
Police officer’s station.
Now friends, there was only one or two things that Obie coulda done at
The police station, and the first was he could have given us a medal for
Being so brave and honest on the telephone, which wasn’t very likely, and
We didn’t expect it, and the other thing was he could have bawled us out
And told us never to be seen driving garbage around the vicinity again,
Which is what we expected, but when we got to the police officer’s station
There was a third possibility that we hadn’t even counted upon, and we was
Both immediately arrested.  Handcuffed.  And I said “Obie, I don’t think I
Can pick up the garbage with these handcuffs on.”  He said, “Shut up, kid.
Get in the back of the patrol car.”

And that’s what we did, sat in the back of the patrol car and drove to the
Quote Scene of the Crime unquote. I want tell you about the town of
Stockbridge, Massachusets, where this happened here, they got three stop
Signs, two police officers, and one police car, but when we got to the
Scene of the Crime there was five police officers and three police cars,
Being the biggest crime of the last fifty years, and everybody wanted to
Get in the newspaper story about it. And they was using up all kinds of
Cop equipment that they had hanging around the police officer’s station.
They was taking plaster tire tracks, foot prints, dog smelling prints, and
They took twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles
And arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each
One was to be used as evidence against us.  Took pictures of the approach,
The getaway, the northwest corner the southwest corner and that’s not to
Mention the aerial photography.

After the ordeal, we went back to the jail.  Obie said he was going to put
Us in the cell.  Said, “Kid, I’m going to put you in the cell, I want your
Wallet and your belt.”  And I said, “Obie, I can understand you wanting my
Wallet so I don’t have any money to spend in the cell, but what do you
Want my belt for?”  And he said, “Kid, we don’t want any hangings.”  I
Said, “Obie, did you think I was going to hang myself for littering?”
Obie said he was making sure, and friends Obie was, cause he took out the
Toilet seat so I couldn’t hit myself over the head and drown, and he took
Out the toilet paper so I couldn’t bend the bars roll out the – roll the
Toilet paper out the window, slide down the roll and have an escape.  Obie
Was making sure, and it was about four or five hours later that Alice
(remember Alice? It’s a song about Alice), Alice came by and with a few
Nasty words to Obie on the side, bailed us out of jail, and we went back
To the church, had a another thanksgiving dinner that couldn’t be beat,
And didn’t get up until the next morning, when we all had to go to court.

We walked in, sat down, Obie came in with the twenty seven eight-by-ten
Colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back
Of each one, sat down.  Man came in said, “All rise.”  We all stood up,
And Obie stood up with the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy
Pictures, and the judge walked in sat down with a seeing eye dog, and he
Sat down, we sat down. Obie looked at the seeing eye dog, and then at the
Twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows
And a paragraph on the back of each one, and looked at the seeing eye dog.
And then at twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles
And arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one and began to cry,
’cause Obie came to the realization that it was a typical case of American
Blind justice, and there wasn’t nothing he could do about it, and the
Judge wasn’t going to look at the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy
Pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each
One explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us.  And
We was fined $50 and had to pick up the garbage in the snow, but that’s not
What I came to tell you about.

WTF?! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Came to talk about the draft.
[ Lyrics from: ]
They got a building down New York City, it’s called Whitehall Street,
Where you walk in, you get injected, inspected, detected, infected,
Neglected and selected.  I went down to get my physical examination one
Day, and I walked in, I sat down, got good and drunk the night before, so
I looked and felt my best when I went in that morning.  `Cause I wanted to
Look like the all-American kid from New York City, man I wanted, I wanted
To feel like the all-, I wanted to be the all American kid from New York,
And I walked in, sat down, I was hung down, brung down, hung up, and all
Kinds o’ mean nasty ugly things. And I waked in and sat down and they gave
Me a piece of paper, said, “Kid, see the phsychiatrist, room 604.”

And I went up there, I said, “Shrink, I want to kill.  I mean, I wanna, I
Wanna kill.  Kill.  I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and
Guts and veins in my teeth.  Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill,
KILL, KILL.”  And I started jumpin up and down yelling, “KILL, KILL,” and
He started jumpin up and down with me and we was both jumping up and down
Yelling, “KILL, KILL.”  And the sargent came over, pinned a medal on me,
Sent me down the hall, said, “You’re our boy.”

Didn’t feel too good about it.

Proceeded on down the hall gettin more injections, inspections,
Detections, neglections and all kinds of stuff that they was doin’ to me
At the thing there, and I was there for two hours, three hours, four
Hours, I was there for a long time going through all kinds of mean nasty
Ugly things and I was just having a tough time there, and they was
Inspecting, injecting every single part of me, and they was leaving no
Part untouched.  Proceeded through, and when I finally came to the see the
Last man, I walked in, walked in sat down after a whole big thing there,
And I walked up and said, “What do you want?”  He said, “Kid, we only got
One question. Have you ever been arrested?”

And I proceeded to tell him the story of the Alice’s Restaurant Massacre,
With full orchestration and five part harmony and stuff like that and all
The phenome… – and he stopped me right there and said, “Kid, did you ever
Go to court?”

And I proceeded to tell him the story of the twenty seven eight-by-ten
Colour glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and the paragraph on
The back of each one, and he stopped me right there and said, “Kid, I want
You to go and sit down on that bench that says Group W …. NOW kid!!”

And I, I walked over to the, to the bench there, and there is, Group W’s
Where they put you if you may not be moral enough to join the army after
Committing your special crime, and there was all kinds of mean nasty ugly
Looking people on the bench there.  Mother rapers.  Father stabbers.  Father
Rapers!  Father rapers sitting right there on the bench next to me!  And
They was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible crime-type guys sitting on the
Bench next to me. And the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one, the meanest
Father raper of them all, was coming over to me and he was mean ‘n’ ugly
‘n’ nasty ‘n’ horrible and all kind of things and he sat down next to me
And said, “Kid, whad’ya get?”  I said, “I didn’t get nothing, I had to pay
$50 and pick up the garbage.”  He said, “What were you arrested for, kid?”
And I said, “Littering.”  And they all moved away from me on the bench
There, and the hairy eyeball and all kinds of mean nasty things, till I
Said, “And creating a nuisance.”  And they all came back, shook my hand,
And we had a great time on the bench, talkin about crime, mother stabbing,
Father raping, all kinds of groovy things that we was talking about on the
Bench.  And everything was fine, we was smoking cigarettes and all kinds of
Things, until the Sargeant came over, had some paper in his hand, held it
Up and said.

“Kids, this-piece-of-paper’s-got-47-words-37-sentences-58-words-we-wanna-
Officer’s-name-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-you-gotta-say”, and talked for
Forty-five minutes and nobody understood a word that he said, but we had
Fun filling out the forms and playing with the pencils on the bench there,
And I filled out the massacre with the four part harmony, and wrote it
Down there, just like it was, and everything was fine and I put down the
Pencil, and I turned over the piece of paper, and there, there on the
Other side, in the middle of the other side, away from everything else on
The other side, in parentheses, capital letters, quotated, read the
Following words:


I went over to the sargent, said, “Sargeant, you got a lot a damn gall to
Ask me if I’ve rehabilitated myself, I mean, I mean, I mean that just, I’m
Sittin’ here on the bench, I mean I’m sittin here on the Group W bench
’cause you want to know if I’m moral enough join the army, burn women,
Kids, houses and villages after bein’ a litterbug.”  He looked at me and
Said, “Kid, we don’t like your kind, and we’re gonna send you fingerprints
Off to Washington.”

And friends, somewhere in Washington enshrined in some little folder, is a
Study in black and white of my fingerprints.  And the only reason I’m
Singing you this song now is cause you may know somebody in a similar
Situation, or you may be in a similar situation, and if your in a
Situation like that there’s only one thing you can do and that’s walk into
The shrink wherever you are ,just walk in say “Shrink, You can get
Anything you want, at Alice’s restaurant.”.  And walk out.  You know, if
One person, just one person does it they may think he’s really sick and
They won’t take him.  And if two people, two people do it, in harmony,
They may think they’re both faggots and they won’t take either of them.
And three people do it, three, can you imagine, three people walking in
Singin a bar of Alice’s Restaurant and walking out. They may think it’s an
Organization.  And can you, can you imagine fifty people a day,I said
Fifty people a day walking in singin a bar of Alice’s Restaurant and
Walking out.  And friends they may thinks it’s a movement.

And that’s what it is , the Alice’s Restaurant Anti-Massacre Movement, and
All you got to do to join is sing it the next time it come’s around on the

With feeling.  So we’ll wait for it to come around on the guitar, here and
Sing it when it does.  Here it comes.

You can get anything you want, at Alice’s Restaurant
You can get anything you want, at Alice’s Restaurant
Walk right in it’s around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Alice’s Restaurant

That was horrible.  If you want to end war and stuff you got to sing loud.
I’ve been singing this song now for twenty five minutes. I could sing it
For another twenty five minutes.  I’m not proud… or tired.

So we’ll wait till it comes around again, and this time with four part
Harmony and feeling.

We’re just waitin’ for it to come around is what we’re doing.

All right now.

You can get anything you want, at Alice’s Restaurant
Excepting Alice
You can get anything you want, at Alice’s Restaurant
Walk right in it’s around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Alice’s Restaurant


-Arlo Guthrie