DAY IN THE LIFE OF JOE and JANE REPUBLICAN AMERICANS.
Joe gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with water to prepare his morning coffee. The water is clean and good because some tree-hugging liberal fought for minimum water-quality standards. With his first swallow of coffee, he takes his daily medication. His medications are safe to take because some stupid commie liberal fought to ensure their safety and that they work as advertised.
All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer’s medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance – now Joe gets it too. Jane prepares her morning breakfast, bacon and eggs. Jane’s bacon is safe to eat because some girly man liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat-packing industry.
In the morning shower, Jane reaches for her shampoo. Her bottle is properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total contents because some crybaby liberal fought for her right to know what she was putting on her body and how much it contained. Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some environmentalist wacko liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air. He walks to the subway station for his government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.
Jane begins her work day. She has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some lazy liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Jane’s employer pays these standards because Jane’s employer doesn’t want her employees to call the union.
If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed, he’ll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some stupid liberal didn’t think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.
It’s noontime and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe’s deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some godless liberal wanted to protect Joe’s money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the Great Depression.
Jane has to pay her Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and her below-market federal student loan because some elitist liberal decided that Jane and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over her lifetime.
Joe is home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car is among the safest in the world because some America-hating liberal fought for car safety standards. He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers’ Home Administration because bankers didn’t want to make rural loans. The house didn’t have electricity until some big-government liberal stuck his nose where it didn’t belong and demanded rural electrification.
He is happy to see his father, who is now retired. His father lives on Social Security and a union pension because some wine-drinking, cheese-eating liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn’t have to.
Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show. The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. He doesn’t mention that the beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day.
Joe agrees: “We don’t need those big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all, I’m a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have!”
Today, in our Nation’s capital a New Hampshire woman who prefers to remain nameless has contracted the disease Poison Oak while a hugging tree. Several by-standers stated that whilst in route to the largest manmade dildo monument south of New Jersey; the unidentified woman was witnessed making nice, nice with a large, our tax dollars paid of it, Oak tree.
Security Guards from the Port O John Museum…’set to be unveiled next August’ were seen removing the old hippie with sanitary seat covers and old tree limbs.
An unidentified Metro employee, who shall remain nameless, stated having heard the following statement:
The wacked out bitch was here for the National Nationalization of the Legalization of Marijuana March on the side steps of the stairs that lead up to the Museum of the Department of Agriculture building…She’d hit the pipe one too many times and now she’ll have to pay for it!
Also, in the not news today,
the Non Accredited Never Heard of ‘Em before, Institute of Mundane activities has suggested the following enterprises to reduce stress:
1. Participate in a weekend Scrapbook Convention
2. Attend an A.A. conference
3. Become a member of the local Stamp Collector’s Guild
Lastly, of note…some music!
The commission of Honorary Pedophiles (the ones that seem like they could be, act like they could be and stand on street corners like they could be) has wired a list of contenders for their groups anthem!
Neil Diamond and his rendition of ‘Girl You’ll Be a Woman Soon’
Gary Puckett and the Union Gap with their lovely tune ‘Young Girl’
Bruce Springsteen’s ‘I’m on Fire.’
###the Tree Hugger Almanac…when ya’ own the information…you can bend it all you want!
Undisclosed and un-named and to remain nameless sources have just announced that the above mentioned Oak tree has been placed in quarantine…No family members have come forward to claim the tree.