Magic for Adults

At 50 plus…I have given up on Santa, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny!  It is the unfortunate demise of my wishful thinking.  Further leading to my believing in magic demise?  I am an American living in the land of uncertainty.  A land corralled by a orange man with a toddler’s English.

When I first read this story…of course, I did not believe!  Yet, somewhere in my childish ways, I wanted desperately to believe!  I had been brought back to the time my family had a ‘pet’ raccoon.  He would come by daily and eat marshmallows out our hands.

One day the magic ended one day and ‘Rocky’ never returned.  Perhaps, he got tired of the junk food.  Perhaps…he tired of our strange, human behavior.  Yet, as a pre-teen…I wanted to believe, Rocky was with another family.  Bringing them joy and magic!  I suppose…even as a middle aged woman…I still want to believe in magic.

Last week, a three-year-old North Carolina boy went missing in the woods. Toddlers are notoriously bad at taking care of themselves even in the best of circumstances, but freezing temperatures lowered his odds of survival from slim to practically none.

But then, two days later, he was found! Crying, yes, but unharmed. Rescuers pulled young Casey Hathaway out of some bushes he’d become stuck in, and later, when he was safe, asked him what had happened. According to The Guardian,

Casey told police he survived due to the presence of a black bear, which kept him company. The boy repeated the story to his aunt, Breanna Hathaway.

“He said he hung out with a bear for two days,” Hathaway wrote in a Facebook post. “God sent him a friend to keep him safe. God is a good God. Miracles do happen.”

Personally, I believe Hathaway when he says a bear kept him safe from the elements until help arrived. “Real” bear experts are not convinced, or at least, that’s what they say. Chris Servheen, a bear researcher at the University of Montana, insists that Hathaway made the whole thing up:

“Wild bears aren’t friends with people. I don’t want to say he’s not telling the truth, he obviously thinks he’s seen things and maybe he’s got a teddy bear at home. But I’ve seen no evidence anything like that has ever happened.”

“I don’t want to cast aspersions on the child but I think the little boy had a fantasy. The bear wouldn’t feel sorry for him, thinking he’s alone. That’s ascribing human characteristics on wild animals, which is anthropomorphism.”

I realize Servheen is only trying to dissuade people from going out and trying to befriend wild animals, and to that end: OF COURSE THIS IS FAKE. HA HA. STUPID KID.

But history and YouTube contain innumerable examples of interspecies relationships, and I know, in the quiet of heart, that a bear rescued that child. I am not saying anyone should toss their kid outside, assuming a friendly bear will show up and babysit it for free, because that won’t happen! You can’t engineer this stuff.

But tomorrow, when you wake up to the latest news about Trump felling a virgin Amazon rainforest so he can build his border wall entirely with the teeth of endangered Pygmy sloths, and you think that there must be no good left in this whole accursed world, remember: A bear saved a child from dying in the woods. And you will feel at least .005 percent better.

kinja.com/laurennicholeevans

 

Trump? Just Another Junk Food Junkie!

It is difficult, as most understand, making ends meet.  First, Mr. Trump felt a deep sense of ‘relating’ to those without pay during his ‘government’ shutdown.  How much more personable can the self described, best president ever, be?

Welp, after cutting back on the tan in the can, the orange hair gel and the comb-over…#45 celebrated the Clemson Tigers winning ways…with Big Macs!

Trump’s good will seems to be never ending!  What next?  Rumor has it…#45 will be purchasing Bissell Vacuum cleaners for California residents (who qualify)!  All in hopes of keeping the forests…a clean machine!

#45  is personally paying for the meals that will be provided to the Clemson University football team during their national championship celebration at the White House on Monday night, CNN has learned.

Earlier Monday, Trump told reporters, unprompted, that he is serving “McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Burger King’s with some pizza.”
“I think that would be their favorite food, so we’ll see what happens,” he added.

Bitches Get Stuff Done

I just want to get this straight…Condoms will put the ‘intimacy’ flame out because those little sperm swimmers have something magical in them.  Most republicans insist to have control over the female body.  And, more and more, insurance does not wish to cover birth control.

I knew it!  The only way out?  Lesbianism!

 

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Trump Administration Official Believes Condom Use ‘Robs a Woman’ of ‘Remarkable Chemicals’ Found in Semen

Did you know that Robert Patterson, who currently serves as the acting associate commissioner at the Social Security Administration’s Office of Strategic and Digital Communications, has a lot of gross and hateful views? It is so surprising to find such a man with a position in the Trump administration.

As pointed out by Media Matters for America, before he landed a job with the Trump administration, and after he worked for the first Bush administration, Patterson served as an editor for a conservative site called The Family in America, which espouses values of, well, you can probably guess.

There, he co-authored a blog post arguing that using a condoms and birth control “works against the health and well-being of women,” and that a condom, specifically, “robs a woman” of the “remarkable chemicals” that are found in semen. In another lovely co-authored blog post, he wrote that working women were the cause of the childhood obesity epidemic. “Perhaps it is time for American health officials trying to combat our national epidemic of childhood obesity to look for ways to get mothers back in the home,” he and writer Bryce Christensen suggested in a post titled, “Mom’s Employed; Junior’s a Couch Potato.” Patterson also advocated for welfare programs that “recognize a conventional division of labor among married participants.” It probably doesn’t surprise you to know that Patterson is also virulently homophobic. He has defended his posts by saying they are backed up by scientific research, which is honestly something I’m surprised he believes in.

The Philadelphia Inquirer reported that Patterson’s editing gig at the website led to his resignation from Pennsylvania’s Department of Public Welfare in 2012. However, his views fit right in with the Trump administration, where he is regarded as “a policy expert, professor and op-ed contributor,” per the Social Security Administration’s website. With that, I wish you a happy Friday, free to consider the many “remarkable chemicals” found in semen.

Prachi Gupta/The Slot

 

There is ‘No Collusion’ with the Wall

Recently, atop of the ‘need’ for a wall…to keep the ‘deviants’ out.  Or, maybe to keep our American deviants…in: There had been talk of not only building a wall but perhaps, pulling together a roof…as well.

A roof would keep Extra Terrestrials without a green-card…from getting in and enjoying our wonderful land of guns, fentanyl and global warming.  However, perhaps this next report is a better and less expensive idea.

Borowitz-PenceBorderBinoculars

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unexpected breakthrough that could end the government shutdown, President Donald Trump has backed down from his demand for a wall and offered instead to post Vice-President Mike Pence at the border with big binoculars.

According to the White House, Pence’s mission at the border will alternate between keeping an eye out for potential intruders and glaring menacingly into the distance.

At a press conference announcing the development, Pence appeared to embrace his new role as the nation’s first line of defense against illegal immigration.

“If anyone wants to sneak into the United States, why, lordy, they’ll have to get past Mike Pence first,” he said.

The White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, denied that stationing Pence at the border represented a concession on Trump’s part and claimed that the Vice-President was “just as good as a wall.”

“If anyone can take the place of an inanimate object, it’s Mike Pence,” she said.

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report